Pilot: For those of you seated on the left, if you look out of your window you can see the beautiful Manhattan skyline. For those seated on the right… thank you for flying United.

–Flight to Newark

Overheard by: will

Captain: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I’m your captain, James T. Kirk, and today I’ll be assisted by my copilot, Ricky Bobby.

–JetBlue flight, JFK

Overheard by: jewish girl

Flight attendant: Welcome to New York’s LaGuardia airport, where the local time is way too early in the morning!

–Red-eye flight from Ft. Lauderdale, FL

Overheard by: Johanna Cipolla

Female flight attendant: In response to the many requests about what in-flight movies will be playing I have decided to make a public announcement: we are playing Gone with the Wind, and you are all free to sit on the wing to watch it. There is one oxygen mask per seat, and two in the bathroom. Why there are two in the bathroom — your guess is as good as mine. Thank you, and have a pleasant flight.

–Southwest flight to JFK

Flight attendant on PA: Be careful when opening the overhead bins. Items can shift during flight and fall on you, or even, God forbid, me.

Overheard by: Earthborn

–American Airlines flight, JFK

Flight attendant: Please take out the safety cards in your seat’s back pocket and pretend to follow along.

–United flight 7418, LaGuardia

Overheard by: Natalya Petrovna

Flight attendant: Thank you for listening to the safety announcement for this Boeing 777 service to Atlanta… [Proceeds in low whisper] Go to sleep. Go to sleep. You don’t want any beverages. Close your eyes and sleeep…

–Red-eye flight, LaGuardia

Overheard by: Drewp