Wednesday One-Liners Long to Be THOUGHT of As Ferocious

Guy walking to rehearsal: I mean, he's really cute in that way that makes you want to hit him with a desk.

–Steinhardt Building, NYU

Middle school girl (about poster for condoms): Ewwww, at least they could've put cute gay guys!

–Q train

Overheard by: Robert

Vapid high school chick: Oh my god, I just found out that he's actually dating a freshman. And not even one of the cute ones either…she's like, brown.

–Central Park

Obviously gay boy screaming into cell: Jeremy, why the fuck didn't you tell me the massage therapist you sent me to does erotic massage? All I wanted was a place to relax! (pause) Yeah, halfway through he started jacking me off! (pause) Seriously? He never did that to you? (pause) Don't be offended. You're cute. He just could probably tell I have a big dick and couldn't keep his hands off it.

–Broadway & 20th St

Dude to friends: Did I tell you guys about the girl that I hooked up with the other night? She totally looked like a beaver… (awkward silence) …but I mean a really cute beaver.

–Ace Bar, 5th St b/w Ave A & Ave B

Overheard by: Santa's Boy Toy

Girl on cell: Tim's cute, I just wish he didn't love Jesus so much.

–N Train

Posted on September 17, 2008
Beauty, Boys, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Default, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Hook Ups, Jesus, Masturbation, On Cell, Penis, Queer guys, Race, Teens, Tweens, Violence, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Which I Wear in a Full Windsor Knot

Black dude: Hey, I like your tie!
White kid: Thanks.
Black dude: Cause it's black, like my cock!

–21st St

Posted on September 16, 2008
Black People, Clothing, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Default, Guys, Kids, Manhattan, Race, White People

But Enough About My Chest

Asian girl: Oh my god, we had a physics quiz and I totally failed.
White girl: Wait, you mean like an Asian fail, right?
Asian girl: Yeah, I think I still have an A, but barely!

–NJ Transit

Posted on September 14, 2008
Asians, Default, Education, Girls, Gripes, On the Subway, Questions, Race, White People

Wednesday One-Liners, Eh?

Conductor: This is the train from Grand Central to North White Plains. Next stop is Botanic Gardens. We do not go to Canada. Next stop is Botanic Gardens.

–Metro-North Train

Guy with heavy Brooklyn accent: I don't want to go to a place like Canada if I don't know where it is!

–Avenue of the Americas

Overheard by: Mike

20-something preppy boy (yelling into his phone): It's not racist to hate Canadians! Canadians are not a race!

–8th St & 6th Ave

Man on cell: What? He jumped off a bridge? You have to be Canadian to jump off a bridge!

–Times Square

Tourist: Man, I'm way too Canadian for this escalator.

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: escal-eh?-tor

Posted on September 10, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Boys, Canadians, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Global Geography, Grand Central, Guys, Men, On Cell, Preppies, Public Transportation, Race, Stupidity, The Village, Times Square, Tourism, Tourists, Travel, Wishes & desires

If We Never See Another Negro Pizza Fund Wednesday One-Liner Again, It'll Be Too Soon

Hobo: Can you spare a donation to the united negro pizza fund?

–120th St & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Mikey T

Hobo: Would you like to make a donation to the united negro pastrami fund?

–21st & Park Ave

Overheard by: Lawrence C

Hobo: Hello ladies, would you like to donate to the united negro pastrami sandwich fund?

–Broadway, SoHo

Bum on street: Please give to the united negro pizza fund.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Squid

Hobo: Contribute to the united negro pastrami sandwich fund!

–Prince & Wooster

Black hobo to tourists: Would you like to donate to the united negro pastrami fund?

–Bleecker & Leroy

Overheard by: Lynn

Hobo: Please give to to the united negro pizza fund. A pepperoni is a terrible thing to waste. (30 minutes later) What's the best nation? A do-nation!

–Outside Buddha Bar

Posted on September 10, 2008
Activists, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Black People, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Guys, Hobos, Homeless, Junk Food & Fast Food, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, Penn Station, Pizza, Questions, Race, Soho, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Phone Home

20-something woman: Why do I have a phone number for "Shrek" in my phone?

–1 Train

Overheard by: Poogins

Older, bald man on phone: Mom! I told you, you don't have to call me everyday. Just call me once a month…to see if I'm alive!

–Times Square

40-something suit on cell: You know what would be fine, mom? If you just stopped calling. That'd be fine! Just fine! Of course I want to hear from you, but just stop calling. It's over. Over. Don't call no more.

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Oedipus

Crazy lady on cell (at the top of her lungs): Yo, douchebag! Where are my fucking children? I want to see my children. You owe my $10,000 in child support. And you know what? They're not even your kids! Ha! Oh, and my phone's dead.

–AirTrain

White girl on phone: Well, on the phone he doesn't even sound black. So just introduce him to your parents over the phone…

–28th & Broadway

Overheard by: Vanessa

Lunching lady: She's 718, acts like she's 212…but really, she's so 516!

–4 Train

Overheard by: JC

Posted on September 10, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Cell Phone, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Death, Girls, Insults, Kids, Men, Money & Class, Movies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Parents, Park Slope, Questions, Race, Relationships, Suits, Times Square, Trains Not Subway, White People, Women

People Who Can't Pronounce the Letter “R”?

Old black woman: What's this now?
Middle aged black woman: Three Mo Tenors. They're like The Three Tenors. Sing Italian, opera, Broadway, gospel…
Old black woman: So, they're Italian?
Middle aged black woman: No. See that sign? It says Three Mo Tenors. That means they're like us.

–W 42nd St b/w 9th & 10th

Overheard by: MrE1111

Posted on September 8, 2008
Black People, Compare/Contrast, Default, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Music, Old People, Questions, Race, Theater & Dance, Women

Although the Shackles Made Him Stoop a Bit

Rich lady #1: There was this very tall man who used to bring us bagels on Sundays… He was very, very tall.
Rich lady #2: So, he was black?
Rich lady #1 (annoyed): Yes, he was very, very tall.

–84th & Park Ave

Overheard by: Allison

Posted on September 6, 2008
Default, Questions, Race, Rich people, Upper East Side, Weirdness, Women

Please Pick Up After Your Wednesday One-Liners

Crazy guy with black Labrador (angrily): Why didn't you say anything? I thought you were my friend.

–3rd & Sullivan

Overheard by: Sizzle

Middle aged Rastafari to Labrador: This isn't a chew toy, motherfucker!

–Central Park West

Overheard by: Sarah

Man to small puppy: You're so round and furry, aren't you Oscar? You're like a Mexican!

–Fordham Road

Old lady with tiny dog: Sparky, I really don't want to be in here.

–PETCO, Union Square

Overheard by: Ave

Woman to dog: Oh, rolling onto your back again, are you? Just like the slutty girl at prom…

–Extra Virgin Restaurant, The Village

Overheard by: wink

(crazy hobo walks up to little girl's dog and picks it up)
Crazy homeless man (shouting in the dog's face): I would name you snowball, but you're brown!

–Tompkins Square Park

Posted on September 3, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Central Park, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Friendship, Guys, Hobos, Insults, Man's Best Friend, Men, Museum of Natural History, Nicknames & name calling, Old People, Questions, Race, Restaurants & Cafes, Store, The Bronx, The Village, Union Square and East Village, We Love Our Pets, Women

You Guys Are Becoming Chinks in My Armor

Construction worker #1: This place is expensive.
Construction worker #2: Ca-ching.
Korean store owner: I'm not fucking Chinese.
Construction worker #2: It's the cash register sound.
Korean store owner: I don't care, I'm not fucking Chinese, get out of my store.

–Canal & West Broadway

Overheard by: also not chinese

Posted on August 28, 2008
Construction Guys, Coworkers, Default, Global Geography, Insults, Koreans, Languages, Offers and requests, Race, Soho, Words

Race