Customer: Got anything to kill a mouse?
Clerk: Hammer!
Customer: Yeah, tried that.
–True Value Hardware Store, Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: I Prefer A Circular Saw
Customer: Got anything to kill a mouse?
Clerk: Hammer!
Customer: Yeah, tried that.
–True Value Hardware Store, Carroll Gardens
Overheard by: I Prefer A Circular Saw
Black lady to coworker: Girl, I got me a real bad paper cut this afternoon. Hurt like a bitch! I swears, a real bad paper cut hurts more than actually being stabbed.
–M3 bus
Overheard by: Mooka
Chick on cell: I can’t decide if I want to fuck you or push you into oncoming traffic on the BQE.
–51st & Lex
Young girl to young guy: I don’t know you yet, so you can’t hit.
–Union Square
Overheard by: So happy to have finally overheard something worth submitting!
Guy on cell: Yeah, I got a fuckin’ ass whoopin’ for him on lay away, though.
–36th & 8th
Overheard by: Jenn
Crotchety old man: The best part was when his daughter stabbed him in the neck with scissors.
–Outside AMC, Times Square
Overheard by: Max Wastler
Woman, 40s: …so I was like, no man can get away with that! I won’t let him get away with that! So I decided to leave him. I took my clothes, my jewelry, and my money, I didn’t need no more than that…are you listening to me? So I packed my bags, took my jewelry, his jewelry, my money, his money, and left $5 on the dresser–leave him broke, right? And then before I left, he was sleeping? And you know, the muscle still works even when he’s sleeping (there’s kids around but y’all know what muscle I’m talking about). So I did what I had to do, right, and then I took the superglue and stuck it right to his stomach. I glued that shit down. I rubbed it all over his hair down there, too. Got him good. Neighbors told me he had to go to the hospital, get that shit surgically removed.
–4 train
Overheard by: Anna
Four-year-old boy: I have gun! Gun, gun, gun, gun, gun!
–Gate, Newark Airport
Overheard by: minkey
Man on phone: Yo! The last time I saw that nigga I shot at that nigga!
–43rd & 7th
Overheard by: Alex
Guy with facial piercings: My mom’s such a bitch. She’s like, ‘I don’t want any guns or drugs in the house!’ and I was like, ‘Fuck you, Mom!’
–Penn Station
Woman on cell: Kings County is the best hospital to go to if you get shot in New York.
–14th & Union Square
Overheard by: Mole
Thug kid to thug friends: I don’t do shootings. And besides, this is my stop.
–7 train, Queens
Overheard by: Mrs. LeClair
Girl #1: He told me not to worry about his girlfriend. He was like, “You know you’re gonna like it!”
Girl #2: Oh my god, that’s so your type! Like, borderline rapist!
–Bungalow 8, West 27th Street
Overheard by: Katie
Guy eating pancakes: Everything's funny in retrospect, like the time I got that screwdriver stuck in my eye.
–IHOP, Brooklyn
Ancient Greek civilization professor: A sexual act, in some sense, for an observer is funny.
–Hunter College
Crazy lady: All the prostitutes need to be rounded up and stuck in churches! (teen girl laughs) You think that's funny? It's not gonna be funny when you are in a hospital addicted to crack!
–Water St & Broad St
Girl to her friend: Wouldn't it be funny if human beings could only walk forward and backwards?
–8th St & 2nd Ave
Lady sitting with girlfriends: It's funny because I'm pregnant, and he doesn't know.
–Starbucks
Drunken Jets fan to friends in Jets jerseys: That's not funny. You want to see something funny? (grabs wooden signpost, slams forehead into it) That's funny!
–W 4th & Barrow
Overheard by: jira monkey
Woman: …you know, he was much darker than the other kids who were really white, so he was called a nigger. He was dyslexic.
Man: Wha?
Woman: But he was a strong boy. One time when he was bitten by a dog, I came in to his room and he was lying there with blood on him. He didn’t scream or say a word…a very strong boy.
Man: What are you talking about?
–Times Square
Woman #1: Wow, those fingerless gloves are great! You look like you could get into a fistfight, but in a totally adorable way!
Woman #2: It would be the cutest, fuzziest, bluest fight ever!
–5th & 22nd
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Woman on cell: And when my brother got near him, his poop came out. That's how scared he was.
–107th & Broadway
Woman on cell: So yeah, they are really scary, like if you walk in the house they will bark really loud, and that's totally worse than them biting you.
–Majestic Theater
Girl on cell: I went in for genetic counseling and I found out things that scared me.
–10th Ave & 39th St
Overheard by: Todd Fletcher
Girl on cell: No, you can't go! I'm too stoned and too scared. Just stay on the phone with me, please.
–Supermarket, Astoria
Conductor: Never fear! The phantom of the train is here!
–7 Train
Overheard by: Alex
Guy #1: He’s not down with it.
Guy #2: What do you mean, he’s not down with it?
Guy #1: Don’t worry, he’s going to be down with it.
Guy #2: How’s he going to be down with it?
Guy #1: We’ll make him down with it.
–Ave. A
