Fully Automatic Water-Cooled Assault Wednesday One-Liners

Four-year-old boy: I have gun! Gun, gun, gun, gun, gun!

–Gate, Newark Airport

Overheard by: minkey

Man on phone: Yo! The last time I saw that nigga I shot at that nigga!

–43rd & 7th

Overheard by: Alex

Guy with facial piercings: My mom’s such a bitch. She’s like, ‘I don’t want any guns or drugs in the house!’ and I was like, ‘Fuck you, Mom!’

–Penn Station

Woman on cell: Kings County is the best hospital to go to if you get shot in New York.

–14th & Union Square

Overheard by: Mole

Thug kid to thug friends: I don’t do shootings. And besides, this is my stop.

–7 train, Queens

Overheard by: Mrs. LeClair

Posted on October 18, 2021
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bryant Park, Penn Station, Shoot, Union Square and East Village, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Guy Ritchie, Drunk?

Girl #1: He told me not to worry about his girlfriend. He was like, “You know you’re gonna like it!”
Girl #2: Oh my god, that’s so your type! Like, borderline rapist!

–Bungalow 8, West 27th Street

Overheard by: Katie

Posted on August 14, 2021
Bars & Clubs, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Relationships, Sex & Relationships, Stupidity, Violence

Are Wednesday One-Liners Funny Ha-Ha, or Funny-Peculiar?

Guy eating pancakes: Everything's funny in retrospect, like the time I got that screwdriver stuck in my eye.

–IHOP, Brooklyn

Ancient Greek civilization professor: A sexual act, in some sense, for an observer is funny.

–Hunter College

Crazy lady: All the prostitutes need to be rounded up and stuck in churches! (teen girl laughs) You think that's funny? It's not gonna be funny when you are in a hospital addicted to crack!

–Water St & Broad St

Girl to her friend: Wouldn't it be funny if human beings could only walk forward and backwards?

–8th St & 2nd Ave

Lady sitting with girlfriends: It's funny because I'm pregnant, and he doesn't know.

–Starbucks

Drunken Jets fan to friends in Jets jerseys: That's not funny. You want to see something funny? (grabs wooden signpost, slams forehead into it) That's funny!

–W 4th & Barrow

Overheard by: jira monkey

Posted on July 19, 2021
Accidents, All Wednesday One-Liners, Assholes, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Church, Crazies, Drunks, Friends, Girlfriends, Girls, Guys, Hard Drugs, Health and Hygiene, Hunter, One-liners, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Prostitution, Sex, Starbucks, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, The Village, Violence, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village, Women

Surely She Doesn’t Mean Ronald reggiN?

Woman: …you know, he was much darker than the other kids who were really white, so he was called a nigger. He was dyslexic.
Man: Wha?
Woman: But he was a strong boy. One time when he was bitten by a dog, I came in to his room and he was lying there with blood on him. He didn’t scream or say a word…a very strong boy.
Man: What are you talking about?

–Times Square

Posted on June 24, 2021
Assholes, Insults, Race, Times Square, Violence, Weirdness, Words

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Woman #1: Wow, those fingerless gloves are great! You look like you could get into a fistfight, but in a totally adorable way!
Woman #2: It would be the cutest, fuzziest, bluest fight ever!

–5th & 22nd

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Posted on June 16, 2021
Clothing, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Violence, Weirdness, Women, Words

The Sum Of All Wednesday One-Liners

Woman on cell: And when my brother got near him, his poop came out. That's how scared he was.

–107th & Broadway

Woman on cell: So yeah, they are really scary, like if you walk in the house they will bark really loud, and that's totally worse than them biting you.

–Majestic Theater

Girl on cell: I went in for genetic counseling and I found out things that scared me.

–10th Ave & 39th St

Overheard by: Todd Fletcher

Girl on cell: No, you can't go! I'm too stoned and too scared. Just stay on the phone with me, please.

–Supermarket, Astoria

Conductor: Never fear! The phantom of the train is here!

–7 Train

Overheard by: Alex

Posted on June 14, 2021
All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Conductors, Family Ties, Fears, Girls, Grocery Stores, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Man's Best Friend, Medicine, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Poop, Public Transportation, Theater, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weed, Weirdness, Women

Speaking Algebraic

Guy #1: He’s not down with it.
Guy #2: What do you mean, he’s not down with it?
Guy #1: Don’t worry, he’s going to be down with it.
Guy #2: How’s he going to be down with it?
Guy #1: We’ll make him down with it.

–Ave. A

Posted on June 12, 2021
Guys, Talking/Convos, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Violence

Believe Me, He Would Know

Guy #1: Hey…Sam?
Guy #2: No…Sam’s my brother.
Guy #1: Oh…sorry. Dude, you look just like him.
Guy #2: Well, we’re brothers.
Guy #1: Me and my brother don’t look anything alike.
Guy #2: Huh. Guess your mother was a whore.

–37th & 3rd

Posted on May 17, 2021
Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Default, Family Ties, Guys, Insults, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Physical appearance, Prostitution, Violence, Weirdness

Why Pepper Spray Was Invented.

Guy: In my brain, I want to cause you pain. I don't want to scare you, but I'm a lot bigger and stronger than you are.
Girl: Yeah, I don't think I can take you in a fight.

–NYU Library

Posted on May 10, 2021
Compare/Contrast, Girls, Guys, Height, NYU, Threats, Violence, Wishes & desires

Or Donate It to Toys for Tots.

Girl #1: You said you wanted to castrate him…
Girl #2, interrupting: And force-feed him his own dick. Yeah. I?m beyond that point now. I still want to castrate him, but I?ll just throw it away.

–Columbia University

Posted on April 19, 2021
Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Penis, Threats, Violence, Wishes & desires

Violence

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