Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Could Give a Shit about the Content of Your Character

College chick to three pals: Last night I had a dream about non-white people.

–1 train

Overheard by: MLK-what?

Black boyfriend tying white girl’s shoe: Isn’t this racist?

–65th & Broadway

Bimbette: I can’t tell the difference between Chinese people, Japanese people, Koreans, and Asians.

–Times Square

Overheard by: me neither..

Black guy to another: So, what the Palestinians are sayin’ is how did the Jews leave black and come back white?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: FabAb

Teacher: When you break down racial groups’ IQs statistically, different races are smarter than others. So, there’s no mystery here, blacks and Latinos are at the bottom, whites and Asians are on top. Well, actually, Asians score the highest so go ahead and feel proud of yourselves.

–Bronx High School of Science

Overheard by: LSB

Professor: I use the word ‘race,’ but it’s just a code we use for ‘African American.’

–Silver Center, Washington Square

Do I Hear the Pitter Patter Of Tiny Wednesday One-Liners?

Sassy lady on cell: I tell you, he got the wrong bitch pregnant!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Stunned!

Girl: Ugh, pregnancy would be like, so much worse than gonorrhea.

–John Jay Dining Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: jane

AT&T employee: Yeah, when I had my daughter I actually didn't have to stay overnight in the hospital. See, usually, after you have the baby, you have to pass the placenta. The doctor actually reached up inside me and just pulled it out, just like that. He told me I was fine to go home after that, so I did.

–AT&T Store, Union Square

20-something on cell: But I refused to go down on him…I told him I'm not ready to have a baby. (pause) Of course you can get pregnant by swallowing! Hello? Did you not take sex-ed in high school?

–61st St & Lexington Ave

Woman on cell: It's such a small opening, and it gets torn apart when you have a kid!

–42nd St & Park Ave

Overheard by: Weekender

20-something on cell: But I'm tired of always being pregnant.

–East Village

Overheard by: also tired

Wednesday One-Liners Owned the “Math Is Hard” Barbie

Teacher: You had six, one of them quit, you now have four… Wait!

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

Woman to friends: It’s true! Crack babies just aren’t very good at math.

–W Houston St.

Overheard by: Emily T.

Disgruntled woman on cell: We are not splitting this in half — I want 70-40!

–Broadway & Exchange

Enthusiastic conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the last car is not the only car on this train. If you spread out, you get on the train faster, we get moving faster, and you won’t be able to complain that MTA trains never run on time. It’s simple mathematics, ladies and gentlemen. Get up on it.

–A train

Overheard by: mildly entertained

Let’s Catch a Flick, Wednesday One-liners

Man: I charge you with this sacred drink, and with this straw: I call this straw Excalibur, straw of destiny.

–Sony Lincoln Square, 68th Street

Overheard by: timothy wolfe

Bald man: See, the Joker was the first real villain Batman had to face…

–Le Pescadou, King Street

Overheard by: emdashes

Guy: Uh-uh. This nigga would be outta town. I see lightnin’ goin off and holes in the ground. No way! I will grab my purse, a bottle of water, my sister, and my gun and get the fuck outta Dodge. Peace, aliens!

–Sony Lincoln Square, 68th Street

Guy: There’s really no way to tell someone that’s the seat’s taken without sounding like a complete douchebag.

–Loews Kips Bay, 2nd Avenue

Overheard by: Jonathan Weiss

One-a-Day Wednesday One-Liners

Middle-aged lady: I wear makeup on Sundays. I like to look good on the Lord’s day.

–135th & Madison

Overheard by: Kate

Woman: Monday is the new Friday.

–11 Penn Plaza

Guy on cell: … So let’s just go ahead with the Tuesday night cripple hunt.

–Grand St & Bedford Ave

Conductor: This stop is Jay Street-Borough Hall. You can transfer here across the platform to the A and C trains, which you can take uptown to Columbus Circle and on up to 168th Street. Be sure to take your stuff with you when you go, and have a great Wednesday here in the middle of the week.

–F train

Overheard by: … or maybe she was stoned

40-something lady to another: … Then I told him, ‘Nevermind the bruises, I just had liposuction last Thursday.’

–Broadway, just below Houston

Guy on cell: Yeah, well, I won’t be there if you’re going to be doing all that religious stuff… Aren’t you, like, castrating a duck or something? … Oh, okay, well I’ll be there on Friday, then.

–By the tram

Wednesday One-Liners Suffer the Heartache of Gringo Hips

Four-year-old girl to nanny: No, princesses don't get tickled. They just dance and get married.

–North Williamsburg

Overheard by: anti-feminist

White girl in hoodie: If I see any of the other girls there want to dance with you they'd better watch out, 'cause it's stab-a-slut Sunday.

–J Train

Short guy with greasy hair: Yo, this girl was like, "wanna dance?" and I was like "okay," so she started dancing mad good. She was grinding up against me with her ass.

–3rd Ave & 71st, Brooklyn

Gay guy on cell in long line during Circuit City closeout: Does it have speakers? Because I like to dance in my room, and I like to feel the music. It's really cold, so I like to dance in my room, you know?

–Circuit City, Union Square

Drunk girl to Guido she knocked heads with while dancing: I'm a drinker, not a dancer!

–Hook & Ladder Pub, Murray Hill

Overheard by: also a drinker

Professor: I'm of the personal opinion that anything counts for art. Take, for example, Nelly's "Hot in Here." We have an admonition of certain weather conditions and an entreaty for certain members of a demographic to react within a certain way, and a compliant voice replies, "I am getting so hot, I'm gonna take my clothes off." This piece of art demonstrates how much easier life would be if getting a woman naked was that easy. And also, it makes me dance, and as we know, hips don't lie.

–NYU Bobst Library

Overheard by: queenofscots

Wednesday One-Liners Stay One Lesson Ahead

Professor to unresponsive class: So, how do you know when a scene is over? Yeah, you just know, like porn.

–Sarah Lawrence College

Professor: Don’t mess with Socratic ninjas.

–NYU Law

Professor to silent class: Come on, what do you think? Someone say something. It’s kind of like sex. Sometimes you don’t want to do it, but you have to do what you have to do.

–Columbia University

Professor: I was whipped by a crazed dwarf in a cave for a month! Then I married him!

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Ali

Professor turning off powerpoint: And now we kick it old school.

–NYU Cantor

Overheard by: Jesse

SVA professor: Woo, I’m so jazzed today — it’s like I’m on crystal meth! [Students laugh.] No, seriously, I never did crystal meth! Speed, sure. Quaaludes, of course, but not crystal meth. Never. Nope. Oxycodone, maybe.

–SVA building

Overheard by: SUSAN

Professor: The Native Americans even have biological differences… except for the Native Americans of Australia.

–History class, Hunter College

Overheard by: tanechka

The NYC Cast of Characters in: Wednesday One-liners

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, all cars on this train are going to final destination: Parkchester. All cars will be making all stops.

–6 train

Newspaper vendor: Yo! Suits! Go get me that deal…or else! I mean right now, go get it done!

–41st & 6th

Overheard by: M. Hutchinson

Tourist on cell: Of course I know where we are. We’re near Broadway Street. No, no, wait. Broadway Avenue.

–57th & Broadway

Overheard by: Karyn Regal

Petitioner: Please help us save the filibuster!

–West 66th & Broadway

Overheard by: Todd Seavey

Subway salesman: …and thank you for helping me keep a roof over my head. I mean three roofs: I live in the basement.

–Q train

Metro New York guy: Free paper! Get your free paper!…Man, I’m sick of this shit.

–Union Square

Metro New York guy: Shit, man, I’m tired of sayin’ this!…Okay, fine. Good mornin’. Good mornin’. Shit.

–Park Place station

The Magic of Wednesday One-liners

Singing bag lady: My mother is a bitch! She’s a voodoo bitch. She’s a fucking whore. I hope that bitch gets cancer…the worst kind of cancer. She prevents me from getting a job with her voodoo.

–Bowling Green station

Overheard by: K2 Combo

Guy: That’s the last time I date a girl with a cape.

–Bryant Park station

Girl:…I don’t know why she hates me. She put a curse on me! But my mom took me to her healer and now I’m okay. I don’t really remember much, though.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Emily Y.

Wednesday-One-Liners Cope with At-Will Employment

Kid, to Clown dancing to ‘Hey Ya!’ in the bleachers: Get a job!

–Shea Stadium

Overheard by: thinks the clown is unemployed too

Guy on cell: You’re fired! You’re fired, ok? Ok? Ok, see you later, then.

–33rd & 6th

Hobo to well-endowed girl on the street: Damn girl! I wish I met you when I had a job!

–54th & 9th Ave.

Overheard by: Jasmine

Bimbette: The boss says I am too bubbly, too nice and it’s really freaking out the customers.

–72nd & Broadway

Suit on cell: I know she looks like she can fit your cock in her mouth, but aren’t you looking for a secretary?

–Wanamaker & 4th Ave

Young woman on cell: I wish Jesus would just come down and be like, ‘You’re gonna get the job.’

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: The Ficus

Customer: I have half a mind to come back here when the bitch gets off work… Whatever her life sucks, she works at Wendy’s.

–Wendy’s, 14th & 5th

Overheard by: Devon

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