Student to another: Marcus, did I blow that tree?
Marcus: What?
–Pratt Institute
Student to another: Marcus, did I blow that tree?
Marcus: What?
–Pratt Institute
Roommate #1, from kitchen: Hey, have you seen my pot?
Roommate #2: Wait… The one you cook with?
Roommate #1: Yeah.
Roommate #2: Oh! Uh, no.
–Pratt Institute
Headline by: usual suspect
Runners-Up:
· “Awkward Moments Like This Are Why Chamber Pots Went Out Of Fashion” – allison
· “Guess I’m Using the Water Bong to Make Noodles Then…” – Zuel Beast
· “LIES! You Know You Meant BOTH!” – Whee!
· “The Meth Lab Was Never As Well Organized As the Living Room” – batou187
· “Wait, Did It Have Doritos in It?” – Jay Walke
· “Wait, the One You Put the Brownies In, or the One You Put in the Brownies?” – j3rry
Woman: One time this guy punched me…but it was alright, cause I was on coke.
–2 Train
Overheard by: Laura Grossman
Female hipster on cell: I'm coked up and all alone, Harvey, how do you expect me to feel?
–Humboldt & Ainslie, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Joseph Hernandez
Girl on cell: I haven't done coke in like a week. It's been a rough week.
–Upper East Side
Hot 20-something tourist girl to friend: Pfft, the Meatpacking District. That's false advertising…I got no meat packed in me last night. All I did was steal that bag of cocaine from those guys.
–Broadway & Wooster
Overheard by: ClassyGal
Female 20-something on phone: Yeah, he realized it was too late when he couldn't tell the difference between the piles of sugar, the piles of flour, and the piles of cocaine.
–Central Park
Thug to friend: That bitch looked up at me and said, "Damn, your dick tastes like coffee."
–86th St & Lexington
Overheard by: TINA
Female suit to other: Duane Reade is like the Starbucks of drugstores!
–Duane Reade
Old lady with shopping cart, exiting voting booth: Where's my Starbucks coupon?
–PS163, Bath Beach, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Torgo61
Guy on cell: Hey, bro! I'm having coffee and a bagel. (pause) No, an animal did not have to die for me to have this coffee!
–Arthur Avenue
Overheard by: eternal student
Man with heavy Indian accent holding a cup of Starbucks coffee: No, the most expensive coffee in the world is coffee beans eaten and then pooped out by a cat. It's $120 a cup.
–Elevator, 7th Ave & 31st St
Girl: How was your date last night?
Guy: He had a sick body but an ugly face. I slept with him anyway.
–84th St & 2nd Ave
Middle aged theater-goer to teenage boy dressed as renaissance page: Are you a part of the performance?
Page boy: Nay, nay. Far from it.
Middle aged theater-goer: What?
Page boy: Nay, nay. Far from it.
Middle aged theater-goer: Then why are you dressed like that?
Page boy: I'm just an eccentric patron.
Middle aged theater-goer: Oh.
Page boy: Someone has to play the part of eccentric patron.
Middle aged theater-goer: Well, good for you. High-five me, if that's not too far out of your century.
–Schubret Theater
Little boy: Dad, who’s Mahatma Gandhi?
Dad: You don’t know who Gandhi is?
Little boy: No. Was he a sports star?
Dad: Something like that…
–Union Square
Guy on Cell: Have you ever tried to masturbate while Michael Jackson’s “Rock With You” is playing in the background? Well, it’s more difficult than you think…
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Michael Roche
Hipster guy #1: Dude, it's so cold…did you just pee your pants?
Hipster guy #2: I did. I peed my pants, everybody! I peed them!
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: youknowme
Guy with clipboard: Hey there! Do you have a minute for gay rights?
Gay dude: Every minute of my life is for gay rights.
Guy with clipboard: Are you aware that there are people in Washington trying to take your rights away?
Gay dude: No shit! That's not news! Leave me alone!
–16th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: mille shayntwright
