Questions

Not in the Face, Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: You keep talking over me–it makes me want to punch you in the uterus.

–Ray's Pizza, 52 & 8th

Overheard by: Jarett

Guy to friend: You keep referring to me as "that guy" and we'll see how long you stay conscious.

–33rd & 7th

Nervous man seated against the wall: I don't like this seat. I don't like sitting here. I like to sit on the aisle. What if there's a fight? I don't want to be trapped in a place with a fight.

–Off-Broadway Theatre

Overheard by: Hannah

Ghetto chick: Can't you get somebody else to fuck him up? Why you gotta do it?

–W Train

Overheard by: sara n.

Man: He was trying to turn his alcoholism into a positive thing instead of attacking the guy who raped his sister.

–The Strand Bookstore

Overheard by: Slightly confused, yet intrigued…

Girl on cell: Remember that time you got into a fight with an inch worm?

–Chambers St

Overheard by: Shooty

Wednesday One-Liners Should Not Be Taken If You Are Pregnant or Nursing

Kid to friend: Is your dad in town? I need Ambien CR.

–Saatchi & Saatchi, Hudson St

Overheard by: dlr

Guy on cell: No, they never came. [Pause.] I just never got them! [Pause.] I told you you can’t just send random pills through the mail!

–Strawberry Fields, Central Park

Strung out middle-aged lesbian: How long does that detox stuff take to work? I need to be clean of the Xanax by my doctor’s appointment next week. He knows I’m on meth, but he can’t find out I’m on Xanax.

–E Train

Worried suit: …But I can’t be on Zoloft, so I don’t know what to do.

–E 14th St

Patient to friend: He asked for an Ensure. He got an Ambien instead.

–NYS Psychiatric Institute

Overheard by: nonrandomerror

Suit: Her meds worked better this audition season -you could tell.

–Oriental Garden

Presenting, the Modern-Day Socrates

Six-year-old kid to lost-looking mother: So, where's downtown?
Mom: Well, it's not uptown!

–42nd Street Subway Station

Overheard by: Excellent deduction, Watson.

…And You Say I Always Forget Our Anniversary!

Annoyed wife: Why is there toast in my purse?
Clueless husband: It's not toast, it's a cracker.

–FAO Schwartz

Wednesday One-Liners Happen

Dude on cell: If he wrote a fucking haiku I would shit myself!

–50th b/w 8th & 9th

Hip dude: I was like: "Your voice is drowning me in a wave of bullshit."

–W 4th

Customer to associate: Where can I pay for this shit?

–Apple Store, 5th Ave

Suit on cell: No, I have IBS. IBS! Ya know, Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I’ll shit when I gotta shit, and that’s the way this is gonna go!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual

am New York paper guy: Get your free am New York! They’re free because their employees get paid shit!

–53rd & 7th Ave

What About Ciara Mist?

Whole Foods employee #1: Yo man, do you know if we have any Kanye pepper?
Whole Foods employee #2: Nah, I think we’re out.

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: Darling Pinky

Why the Hell Am I Always in Line with You?

Man #1: You know that saying about how if you teach a man to fish, he can fish?
Man #2: Yeah.

–Grand Central Station

Mixing Vodka and Lotion

Woman: You have everything?
Man, looking at suitcase and opening box: I think that's it.
Woman: What's in this box?
Man: It's my life. You know: vodka and lotion.
Woman: And toothpaste! Where'd you get that funny toothpaste?

–Elevator, Upper West Side

Overheard by: Along for the ride

Have You Forgetten Isadora Duncan?

Swarthy clerk to pretty girl: Why do you wear that scarf like that?
Pretty girl: Because it's pretty.
Swarthy clerk, smiling: Won't be so pretty when someone strangles you with it.

–167th St

The Earth Got So Fat That Nobody Loves It

Boy: When I was little I used to think that if the planet got heavy enough, it would start to fall.
Friend: You must have been pretty smart to even think that when you were a little kid.
Boy: But what if I still think that?
Friends: Then you're a dumb ass.

–C Train

Overheard by: Rafael DaSilva

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