Advice

Tonight's Movie: How to Succeed in Business Without Really Fuckin' Tryin'

Thugged-out black mailroom-type guy: So, you know Liz on the 10th floor?
Thugged-out white mailroom-type guy: Yeah, what about her?
Thugged-out black mailroom-type guy: I was trying to tell her that she needs to stop fuckin with me.
Thugged-out white mailroom-type guy: Yeah, what'd she say?
Thugged-out black mailroom-type guy: Bitch hung up in my face.
Thugged-out white mailroom-type guy: Yeah?
Thugged-out black mailroom-type guy: Yeah. I called her back.
Thugged-out white mailroom-type guy: Yeah, what'd you say?
Thugged-out black mailroom-type guy: I said, “Yo, Liz! That was like maaaad unprofessional and shit.”

–1 Train

Overheard by: MissUNYC

Or, If You're Really Lazy, Wet Seal.

Man to girls in Armani store holding H&M bags: You like this stuff, girls?
Girls: Yes! It's fantastic.
Man: Well, stay in school, or you'll be shopping at H&M forever.

–Manhattan

The Cheeky Fuckhole Of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy outside NY Life building: You have to entrance a man with your pussy… or your voice.

–26th & Madison Ave

Overheard by: Seeking Dating Advice

Ghetto guy to date: I eat pussy for 40 minutes!

–The Frying Pan

Overheard by: Aly

Irate woman on cell: I ain't a size two anymore! This shit be hurtin my ass, and my vah-jay-jay!

–6th Ave & 38th St

Girl to another: If you were a stranger, I'd punch you in the vagina.

–D Train

Father to teenage son: There will be plenty more pussy to come, you just need to get your swagger back.

–Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Mister Pants

…So I'd Rather Not Have My Rug Peeking Out.

Guy to friend trying on shirt: Open another button, man.
Friend trying on shirt: Nah, man, I'm not a Persian…

–Store, SoHo

Overheard by: a Persian

Isn't That the Heroin Holiday?

Guy to friend: you should come by tomorrow, I'm having a house party, there's going to be weed and meth.
Friend: You shouldn't do meth, it's messed up.
Guy: Yeah, but it's Thanksgiving.

–Bar None, The Village

Overheard by: Seth

Funding Healthcare Reform May Be Easier Than We Think

Bag lady to man eating veggie burger: Yo! You eat that shit, it gonna go through yo body an' come out yo asshole!
Man eating: Thank you, miss. I'll be careful.
Bag lady: Got a quarter?

–89th St & Amsterdam

What a Terrible Way to Talk to Your Parents

Suit on cell, leaving voicemail: Hi, June*, it's Tom*. I'm calling because I heard that you've been sleeping with Bill*. I just wanted to warn you to be careful, Bill* doesn't tell people that he has genital herpes. Definitely call me back if you're worried, okay?
(suit hangs up, phone rings moments later)
Suit on cell, answering: Bill*, dude! I heard you've been banging June*!

–Lobby, Midtown

Overheard by: Thankfully not sleeping with Jane

…Where the Dead Look Is in Style.

Guy to girl with short skirt in freezing cold: Girl, you gonna catch your death.
Girl with short skirt: I'm in LA, bitch!

–Carmine & Bedford

Overheard by: MikeRoss

Wednesday One-Liners: a Space Odyssey

30-something suit on cell: We live in an infinite universe. That means there are infinite possibilities. You are insignificant compared to the size of the universe. You mean absolutely fuck-all nothing, so get off your high horse and do what you're told.

–40th St & Madison Ave

Overheard by: Megan

Guy on cell: Dude, so how much more time do you have in Russia before you go into space?

–Ave A & 8th St

Overheard by: Daniella

Guy on cell: The subways are like the planets. Generally they're in their orbit, but you never know. (pause) Really? C'mon, Mars!

–Uptown C Train

Overheard by: furf

Three-year-old boy to adult family friend: I love you to outter space! Outter space goes upupupupup!

–West Village

Crazy man straddling bike: Goddamn! I can't believe I missed the last rocket ship to the moon! (in high-pitch voice) It's okay, man! There's another one in five minutes!
(back in normal voice) Okay, man, that's cool. Roger that.

–1st Ave & 1 St

Sales associate: They worked with NASA scientists. This is what the moon actually smells like.

–Home Fragrance Department, Bergdorf Goodman

Overheard by: Heather H.

When Your Editors Have Nightmares

Ditzy girl #1: I have to go, I kind of don't have time to get Pinkberry right now.
Ditzy girl #2: Come on! We're almost at the front of the line, it'll be like five more minutes.
Ditzy girl #1: I'm like an hour late for work!
Ditzy girl #2: Chill out, it's your first day, it's not like you have a record of being late!

–Pinkberry , 112th & Broadway

Overheard by: That's one more job out there for me!

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