Paris Hilton: “That's Wednesday One-Liner.”

Boy: If my hand was botoxed, could I hold hot things without getting hurt?

–K-Mart, Astor Place

Drunk douchebag: If I was a gay guy, I totally wouldn't cheat on my girlfriend, unless it was with a hot chick.

–Morningside Heights

Overheard by: Ladle

Guy to another, as smoking hot woman walks by: She's so hot I'd eat the corn out of her poop!

–42nd & Broadway

Guy to dinner date: I hate it when people tag me on Facebook. It's like, I'm in sweat pants! I'm a mess! I just ran three miles, leave me alone… You're gonna tag that?! Like "tap that." You're gonna "tag that"? (pause) What do you think about the waitress, pretty hot huh?

–Diner, Washington Heights

Overheard by: April Marks

Posted on April 28, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Botox, Boys, Clothing, Drunks, Facebook, Fitness, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Health and Hygiene, Infidelity, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, One-liners, Physical appearance, Poop, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sexuality, Store, Union Square and East Village, Washington Heights and Inwood, Wednesday One-Liners

What Lubriderm Commercials Are Like in the Netherlands

Old black man: Do you know why my hands are so soft?
White girl: No… Why?
Old black man: Because I'm a pimp, and pimps always have soft hands.

–2 Train

Posted on April 27, 2010
Black People, Body Parts, Jobs & Careers, Old People, On the Subway, Prostitution, White People

Quiet, Mr. President.

Guy: My butt is itchy!

–7 Train

Posted on April 22, 2010
Body Parts, Guys, Health and Hygiene, On the Subway

Dad's Never Forgiven Ariel for Shooting Him Down

Father: And the ending of the story…
Little girl: I don't like this story!
Father: Don't you want to know how the story ends?
Little girl: No! I don't like it!
Father: And the ending of the story is: the mermaid's brain just kept exploding forever and ever and ever. The end.

–Indian Road Cafe, 218th St

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Posted on April 22, 2010
Body Parts, Dads, Gripes, Kids, Parents, Restaurants & Cafes, Washington Heights and Inwood, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Don't Give a Cluck

Extremely tall black woman watching video excerpt of porn star Marilyn Chambers "self pleasuring": Huh, looks like she's cleaning out a chicken.

–Museum of Sex, 5th Ave

Very round and fat short woman on cell: Next time ya come down to Astoria bring me some ribs! (girlishly) Bring me some chicken or some ribs. (pause) Wellll, bring some tomorra! (pause) I'll be lickin' my fingas at 4:30 in the mornin'!

–N Train

Overheard by: I want some ribs too

Suit on cell: So, the chicken comes out of its cage, and then it picks your fortune!

–Baxter St & Walker St

Overheard by: Kristin

High school girl: I'm sorry, but I was really high, and the chicken was just sitting there in the fridge. I mean, would you think someone's a bad person who kills someone when they're drunk? (pause) Let's pretend I didn't say that.

–86 St

Lady on cell: They eat the same thing all the time. Every single day it's curried chicken, white rice, curried chicken, white rice. I just want a damn sushi burger!

–Downtown F Train

Gay guy dressed in black with painted red hair: So fuck it. I'm gonna make a fetish costume for a chicken!

–11st St & 3rd Ave

Posted on April 21, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Birds, Black People, Body Parts, Cleanliness, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Drinking & Drunk People, Drugs, Ethnic Food, Fat People, Insults, Junk Food & Fast Food, Masturbation, Murder, Museums, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Porn, Queer guys, Street, Students, Suits, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Brooklyn: Encapsulated.

Kid in car, screaming at top of his lungs in parked car: Just a small town girl living in a lonely world she took…
From random window: If she doesn't shut the fuck up she'll take a midnight train to my foot up her ass!

–Brooklyn

Posted on April 20, 2010
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, Ass, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Comebacks, Kids, Punch, Singing, Threats

Otherwise Known As a “Tree”?

Drunk girl in green #1: I'm not shit-faced.
Drunk girl in green #2: No? Then what are you?
Drunk girl in green #1: Oh! A green truck!

–Park Ave & 34th St

Overheard by: I saw it too.

Posted on April 11, 2010
Body Parts, Colors, Drunks, Girls, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Physical appearance, Questions

Here's Barbra Streisand to Explain

Girl #1: Can you hear music up your nose?
Girl #2: That is the most amazing thing you have ever said.

–Bard High School

Overheard by: Sunny

Posted on April 11, 2010
Body Parts, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Fast Times at New York High, Girls, Questions

Wednesday One-Liners' Cocktail Hour Started Back in the Eighties

Cop to another: Are you drunk yet?

–Corner of 145th St

Frustrated-sounding NYU student to friend: Well, why don't you get a girl and you can just pretend she's drunk?

–Washington Square

Future rabbi: So my philosophy professor, Lenny Kravitz, told us we'll be drinking scotch in class tomorrow…

–4th & Broadway

Drunk black guy arguing on phone: Man, you need to stop drinkin'. Not only is yo speech gettin' slurred, but yo brains is gettin' slurred too!

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Ashley

Dude to friend: I swear to god, every time he gets a little buzzed he thinks he's Austin Powers.

–40th & 7th

Overheard by: thivnav

Posted on April 7, 2010
About Celebrities, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Body Parts, Cops, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Education, Friends, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Jews, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movies, Music, Names, One-liners, Parks, Philosophy, Questions, Relationships, School and studying, Street, Students, Stupidity, The Village, Trains Not Subway, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners

Mommy, Where Do Wednesday One-Liners Come From?

Woman on cell, sitting at counter: The baby's not out yet…as in "it's still inside her."

–McDonald's, Varick Street

Overheard by: Jordan

College student: It's like taking candy from a baby…only, ya know, I'd ask the mother first.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Dara

Dork walking by Babies "R" Us with friends: Dude, look! I totally wanna buy a baby!

–Union Square South

Guy on cell: That shop smells like babies!

–Union Square

Drunk man in Santa hat to all train passengers: I know all you ladies want to have babies for Christmas, but there's no time for it! Close your legs, there'll be less heads.

–L Train

Overheard by: Handley Elizabeth

Posted on April 7, 2010
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Body Parts, Celebrations/Parties, Compare/Contrast, Dorks, Geeks and Nerds, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, For Sale, Guys, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Passengers, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Restaurants & Cafes, Shopping, Students, Thievery, Trains Not Subway, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Body Parts