Drunk girl #1, shouting into bathroom: What you still doing in here?
Drunk girl #2: I'm shittin!
Drunk girl #1: Ew! What you doin that for? I wait til I get home and shit in my own bathroom.
Drunk girl #2: Girl, fuck that! If I gotta shit, I'ma shit!
–Grand Central
Overheard by: missed my train
Boy: If my hand was botoxed, could I hold hot things without getting hurt?
–K-Mart, Astor Place
Drunk douchebag: If I was a gay guy, I totally wouldn't cheat on my girlfriend, unless it was with a hot chick.
–Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Ladle
Guy to another, as smoking hot woman walks by: She's so hot I'd eat the corn out of her poop!
–42nd & Broadway
Guy to dinner date: I hate it when people tag me on Facebook. It's like, I'm in sweat pants! I'm a mess! I just ran three miles, leave me alone… You're gonna tag that?! Like "tap that." You're gonna "tag that"? (pause) What do you think about the waitress, pretty hot huh?
–Diner, Washington Heights
Overheard by: April Marks
Girl #1, after flinging poo-filled plastic bag at girl #2: You're lucky that missed you.
(girl #2 picks up the warm, poo-filled bag and takes aim at girl #1)
Girl #1: Whatever, go ahead. I don't care if it hits me because it's my dog's shit.
–Astoria
Overheard by: TheOneTruePax
Deli worker: Dude, did you just see those girls walk by outside?
Friend: Damn, dude, those girls are walking around like their shit don't stink! And it definitely doesn't.
Deli worker: Yeah, tell me about it!
Friend: Seriously, bro, I'd let both of them fart in my mouth!
–Deli, Greenpoint
Hobo #1: Hey, did you change your pants?!
Hobo #2: Hmm…?
Hobo #1: Yeah, you did change your pants. Before they were black, and now they're blue.
Hobo #2: Yeah, I changed my pants. Well, you shitted yourself!
Hobo #1: Yeah, I shitted myself. Oh well…
–Ave A & 6th St
Overheard by: Georgia
Bag lady to man eating veggie burger: Yo! You eat that shit, it gonna go through yo body an' come out yo asshole!
Man eating: Thank you, miss. I'll be careful.
Bag lady: Got a quarter?
–89th St & Amsterdam
Guido to another: She actually shaves between sex and shit.
–Bay Ridge, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Belladonna Wexhome
Middle-aged Guido: Nobody gives tricks any more, only treats. I remember when I was a kid. I used to get shaving cream in my face.
–78th St & West End
Overheard by: jess_stang
Guy coming out of Beeswax screening: I will not bow to the hegemony of the razor.
–BAM Cinemafest
Girl to friend and boyfriend: I definitely prefer a female gynecologist to a male one. Mine is a really old woman, and she's great! She just says to me, "I am shaving you." My lips are really big!
–E 7th St
Overheard by: Evan
Guy: So I'm like, "can I get a lighter?" and she pulls out two, and one is literally a penis with the flame coming out the tip, and the other one is a guy doing one of these moves, and the guy's like a tripod. So I'm like, "can I get one in a normal color?"
–Chinatown
African American man describing Indian restaurant to friend: That'll put fire in yo' ass.
–Midtown
Man to stranger: Hey, can I borrow you lighter? I need to go melt something in the bathroom.
–Jamaica Station
Overheard by: Tim
Conductor: Once again, there is nothing on fire! We got it under control. We apologize for the smoke. Next stop is Newark airport. There is nothing on fire.
–NJ Transit
Overheard by: Where there's smoke
Guy #1: Dude, Rick was totally shitting blood at my house last night…
Guy #2: It must be from all those guys he sucks off…
Guy #3: Totally!
–Midtown
Yuppie chick: You want the rest of my soda?
Yuppie guy: Sure! You didn't put anything in it, did you?
Yuppie chick: I pooed in it.
Yuppie guy: Oh, in that case… (takes a sip)
Yuppie chick: You didn't know I excreted caramel syrup, did you?
Yuppie guy: I'm so happy I have you in my life!
–54th St & Lexington
