Bag ladies

Old bag lady: What about you, playboy? You got any money for me?
Man: No, sorry.
Old bag lady: You sure? I can take care of your sausage. Arrangements can be made.
(she walks away)
Man, contemplative, to self: Do I really look that desperate?

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Guy to begging bag lady: Somebody stinks!
Begging bag lady, over her shoulder: Somebody could lose some weight!

–Uptown C Train

Homeless Woman: Psst. Psst. You da managa?
McDonald's Employee: Yes.
Homeless Woman: I could get a application?
McDonald's Employee: Come back tomorrow.


Overheard by: Jamie

Homeless woman on train walking around with a tip cup after playing the guitar: Please spare some change. Somebody. Anybody!
30-something Guido, pulling out a $20: Do you have change?

–7 Train

Overheard by: Maria

Woman on cell: Shut up! Shut up! I'm going to punch you in the face! I love you.

–A Bus

Spanish chick: Two things can't happen tonight. One, I can't get in a fight tonight. Two, I can't see nobody I don't like.

–5th Ave & 11th St, Park Slope

Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson

Homeless, burnt-out surfer lady: Then I looked up, and this cunt is about to hit me like a man!

–139th & Broadway

Overheard by: Jesse Cromer

Guy to girl: The next time your parents chuckle at my misfortunes, I'm gonna kick 'em in the nuts. I'm gonna kill 'em!

–20th St & 5th Ave, Brooklyn

Jamaican conductor over PA: Don't move between cars while the train is in motion. I don't want to have to knock you the fuck out.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Got Knocked Out

Crazy hobo outside strip club: Good morning! (girl ignores him) I said "Good morning!" (girl keeps walking, not looking at him) Fine! I take it back!

–Broadway & 53rd St

Overheard by: JoBell

Bag lady to tourists: Hey, people! Welcome to New York City! Can you buy me a hot dog?

–Wall Street

Hobo: Hey! Can I borrow fifty million dollars for the weekend?!

–14th St

Hobo on train: Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please! My name is Al, but you can caaaaaaaaalllllll me…homeless.

–L Train

Homeless guy: Hi everyone, my name is Eddie. Some people call me Homeless Ed, or Homeless for short. I know some of you hate homeless people. I didn't use to be homeless. I had a house, a job, and even a girlfriend. And my girlfriend had a girlfriend, so here I am.

–Uptown F Train

Lispy overweight hobo: Hey, sweetie! If I do some scenes from Days of Our Lives, will you help me out with two dollars?

–W 8th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Emily B.

Male kickballer: You know, I always like waking up with two testicles!

–Queensboro Oval, 59th & York

Overheard by: Me too

Bag lady outside of a shelter to another: Men think all they got to do is show us their dick and balls and we gonna be mesmerized.

–30th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Beef Cheeks

Gay guy: Yeah, I stopped watching that game after he started dressing up like a woman and kicking photographers in the balls.

–Park Ave & 20th St

Overheard by: fey

High school girl wrapping arms around other girl's shoulders: Suck my balls.

–60th b/w Broadway & Columbus

Overheard by: Krisztina

MTA employee high-fiving another: That's why I always wear my uniform to court. I ain't no thug; I ain't no criminal; I work for the City of New York!

–127th & Lenox

Female suit to friend: Welcome to New York. Have a good day somewhere else.

–Washington Square South

Overheard by: Hey, I like New York.

Crazy bag lady to parents of babbling toddler: Shut your fucking kid up! If you want PC, this isn't the fucking place!

–AirTrain to Jamaica

Barista: I keep forgetting that "New York" doesn't equal "World."

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Chris K.

Girl on cell: A blood draw, a pelvic exam, and a shot in the ass all on the same day… Yeah, well, it is New York.

–Lafayette & Franklin

Crazy bag lady in Burger King crown: Oh look, you broke your shoe, and you're pregnant.
Hugely pregnant woman: Yes.
Crazy bag lady in Burger King crown: Well bitch, just go to the ATM, get $20, and get a new pair of shoes. White folks got all the money.
Hugely pregnant woman: (silence)
Crazy bag lady in Burger King crown: You know what? God broke your shoe. He broke it cause you hate black people.
Hugely pregnant woman: Umm, this is my stop.

–2 Train

Overheard by: courtney

Girl on cell passing by: That sounds great, honey, but there is no possible reason you'd need to shove an entire lime in the garbage disposal.

–Lafayette & Houston

(tourist lady eats banana)
Ferry bag lady: Why are you eating that banana? You know it's not healthy for you. They say you need potassium but you don't need no potassium. You don't want no banana, it's nasty and mushy. Throw it out. Throw out that banana. You don't want no nasty mushy banana.
(bug-eyed tourist lady continues to eat banana)

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Five-year-old girl, sitting in the grocery cart next to her twin sister, as their mother pushes them around the store: You're squishing me like a pineapple! You're squishing me like a pineapple, I said!

–9th St Market

Overheard by: Elle Woods (Chelsea Huckabay)

Old man with Boston accent to prepubescent boy: Squirt that in your nose and it's like you have a blueberry bush.

–42nd & 5th

Overheard by: Anniemal

20-year-old bakery chick: I was in Brooklyn yesterday on 18th Ave. There were three Mexicans on bikes. One was dressed like a banana. So then I walked up to him and I was like: "Dude, you're dressed like a banana and you're on a bike, that's awesome. Can I take a picture of you?"

–Bakery, Staten Island

Overheard by: Traci Cuccurullo

Loud girl: I never wash my fruit! I eat things that have fallen on the floor! And that's why I don't have allergies!

–375 Hudson St.

Overheard by: Harriet Vane