Time

Wednesdays Will Let Go Of the One-Liners When They're Damn Good and Ready

Train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, if you see the doors are closing, don't throw yourselves at them.

–Uptown 6 Train

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, use all train doors. This is not a high school cafeteria line. Use all doors!

–C Train

Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. Please. Folks, I am not kidding, stand clear of the closing doors. Unless you like that whole cut-in-half look, then go right ahead and stand in the way.

–Uptown A Train

Overheard by: queen

Conductor: We are not auditioning for any amateur doormen today. Please let go of the closing doors.

–1 Train

Overheard by: RG

Door controller: Ladies and gentlemen, if you keep the doors open we will be here till Christmas. So don't do it.

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: Vedant

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen in the first car, please let the doors close. (people keep the doors open) Excuse me, please let the doors close. (people keep the doors open) Ladies and gentlemen, if you do not let the doors close, I will bite you. (doors close)

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: amused passenger

Raise Your Hand If You're Right There with Him

Conductor at Jamaica station: There is an express train to Babylon across the platform. It will get to Babylon nine minutes earlier than this train. I strongly recommend you take that train. In fact, I implore you to.
Drunk passenger: Wait…does this train still go to Babylon?
Sober passenger: Yes, just slower.
Drunk passenger: Then I ain't walking across no platform.

–LIRR

Overheard by: The WC

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Lot to Swallow

Suit on cell: I've already had a blow job tonight so I don't really care what happens.

–7th St & Ave A

Overheard by: Karmenlara Seidman

Lady suit to other: What about 1994? I haven't sucked cock or watched ice hockey since 1994!

–Lion's Head, 109th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: A great man

Toothless thug: And now she wants an award for sucking my dick.

–7th Ave & 16th St

Overheard by: mattamore

Guy on cell: Look, I'm about to get on the train and lose signal so I'll sum up my argument: until I can pull out my dick and get a blowjob from any woman I want, my grudge against feminists stands. No, I don't care if it doesn't make sense. Fuck you, I'm getting on the train!

–Penn Station

Old woman to husband: Now isn't she the girl who gave him head in the Port Authority bathroom?

–Bench, Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Horrified

Girl to two hipster friends with yoga mats: Oh my god, he had to stop me while I was sucking on his dick just to tell me he likes me. Like why? Ew, why would he bother?

–Avenue B & 13th

Well, Regardless, I Made Him Return Her.

French lady #1: So then he bought me some flowers. This was right before I found out he bought a prostitute.
French lady #2: Oh…how long ago was that?

–Macy's

If You Keep Me from My After-Work Drinking, the Terrorists Win

Woman #1, after train stops: Why aren't we moving?
Woman #2, leaning out of train doors: Some lady apparently saw something, so she said something.
Woman #1: Christ, you don't do that in the evening, you do that in the morning. She should know better!

–A Train

Overheard by: oneofmanymikes

We Like to Think Of It As Our Elephant in the Room

Woman #1: I did that walk once when the subway was out.
Woman #2: It's good exercise. So, me and my friend decided that we need to exercise at least twenty minutes a day. For motivation, we decided that for each day we don't get at least twenty minutes in, we will donate $10 to the Republican National Committee. It's very motivating.

–Hudson & Houston

Why Jackie Pushed Jill Down the Hill

20-something girl #1, outside bodega: Why are we waiting here?
20-something girl #2: How many times have I waited for you? My buckets are filled with your bullshit!

–15th St & 8th Ave, Brooklyn

Slightly Longer Than It's Taking You to Drive Us Nuts

Friendly guy to two cute girls speaking French: Hi, where are you girls from?
Girl #1: We are from Switzerland.
Friendly guy: Oh, so you speak Swedish?
Girl #1: No, we speak French.
Friendly guy, slowly: So then, you come from France?
Girl #2: No, we come from the French-speaking part of Switzerland.
Friendly guy, confused: Oh, okay. So uh, how long did it take you to drive here?

–Burger King, W 42nd St

Whatever You Do, Don't Drop Your Wednesday One-Liner in the Toilet

Dude with headphones on: How the fuck did Britney Spears get on my iPod?

–13th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Alice

Bus driver: Next stop, 47th Street. And to the asshole who has his iPod on too loud, turn it down or I'll throw you the fuck off.

–M15 Bus

Overheard by: Turned mine off immediately

White girl: It was like Hanukkah on my iPod yesterday! It said there was no battery left but it lasted for two hours!

–Bayside, Queens

Overheard by: Alexandra

Dad to girl: If you can just get over being a pissy girl, you get a free iPod Touch.

–23rd St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Jill Twiss

Really stoned girl, looking at iTunes latest releases: iFart mobile? Do they really have that for sale? iPhone can fart now? (pause) Is there anything an Apple device can't do?

–Bayside, Queens

Man playing electric guitar on subway: I take Mexican money, I take umbrellas. I take whatever you got. I have three kids at home who need iPods.

–2 Train

Overheard by: res

A Wednesday One-Liner by Any Other Word Would Smell As Sweet

Sikh guy: I know a guy from high school who wore a name tag for eight years.

–W 4th St

Man on cell: You know, what's-her-face, she's friends with what's-her-name in HR.

–54th & 6th

Aging Guido: So there was this girl, I loved her, what was her name? Oh right, Nina. She lived in this fucked-up place. She said she had one kid, I went over one time, there were like three. Anyway, one time she was all like, "could I get three thousand pesos?" or whatever, and I was like, "Sure, if I get to fuck you and your friend!"

–1 Train

Mother to whiny brunette daughter: If you don't stop complaining I'm going to change your name. (pause) Yes, I'm going to change your name to Merlot, and your sister will be Chardonnay.

–61st & Madison

Overheard by: nancy

Small girl to unsuspecting male stranger: Excuse me! Excuse me! Excuse me! (indicating mother) Her name's Sophia.

–M 96 Bus

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