[Patrol car flashing lights at curb. Small group of high-schoolers corralled against wall]Police officer: So what happened –what did you see?
Sharp teen: No hablo inglés.
Officer, in perfect Spanish: Entonces, que pasó? Qué viste?
Smart teen: No hablo español!
–85th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Christopher Stone
Teen boy #1: Yo son, butt sex mad disgusting.
Teen boy #2: No, it ain’t. If she shit before you do it you won’t get no poop on yo dick.
Teen boy #1: Pfft. They always be shit in her ass even if she shits.
Teen boy #2: Nah, son.
Teen boy #1: When you pull the mushroom out there gonna be shit under it.
Teen boy #2: Ha, ha, ha! No, it ain’t…Ask her about it.
–R train
Overheard by: Evan Walsh
Teenage girl #1: Ew, I have such bad dandruff. I need to like get rid of it because I can never wear black.
Teenage girl #2: Ew I know, me too! Except I have crotch dandruff.
Teenage girl #1: Umm… What’s that?
Teenage girl #2: I don’t know but every time I scratch my crotch it looks like it’s snowing.
–A Train
Overheard by: Does that mean she can’t wear black pants?
Girl to teenage posse: Either the pen was really weak or his butt was really strong.
–Jackson Heights, Queens
Overheard by: Newsbunny doesn't want to know
Crazy guy to self, after average woman walks by: Damn, that was a fine ass, a fine ass, that ass was so fine I'd eat a sandwich out that ass!
–36th & Broadway
Overheard by: Dingleberry
Large grown woman to grown man: I thought you have all sorts of butt magazines…
–34th & 8th
Guy to girl: I like it when you wear jeans, girl! It's like your ass is gift wrapped!
–33rd & 7th
Older woman to younger woman: If your booty deserves the credit, give it the credit!
–Central Park
Overheard by: Hell Yeah Give it the Credit!
Guy on cell: Wow! That's a lot of cookies. If I had that many cookies, I'd put a couple of them in my ass. (pause). It doesn't matter, I've got the space. I can't eat that many cookies.
–23rd & Lexington
Teen girl to teen boy: Unless you want a 9 millimeter stuck up your asshole.
–Grand Central Terminal
Girl on cell: Well, it's still rectal.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
20-something girl to 20-something guy, quite loudly: Yeah, but putting a metal spike up his ass wasn't exactly what I had in mind!
–28th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Jar Aaron
20-something woman: Baby, I think we're going to keep the Thanksgiving dinner out of my asshole.
–Herkimer St., Brooklyn
Overheard by: M. Fresh
Concerned male friend: Well, aren't you afraid of gettin' like, an STD or something? Don't you use condoms?
Confused teen girl: Well, we did the first few times, but then we didn't. I mean, he's been coming inside me for like a year now and nothin' ever happened. (points to belly, implying she's pregnant)
Concerned male friend: And how old is he again? How old are you?
Confused teen girl: He's 18. I'm 16–almost 17.
Concerned male friend: Damn, I don't know. This is fucked up. What you gonna do when you wanna go out? Like with your friends and shit.
Confused teen girl: I'll take my baby with me!
–E Train
Headline by: Erica Neumann
Runners-Up:
· “$5 Says You Guys Don’t Get a Single Non-Palin Headline on This One” – twoferrets
· “Ju No What I’m Talking About?” – Barry P.
· “My Breast-milk Is Gonna Be, Like, Fifty Percent Jägermeister…” – Who Doesn’t Love A Drunken Infant?
· “That Thing Is Gonna Need One Hell Of a Fake I.D.” – MJP
· “There’s a Bristol Palin Joke Here Somewhere…” – S-Train
· “You Know, Like One Of Those Elmo Backpacks?” – All by myself.
Teen girl: Wow, look at the men’s room line and then look at the women’s room line. It’s so much longer.
Fat woman: Yeah. Shit, I’ll grow a penis.
–Shubert Theater, W. 44th Street
Overheard by: Emily G.
Rastafarian man to white basketball female player with dreads: Hey! Why you white people always trying to look like me!
–Union Square
Black guy selling Empire State Building tickets: You're from Scotland? I love the Scots… They're puuuuuuurrreee white!
–Outside Empire State Building
Black woman to another, about frat guys nearby: Man, white people are so loud.
–109th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Becks
Black hobo to white teen: Get out of this neighborhood with your white crotch! You don't belong here!
–Upper West Side
Black woman to cops walking away: But I'm a Caucasian!
–Bed-Stuy
Teen boy #1: Man, I tell you, da reason France don’t want us in Iraq is dat dey know the second we done in Baddad we is headed right over the border and straight into Paris.
Teen boy #2: Nigga, you’se is ignorant. Iraq ain’t next to no France.
Teen boy #1: Nah man, I ain’t sayin it is right up on France, but, you know, it goes Iraq, Germany, some otha country, then France, so it is close.
Teen boy #2: Ain’t you eva seen no map? I’ma gonna show you when we get to school. That shit is in Africa, between Lidia and Egypt.
–F train
Overheard by: Ed Salcedo
Guy: I asked you if you knew where he lived; you pointed to Iraq!
Girl: Well, I don’t know. How was I supposed to know?
Guy: Iraq is not the same as Israel.
–Duane Reade, 28th & Park
Overheard by: Jack B
Teen girl #1: I like him cause he’s tough, but he ain’t thug.
Teen girl #2: Oh, he’s thug. He got that tattoo, he wears his pants all baggy and he got that great big coat.
Teen girl #1: Yeah, he got that tattoo, but them other things…he just short.
–A train
Overheard by: iiams
