Weirdness

Why Oscar the Grouch Hired Bouncers

Conductor: Yes, here’s the bathroom. And if someone’s in there (points to the garbage can in the wall) you can go right in there, I don’t care.
Guy standing near the garbage, to another passenger: Hey, hey! Not while I’m standing here.

–Train Departing from Penn Station

Headline by: Rachel

Runners-Up:
· “And the Waterfountain Is a Bidet on Really Busy Days” – bdayfox
· “I Guess It Really Is Better to Be Pissed Off Than Pissed On” – Mark
· “Let Me Lay Down and Get Comfortable First” – ddv
· “Please Stand Clear Of the Emptying Bowels” – Mr. Hedge
· “So That’s What They Mean by “Business” Class.” – Jessie Birks
· “Wait Till We Get to Newark, When I Can’t Tell the Difference” – Barry P.

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

…No Disrespect

(Guy wearing laminated sign bearing photo of the 9/11 commission report approaches shopper)
Signboard guy: Excuse me, are you a registered voter in New York?
Middle-aged man in suit: Yes.
Signboard guy: We are trying to gather signatures to have the 9/11 commission reopened.
Middle-aged man: You’re a fucking asshole from hell!

–Associated Store, 14th St & 1st Ave

In That Case I’d Recommend Less Wrist

(older woman flailing her arms around while speaking to younger woman she is dining with)
Waitress: Yes, did you need something?
Older woman: Oh, no! I was just doing an imitation of ferocious wolves in the wild.
Waitress: Oh, okay.

–French Restaurant, Spring St

She Looks Kinda Tough Though

Girl #1: If you could eat anyone, who would it be?
Girl #2: Famous, or people we know?
Girl #1: Ummm… famous. And then people we know.
Girl #2: Gabrielle Reece.
Girl #1: Yeah, good call.

–Cafeteria, 18th & 7th

Madonna Did Not Heed the Old Hobo’s Advice

Hobo: Hello.
Girl: Um… Hello.
Hobo: (gives girl some coins and smiles) You look like a nice girl. Don’t become a whore.
Girl: Um… Thanks, I guess.

–6 Train

Overheard by: April

A Gift That Keeps on Giving

13-year-old girl: Oh my god, you and Isabel have a new inside joke?
Friend: Oh my god, you check my Facebook wall like everyday, don’t you?
13-year-old girl: Yeah, I do. Didn’t you see that I sent you a new bumper sticker? It says “I respect your sluttiness.”

–Darkened Bathroom, Bat Mitzvah Party

Um, Plate Tectonics?

Large black woman with large black turban: I am a full blooded Navajo Indian, I have the right to be here on this sidewalk!
Cop she’s arguing with: Well, wait a minute. You just said you were going home to Ethiopia. How the hell can you be a Navajo?

–6th Ave b/w 3rd & 4th

Overheard by: Ben Goldman

Stephen Hawking Gets a Bum Rap

Dumb hipster girl #1: That genius is so hot.
Dumb hipster girl #2: He gets more ass than a toilet seat. He has a lot of STDs. I read about him on williamsboard. There is like a 200 response thread about him and his STDs.
Dumb hipster girl #1: Well so do I.
Dumb hipster girl #2: What?

–Apple Store, 59th & 5th

Those Who Can’t Do, Wednesday One-Liner

English teacher: Alright class, let us come together and share our lists of literary terms. (pause) Just so we’re clear, "Lolcat" is not a literary term.

–Stuyvesant High School

Math teacher: Does everyone get why I can just get rid of the 8 in this equation? Because I’m just looking for an answer. (takes a deep sigh) …Aren’t we all?

–Hunter College High School

Math teacher: We might start this unit tomorrow–maybe not. Depends on how my jury duty goes. I just need to keep convincing them that I have no faith in the criminal justice system.

–Hunter College High School

Teacher: No excuses, we do not climb the walls!

–PS 234

Overheard by: sjhaughty

English teacher: It was the year after they invented college and I was in college…

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Julie

English teacher: I love going to the supermarket because I love scaring little kids. I’ll be like: "Hellooo little boy," and he’ll run away screaming. Ah, I love shopping.

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Julie

Wednesday One-Liners Will Bust a Cap in Your Ass

Shy sounding suit: You know how you get your fingerprints off the gun? You pee on it, the prints wipe right off. Most people don’t know that.

–3 Train

Overheard by: Two Fingaz

Dude: You’re starting to sound like that guy with the gun on your dad’s video.

–Inwood

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Latina teenager to friend: I don’t know why we can’t be having duels anymore. Enough fighting! Just be, like: "Let’s have a duel!" and then go out and shoot each other!

–Rush Hour, L Train

Man on cell (waving his hand around in the shape of a gun): I’ve got a gun in my hand! Oh crap, I mean not a real one. I shouldn’t have said that out loud.

–32nd & 6th

Overheard by: sromeo

Self-important white girl: So then my friends started talking about the shooting up here, and I was like: "Screw you all, you didn’t even call up to find out if I was dead."

–126th & Lenox

Preaching hobo: This year they raise your rent. And the year after. Soon you have to shoot them. You know this.

–34th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Rent Controlled

Man: I understand remembering things differently. I just don’t understand how one could confuse being shot at with not being shot at.

–6th Ave & 3rd St, Park Slope

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