Your Editors Have Seen All These Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: Oh my god, I was watching some porn the other day and saw the creepiest thing! (pause) No, it's not a penis. I've seen penises before. (pause) No, it wasn't an ugly penis. That would be like…what, a herpes penis? (pause) So anyway, I was watching this porno, right? This guy lubed up his head and stuck it into a vagina. Like, up to his friggin'…past his nose! (pause, then laughing) I get off on lubed-up heads? (pause) Yeah, he was bald.

–11th St & 5th Ave

Preppy guy: If it's made out of brass, it's not pornographic.

–Brooklyn Botanical Gardens

Overheard by: Hunter (aka

Guy on cell: Yeah, so I got this one called Stick it in Deep.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: j

Indignant law student: Look, the fact is, the videos of animal torture were not being used for sexual gratification!

–Fordham Law School

Beatnik professor: The internet is only good for two things. Online banking is not one of them. If you online bank, then you're fucked for life. They'll steal your identity. The internet is good for porn, and for getting underwear on sale. Now, I know many people may find buying a brassiere online to be strange, but women do it anyway. Now, the internet is great for porn, but you can't do kiddie porn. If you do kiddie porn then they'll get you. We all know who they are.

–Queens College

Posted on June 10, 2009
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Clothing, Crime and Punishment, Film, Fordham, Girls, Guys, Hair, Internet, Laughter, Lube, On Cell, One-liners, Paranoia, Parks, Penis, Porn, Preppies, Queens, Queens College, Robbing the Cradle, Sex, Shopping, STDs, Students, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Union Square and East Village, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

But That's What We Said in the Womb, and That Turned Out Okay

Drunk girl in bathroom: It's so warm it here! I don't want to leave!
Friend: I know!

–Beer Garden, Queens

Overheard by: next stall over

Posted on June 9, 2009
Bars & Clubs, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Friends, Queens, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

You Haven't Lived, Monica!

Freaked-out college chick, pointing at large bump on friend's stomach : Ah! What is that?
Flustered 20-something, in coarse Boston accent: What the hell's the matter with you? You've never had a chocolate-covered raisin in your belly button before?

–St. John's University Queens Campus

Overheard by: What about a milk dud?

Posted on June 5, 2009
Body Parts, College, Food, Friends, Insults, Physical appearance, Queens, Questions, Sorority Girls

Also, Your “Work Uniform” Is a G-String and Pasties

Girl #1: So he's like, “I saw your Facebook photos of you outside of your work uniform. You really like to party.” And I'm like, “Well, I'm 25 and single, what else do you think I like to do?”
Girl #2: Yeah, I mean really. But you know, it's assumed that if you're under 27, all you do is party and sleep around.

–Kew Gardens

Overheard by: CollegiateCutie

Posted on June 1, 2009
Age/Aging, Celebrations/Parties, Clothing, Facebook, Girls, Parks, Pictures, Queens, Questions, Sex

You've Got Some Set Of Wednesday One-Liners on You, Buddy!

Woman on cell: I'd love to watch football with you. I'll even hold the balls.

–92nd & Lexington

Boyfriend to guy sitting between him and his girlfriend: Hey man, can you slide over? I need some ball space over here.

–Uptown 4 Train

20-something chick: I aim for as many balls as possible.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Meister

Woman to male Target employee: Do you have balls? (brief awkward pause) Like playing ones…

–Target, Queens

Mother to kids: Okay, raise your hand if you don't have balls! (group of boys eagerly raise their hands)

–LIRR

Overheard by: Chadwick

Posted on April 29, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Balls, Boyfriends, Clerks, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Football, Girls, Guys, Kids, Moms, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Promiscuity, Queens, Questions, Store, Trains Not Subway, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

I Can Fix That; You'll Always Be Mean

Girl: You know, I used to think that Princess Diana was related to John F. Kennedy.
Guy: You're dumb.

–Barnes & Noble, Forest Hills, Queens

Overheard by: Rebecca

Posted on April 25, 2009
About Celebrities, Girls, Guys, Queens, Store, Stupidity

It Was Just Time for That Calf to Be Born

Tall guy,holding his elbow: My arm was this far inside her.
Fat guy: Wow, that's a new record.

–Mott Ave, Far Rockaway

Posted on April 23, 2009
Body Parts, Fat People, Guys, Queens, Sex, Weirdness

I Hear Africa's Beautiful.

Guy from Illinois: Where are you from?
Girl: Rome.
Guy from Illinois: Oh, I've always wanted to visit St. Petersburg!

–Queensboro Plaza

Posted on April 16, 2009
Foreigners, Global Geography, Idiots, Italians, Queens, Questions, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Wishes & desires

And We Get at Least Three People a Day Claiming to Be Christ

Passenger, getting on bus and not swiping Metrocard: I don't gotta swipe. It's all set.
Driver: Oh, yes you do. Christ himself come on, he gotta swipe.

–Q32 Bus, Queens

Overheard by: Your friendly neighborhood Newsbunny

Posted on April 12, 2009
Bus Drivers, Jesus, On the Bus, Passengers, Public Transportation, Queens

Close!

Street corner punk #1: Where did she say she lives?
Street corner punk #2: Yonkers.
Street corner punk #1: Yonkers? There's no place called “Yonkers”! She was playin' you, man.
Street corner punk #2: Whatchoo talkin' about, man? Yonkers is a city!
Street corner punk #2: Yeah right. There's also a city called “my balls.”

–Sutphin Blvd & 89th Ave, Jamaica

Overheard by: Big Larry

Posted on March 27, 2009
Balls, Names, NYC Geography, Punks, Queens, Questions, Stupidity