Race

Remember When Wednesday One-Liner Were Black?

South African man to friend: Listen to what I just found out the other day… my friend's family owned Michael Jackson's family!

–NYU

Guy to friend (about a Halloween party): Dude, it's a totally corporate made-up holiday, but yeah, I'll dress up as Michael Jackson.

–Duane Reade, Union Square

Overheard by: Traczie

Professor: It's not as simple as black and white anymore. I mean, what color is Tiger Woods? What color is Barack Obama? What color is Michael Jackson?

–History of American Women Class, Pace University

Crazy hobo: This is the 2 Express Train! (a few minutes later) Goddammit, I been waiting two hours for the train! Now I gonna be too late for my lunch with Michael Jackson!

–66th Street Subway Platform

Overheard by: Seth

Little kid to another: You sicken everyone! Even Michael Jackson!

–161st St & 3rd Ave, The Bronx

Overheard by: li'l squeaker

But I'd Settle for an Hispanic Man with a Job

Thug #1: You know what I need?
Thug #2: What?
Thug #1: A white woman, with good credit.

–Columbia University

Overheard by:

Oh Yeah? Then How'd I Get That Job in Biotech?

Thug #1: Yo, I can't wait for Obama to win the election, yo! He gonna make white people illegal!
Thug #2 (stopping dead in his tracks): You one ignorant muthafucka, ain't you?

–The Village

The Seldom-Sung Prelude to “I Feel Pretty”

Black guy to Jewish guy: Hey man, you look pretty Jewish.
Jewish guy: Yeah, I know. You look pretty black.

–St. Mark's Place

Is It Fair That White People Monopolize All the Irony? Discuss

Guy #1: Can't believe there are so many cops out.
Guy #2: It's probably because of the 4th of July, you know, security threats, terrorism.
Drunk girl (shouts, pumps fist in the air): Oh yeah, terrorism!
Guy #2: Can you not do that 10 feet from those cops?!
Drunk girl: What, who cares? I'm white. It's ironic!

–W. 43rd & Broadway

Wait!….Can I Have Your Broken Shoe?

Crazy bag lady in Burger King crown: Oh look, you broke your shoe, and you're pregnant.
Hugely pregnant woman: Yes.
Crazy bag lady in Burger King crown: Well bitch, just go to the ATM, get $20, and get a new pair of shoes. White folks got all the money.
Hugely pregnant woman: (silence)
Crazy bag lady in Burger King crown: You know what? God broke your shoe. He broke it cause you hate black people.
Hugely pregnant woman: Umm, this is my stop.

–2 Train

Overheard by: courtney

Tim Gunn?

Girl: Honey, who’s that white guy in our class?
Boy: Which guy?
Girl: The white guy with the accent? It’s like a gangster accent?
Boy: Gangster accent?
Girl: You know: “Yo yo, what’s up?” (throws up gang signs)
Boy: I didn’t know gangsters had accents.

–Parsons New School for Design

Headline by: LJ

Runners-Up:
· “A Whole New Way to Fulfill a Language Requirement” – Bill
· “And Since When Did “The Shocker” Become a Gang Sign?” – cbeck
· “Clearly You Haven’t Spent Enough Time Watching Bad Dance Movies” – mk
· “Keanu Reeves Deeply Researches Yet Another Role” – Bevan
· “Parsons New School Of Liberal Denial Is on 43rd.” – EddieA
· “That’s Not an Accent. He’s Deaf. Those Aren’t Gang Signs. It’s Sign Language.” – DB
· “The REAL Michelle and Barack” – Qasar

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

The Tao Of Wednesday One-Liners

Subway rider to Japanese tourist: You guys need to stick up for yourselves, man. You know what I’d say if I was from Japan? I’d say: "I am yokozuna, muthafucka!"

–E Train, 42nd St

Male customer to clerk, after computer system goes down: I guess you have some little Chinese guy in the back working on the problem.

–Brooklyn DMV

40something woman walking dogs to friend: You know, these dogs are half Chinese. With all these things going on in China, they get very upset! (friend gives skeptical look) I’m serious!

–Upper West Side

Crazy lady, to no one in particular: All Carpenter songs are actually Korean national anthems. If a Korean is bludgeoning you, just sing a national anthem and they will stop. If a Korean is bludgeoning you, just sing a national anthem and they will stop. It’s the Koreans who do most of the bludgeoning, and that’s what upsets me.

–99 Cent Pizza, 41st & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Michael O’Connor

Worker, sounding pleasantly surprised: Oh, Asians! Damn! Asians!

–Canal Street and Centre Street, Chinatown

Just Like I Only Make Fun of Blacks For the Color of Their Skin

Salesman: Ah, so soly. Mr. Wong not in today.
Saleswomen: My boyfriend’s Asian. Don’t make fun of them.
Salesman: I’m not making fun of them. I’m making fun of the way they talk.

–Sales Department, SoHo

She Has a Nice Asian Personality

Female bartender: I forgot to tell you, I hired a new bartender. She will be here tonight.
Male bartender: Oh. Is she cute?
Female bartender: Well… She’s Asian.
Male bartender: Oh. Asian Asian or cute Asian?
Female bartender: Ehhh… you know.

–Broadway Theater

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