Wednesday One-Liners Call the Hotline Every Week

Teen girl, despairingly: If they ever find out a way to bring people back to life, I’m going to kill myself!

–14th St Subway Platform

Overheard by: yoncto

Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stupid things about how you want to stab yourself in the heart. It’s inconsiderate.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Hipster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was going to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a building.

–City College

Overheard by: Damn Right!

Guy on cell: You took them with alcohol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just suicide.

–Elevator, Saks Fifth Ave

Old waitress: Were you here the time Jimmy crucified himself?

–Manhattan Restaurant, Greenpoint

Overheard by: chris

Disgruntled Latina to friend: And I told her bitch: "Kill yourself, you don’t even know how to smoke right!"

–4 Train

Posted on January 17, 2023
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Brooklyn, City College, Drinking & Drunk People, Drugs, Education, Elevators, Friends, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hipsters, Latinos, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Psychology, Questions, Smoking, Stab, Street, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Suicide, Teens, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Waitresses, Weirdness

Readers: Answer This Overheard Rhetorical Question

Woman on cell: Well what did you expect? Did you think you could just go into the subway and get a million bucks playing your guitar?

–Union Square

Overheard by: Domi

Posted on January 3, 2023
Cell Phone, Hippies, Jobs & Careers, Money & Class, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Train Station, Union Square and East Village

Yes, Shrapnel is Hi-larious

Cop #1: That was a fun job. That was exciting.
Cop #2: Oh, come on.
Cop #1: When he said, “I’ll go in, you stay here”, I really thought we had a bomb there.

–Bay Parkway Subway Station

Posted on December 4, 2022
Cops, Jobs & Careers, Subway stations, platforms, etc.

$30 If You Count the Refreshments

Teen girl #1: Well, what’s more important right now? Going to the movies or getting stoned?
Teen girl #2: God, I don’t know…It’s ten dollars either way.

–Columbus Circle station

Overheard by: djlindee

Posted on November 7, 2022
Compare/Contrast, Girls, Money & Class, Questions, Stoners, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens

Seceded from Bubblefuck During the War

Guy #1: I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to live in fucking West Bubblefuck.
Guy #2: Bubblefuck? Yeah?
Guy #1: Well, it’s like…3,000 miles away. Damn.
Guy #2: Oh yeah, right.

–1 train

Overheard by: Sarah Cullen

Posted on November 6, 2022
History & Geography, Intelligentsia, On the Subway, Subway stations, platforms, etc.

Wednesday One-Liners Burp the Worm

Teen girl: If you want to lose weight, watch a lot of porn. I'm serious, if you watch porn, you won't have to eat for hours. Oh, and masturbating burns a lot of calories, too.

–Brooklyn

Very upset drunk hobo, after conductor announces last stop: Your kickin' all these people out to wait for the next train, just so you can jerk off?

–Bowling Green Station

Street dancer: Everyone on earth was born as a result of an orgasm. Everyone masturbates. And if they say they don't, they're lying. Even the Pope masturbates!

–Union Square

Irish dude, throwing tea to the ground: It's not right, man! Asshole masturbated in my tea!

–Outside Starbucks

Teen thug: I wanna pleasure myself while writing an essay, what's the problem with that?

–Q Train

Overheard by: Robert G.

Posted on October 21, 2022
Books & Writing, Brooklyn, Conductors, Diet/Weight, Drinks, Drunks, Foreigners, Girls, Guys, Hobos, Insults, Lies, Masturbation, On the Subway, One-liners, Orgasm, Pope, Porn, Public Transportation, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Starbucks, Street, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Putting Me in the Lead for Valedictorian. Booyah!

Nerdy white boy whose homework just blew away in the wind: Dang!
Ghetto girl: Looks like you ain’t doin’ yo’ math homework tonight, nigga!

–7 train

Overheard by: Jodi

Posted on October 16, 2022
Dorks, Geeks and Nerds, Ghetto Chicks, Gripes, Subway stations, platforms, etc.

As Opposed to the “Fuck Me Gently Later” Way

Girl: …yeah, I can’t wait. He is kinda cute.
Guy: Oh yeah?
Girl: Yeah, in a sort of “fuck me hard, fuck me now” kind of way. But that’s what I’m looking for right now.

20 min. later:

Guy: I really like him. He is a good guy.
Girl: He’s an alcoholic and insane! He’s great though, I like him too.

–2 train

Chick: I just have to go home and masturbate tonight. An orgasm would feel so good right now.

–42nd Street station

Overheard by: The Original Danger

Posted on October 2, 2022
Drinking & Drunk People, Friends, Hootchies, Masturbation, On the Subway, Relationships, Sex, Subway stations, platforms, etc.

It Takes a Lot of Effort To Make Wednesday One-Liners Look This Good

Guy to male friend: We believe that the better you look, the more spiritual you are.

–1st St & 5th Ave., Brooklyn

Overheard by: PrairieSquid

Man collecting money for the homeless: Come on guys, I’m way too pretty to be homeless.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Dara

Middle-aged African American male, with a blue NY Giants baseball cap on, and a fur coat: I’m pretty… I’m pretty… I’m pretty

–59th St Subway Station

Overheard by: nickporjr

Bum: Hey pretty! Hey pretty!
[Pretty girl coughs violently and sneezes at the same time.]Bum: Feel better, pretty.

–6th St & 7th Ave, Park Slope

Middle-aged, Chelsea-fit white guy on iPhone: Well, neither you nor any of your sisters were the beauty that I was…

–21st St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Sean

Middle-aged man: You know who was good-looking? Stalin, when he was younger. He was so dashing!

–104th & West End

Overheard by: communist!

Posted on September 30, 2022
Activists, All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Black People, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Family Ties, Friends, Guys, History & Geography, Homeless, Illness, Men, Nice People, Offers and requests, Panhandling, Park Slope, Physical appearance, Queer guys, Questions, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, White People, Wishes & desires

Presenting, the Modern-Day Socrates

Six-year-old kid to lost-looking mother: So, where's downtown?
Mom: Well, it's not uptown!

–42nd Street Subway Station

Overheard by: Excellent deduction, Watson.

Posted on September 18, 2022
Default, Directions, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, NYC Geography, Questions, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Words

Subway stations, platforms, etc.