Wednesday One-Liners

A Little Wednesday One-Liner in a Big Pond

Drunk girl: I just love a cock in my mouth! It is a fact of my life, like Blair and Tootie. I want to be carnivorous. I will eat fish if it's the only thing on the menu, but I really just want some meat! I'm not fishiverous!

–Party, Ditmars Boulevard, Astoria

Overheard by: likes steak AND seafood

Girl to friend: Surely if she was ever in possession of a penis, then on merit she would inherit the family lobster farm?

–28th & 7th

Ginger: Garibaldi… That is so weird. That is the name of the California state fish. I wonder if the statue is named after the fish.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: camillo cavour

Man to wife: That's too much calamari, even for a homeless guy.

–East Village

Not in the Face, Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: You keep talking over me–it makes me want to punch you in the uterus.

–Ray's Pizza, 52 & 8th

Overheard by: Jarett

Guy to friend: You keep referring to me as "that guy" and we'll see how long you stay conscious.

–33rd & 7th

Nervous man seated against the wall: I don't like this seat. I don't like sitting here. I like to sit on the aisle. What if there's a fight? I don't want to be trapped in a place with a fight.

–Off-Broadway Theatre

Overheard by: Hannah

Ghetto chick: Can't you get somebody else to fuck him up? Why you gotta do it?

–W Train

Overheard by: sara n.

Man: He was trying to turn his alcoholism into a positive thing instead of attacking the guy who raped his sister.

–The Strand Bookstore

Overheard by: Slightly confused, yet intrigued…

Girl on cell: Remember that time you got into a fight with an inch worm?

–Chambers St

Overheard by: Shooty

Now Soliciting Wednesday One-liners

Newspaper vendor: Come on, people! Buy this right-wing rag! Buy it!

–41st & 6th

Overheard by: M. Hutchinson

Shop owner: Come inside! Come on our floors! Come everywhere!

–Canal Street store

Overheard by: Casey D.

Guy on cell: I’m just out here trying to sell comedy club tickets to upper middle class White people. What are you doing?

–Broadway & 46th

Flyer guy: Eyebrow threading! Eyebrow threading! That’s right, mo more crooked-ass eyebrows!

–35th & 7th

Overheard by: Johnny Peppas

Wednesday One-Liners Will Do Everything but the Bikini Wax

Queer: I just want to work on my arms. I don’t need to bother with abs — I’ll just spray them on.

–New York Sports Club, 23rd St

Lady in elevator to grandma with walker: That M.A.C Stuff is like spackle! It stays on for hours!

–Macy’s

Overheard by: nuck

Columbia co-ed: I always put on makeup when I’m drunk. It’s such a bad idea!

–114th St & Broadway

Overheard by: tired of Morningside Heights

Young girl: Mom, can I get my Social Studies teacher a gift? I’ma get her some lotion, ’cause she mad ashy! Yo, I ain’t even lyin’. I ain’t even lyin’…

–Steinway St, Astoria

Ghetto chick hanging up cell angrily: Great! He gone messed up my day! Now I’m definitely getting my hair and nails did!

–Wendy’s, 34th & 8th

Overheard by: Jesus Jon

Wednesday One-liners: the Resurrection

Woman: She said she want to make more than 8 dollars. I said, “Honey, you ain’t makin’ no 20 dollars unless you sell drugs.”

–Bowery

Overheard by: Stephanie Emilienburg

Girl on cell: I think the truth is rotting into your brain, that’s why you’re getting migraines.

–Astoria

Overheard by: Rych

Xenophobic Wednesday One-Liners

Black woman, looking at Nacho Libre poster: I don’t wanna see any foreign shit. Fuck that!

–AMC theatre, 34th & 8th

Overheard by: K Smith

Woman with white dog to woman with black dog: He’s only barking because he isn’t used to seeing that kind of dog.

–Central Park

What Day Do We Post Wednesday One-Liners?

Suit to security guard: Which elevator goes next door?

–1 Penn Plaza

Overheard by: Nora

Hot dog vendor: To go?

–Hot Dog Stand, 62nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Chrissy

Woman holding Dunkin Donuts mug to employee: Excuse me, can this mug hold cold drinks as well, or just hot ones?

–Dunkin Donuts, 76th & York

Woman: Crepe cafe? What do they do there? (comes closer) Ohhhh, they make crepes?

–Crepe Cafe Cart, W 50th St

Overheard by: Dianora

20-something girl to friend: What are we even walking for again?

–Strides Against Breast Cancer Walk, Central Park

Laughing, genuinely amazed Columbia underclassman: Isn't it, like, amazing, how we know what is food and what isn't food?

–W 114th Street b/w Broadway & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Conductor: Next stop is…where am I?

–Uptown 1 Train

Wednesday One-Liners Throw Their Pennies Down the Well

Dude: Man, I wish I had a doorknob.

–34th & 8th

Hustler on cell: I just wish you wasn’t being all one-track-mind-your-own-business about this.

–Chinatown

Hobo: Can anybody help a disabled Navy veteran get something to eat? If you help me buy a sandwich, you’ll get a 2007 Zagat for half price. [A suit gives him money but declines the Zagat.] Okay, but I really wish someone would buy the Zagat.

–4 train

Overheard by: Fagat

Guy on cell: You just wish you were my baby’s mama!

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Elizabeth

Hipster: … So he said, ‘I wish Jesus was alive now. I’d invite him to join MySpace.com and I’d force him to be my friend.’

–Q train crossing the East River

Overheard by: Beth Smith

Wednesday One-Liners Did Coke in the ’80s

Young lady yuppie on cell: It is a perfectly normal fear to be afraid of bubbles!

–83rd & Broadway

Overheard by: KS

Yuppie chick holding hands with yuppie boyfriend: Penis, penis, penis, penis.

–Astor Place

Overheard by: sarah

Yuppie chick on cell: The thing about my ex is it’s, like, the story of ‘If you give a mouse a fucking cookie, I mean, eventually he’ll want to climb into bed with you and have you read him a fucking bedtime story.’

–Rector St

Yuppie: Let’s go find my ex-fiance and beat her up.

–46th & 8th

Wednesday One-Liners and the Political Process

Hobo: There’s a Republican in Greenwich Village! [Sirens sound nearby.] Better watch out!

–W 12th & 8th

Overheard by: nyamelia

Excited man on cell: It’s a White House colonic!

–17th & 6th

Seven-year-old girl with silent parents: Spitzer won! Spitzer won! Spitzer won!

–8th Ave, Park Slope

20-ish guy on cell: What do you mean, ‘Bush will get re-elected in ’08’? Didn’t you go to fuckin’ grade school and learn about the two term limit on the presidency? Okay, yeah, I’ll be over for dinner tonight… Love ya, Mom! Bye!

–W 41st & 7th

Hipster dude to another: That girl told me she was a Republican, and I fucked her in the ass all night long. That was the best ass sex I ever had.

–Clinton St & 3rd Pl, Carroll Gardens

Overheard by: Terry

Customer: I’d like a grande hazelnut latte and a new president.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: Grady

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