Trains Not Subway

And in the Closet

Drunk hipster guy #1 (screaming): Let's see who can make out with the fattest girl tonight. Whoever makes out with the fattest gets ten dollars from everyone else.
Drunk hipster guy #2 (also screaming): Yeah, and if there's a close call, she can judge.
Drunk hipster girl: Hey, I want in on this action! That could be 50 bucks.
Guy #1: Okay, okay, you can play too. But if it comes down to a close call between us guys you have to decide which girl is fatter.
Drunk hipster guy #3: And she can have a good personality.
Drunk hipster guy #4: Why are we screaming?
Drunk hipster guy #1: Because we're Italian.

–LIRR

Overheard by: revolted

Wednesday Fa La La La Liners

Nerdy middle aged white woman to postal clerk: Yes, I'd like just one sheet of the Disney, and one of the Kwanzaa.

–Cathedral Station Post Office

Overheard by: Emily B.

Woman yelling down a stairwell: Happy holidays to you, ma'am! Hope you choke on a candy cane!

–Central Park South

Overheard by: Daisy Mae

Girl: One morning, I woke up and I thought it was Christmas. Then I went outside and I realized it's not Christmas!

–57th & Columbus

Overheard by: Have a holly jolly Columbus Day?

Irish tourist woman: You went to Macy's? Did you see outside? They have black Santas here.

–Brendan's Bar

Overheard by: Danny

Old guy scanning tickets, singing quietly to self after each bar code beep: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way…

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh!

Conductor on speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, we will be arriving shortly. In case you haven't finished your Christmas shopping, feel free to stop by the Metro North booth. You could buy a 10-trip for the kids, a weekly for the wife, or a one-way for the in-laws. Merry Christmas.

–Metro North

Overheard by: Christmas Spirit

Wednesday One-Liners Appeal the Restraining Order

Jamaican woman on cell: Guess what? I don't stalk people anymore!

–Metro-North Train

Overheard by: Kristen

Guy to another: I know where you live. I could totally stalk you.

–PATH Train

Overheard by: fish

Man on corner holding many whistles for sale, wearing multicolored, umbrella hat: Young man, get one for your skateboard. Great for bikers, joggers, walkers, fast talkers and park stalkers!

–59th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Emily

Woman on cell: Right, right…I want to show him that's not me: I'm *not* stalking him…I'm *not* obsessed with him.

–West 66 Street & Freedom Place

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

40-something woman to sister (waiting for Daniel Radcliffe to come out after first preview of Equus: Okay, let's go. It's okay. I saw him last week, and I know where he lives.

–Broadhurst Theatre

Overheard by: ouch, you just elbowed me in the face, bitch

Lime-Green Culottes and All

Yuppie wannabe guy #1: I'm not trendy, am I?
Yuppie wannabe guy #2: No, you're not trendy.
Yuppie wannabe girl: No, no. You're not trendy. You're you. You're you.

–MetroNorth Harlem Line

Overheard by: M.A.

Wednesday One-Liner Are the Low Hanging Fruit on the Family Tree

Man on cell: Hey mom… It's your son! You jackass!

–Bleecker & Mercer

Hot girl to hot friend: Has my brother ever told you his glue stories? (friend shakes head) Well… (begins whispering)

–2 Train

Man shouting on cell: I didn't know she was your sister! Jesus!

–Amtrak Train

Four-year-old to another: I'll be the mother and you the daughter, so you the boss of me.

–Ave D

Woman to friend: Not only is he messing with my marriage, but now I gotta tell my kids they ain't brothers!

–Park Ave & 125th St

Woman to another: …so I was fucking your brother.

–Theatre District

Yet a Little Bit Reptar, at the Same Time.

Girl #1: You remember on that cartoon Rugrats there was that monster named Reptar?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: I had a dream last night where I was trying to replace the word “cool” with “Reptar”.
Girl #2: That's strange.
Girl #1: Yes, yes it is.

–LIRR

You Should See Me Heal the Lepers

Train engineer #1, after train comes to a halt: Uh, I think we might have a problem.
Train engineer #2: Aw, not again…
Train engineer #1: Wait…hold on. Oh, there we go.
(train starts running again)
Train engineer #2: Ah! Such magical fingers you have…

–Metro-North Train

Overheard by: Eve

When a Man Puts Aside His Fake ID

Conductor #1: Now arriving on track 21, track 21, folks. Track 21.
Conductor #2: Ahhh, 21…the age of love!

–Metro North

We Expected Nothing Less from the Birthplace of the Long Island Iced Tea

Conductor: Crime does not pay. I repeat, crime does not pay. There will be no crime on this train. Littering is a crime. Throwing up on the train is a crime. If you feel the need to relieve yourself, there is one place you can throw up on the train…on yourself. Or if you have a girlfriend, you can have her join in on the situation and you can throw up on her. I'm sure that punishment would be far worse. (at the next stop) I'd like to thank the gentleman in the second car. That was the most amazing display of projectile vomit outside the car doors that I have ever seen! A new record!

–LIRR

Overheard by: Rob Mo

…Until You Tell Me Your Name

Horny girl: Come on, babe.
Bemused guy: Stop touching my titty.

–LIRR

Overheard by: awkward onlooker

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