Wednesday One-liners Read in Union Square

Stoner: We’re on the verge of a spiritual revolution. It’s like Fight Club…but without the violence.

–Union Square

Overheard by: braun bowery

Guy: The fact that bar was full of ugly girls is just ridiculous.

–Union Square

Crazy lady: Fine, stay where you are, Linda! Stay on the streets, stay in the gutter…but put all your stuff away!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jen

Woman: If I die of malaria, you can have my DVD player.

–Union Square

Lady on cell: …so what’s the difference between the East Village and the West Village?

–Union Square

Overheard by: feitclub

Guy on cell: I didn’t throw the lamp at you because I was out of control, I threw the lamp at you because you said I was out of control.

–Union Square

Overheard by: John

Guy: Dude! At least you’re getting head. Bad head is better than no head, any day of the week!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Joy Smoker

Posted on December 14, 2018
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Death, Psychology, Stupidity, Union Square and East Village, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Because Voodoo Works

Guy: Hey, is this the train that stops at that museum?
Girl: Which museum? The art museum?
Guy: No, the other one with all the bones and dead animals.
Girl: Ew. Why would you wanna go someplace like that?

–C train

Posted on December 9, 2018
Animals & Nature, Arts & Letters, Death, More museums, On the Subway, Stupidity

Wednesday-One-Liners Prep for Their Roles in Mean Girls II

Woman on cell: I feel bad about ripping the kid off, but…

–Fort Greene Park

Overheard by: Zoe

Suit: Well, apparently I’m part psychic and part asshole.

–Union Square

Overheard by: quite the combo

Blue collar guy: I stopped giving to panhandlers 10 years ago. This guy hit me up every day at my stop and one day I gave him a sandwich and some cigarettes. I watched him and he threw the sandwich away. I went over to him and worked him over pretty bad. I dumped the trash can and took out the sandwich and then took the cigarettes away from him. Then I knocked him down again and took all the money out of his pockets. I was really mad when he threw that sandwich away. Now I never give anything to those guys.
Suit: Yep…

–1 train, Houston St

Overheard by: Amused Minnesotan

Woman on cell: You see, this is why you just can’t be nice to people. I was nice to her once, once! And now she thinks we’re friends. Like I need this!

–Bus stop near Radio City Music Hall

Yuppie on cell: I don’t give a fuck about them. As long as I’m on their will, I don’t really give a shit.

–34th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Gunita

Girl: So my grandma died last week and it sucked so bad, I had to drive all the way to Hartford on Saturday and I totally missed the huge sale at H&M.

–Statue of Liberty

Overheard by: SuziQ

Posted on November 6, 2018
All Wednesday One-Liners, Always Bringing it Back to You!, Assholes, Blue-collar workers, Death, Money & Class, On Cell, Suits, Wednesday One-Liners, Yuppies

If Wednesday One-Liners Did It

Woman on cell: Are you really surprised that Marcus turned out to be a serial killer?

–Times Square

Overheard by: shex

College dude on cell: No, the entire male species is going to die, remember?

–Times Square

Overheard by: glad i’m a girl.

Aviator-wearing rocker wannabe: Dude, seriously, think about it. Why aren’t there more serial killers?!

–Union Square West at 16th St

Guy: You know, I pray for the days when I find bodies…

–Lorimer St & Metropolitan Ave

Columbia newspaper reporter: Dude, you can’t just kill one person and be a serial killer. You have to work up to being a serial killer.

–Columbia Spectator Office

Overheard by: And you know from experience?

Cashier to friend: Yeah, there’s this couple that comes in every week and rents serial killer movies.

–Brooklyn Video Rental Store

Overheard by: tiff

Conductor: Thank you for riding MTA, and remember to smile. You’ll confuse the people who want to kill you!

–L train

Overheard by: Paige

Posted on September 12, 2018
All Wednesday One-Liners, Death, Gender issues, Movies, Murder, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

All You Need Is a Really Good Ventriloquist

Caller: Do you have Pavarotti tickets for 2008?
Customer relations rep: Um… No. You do know he passed away, right?
Caller: Yes, but he’s on the program for 2008.

–New York Philharmonic

Posted on August 11, 2018
9 to 5-ers, About Celebrities, Customers, Death, Default, Music, Questions, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness

Inconsiderate Asshole! At Least I Got the Rest of His Morphine.

Nurse: I once had a patient die on me. That shit stressed me out!

–E 16th St

Overheard by: wendy chin

Posted on July 31, 2018
Death, Nurses, The Village

The Day Mombolu Changed Professions

Talkative hobo, seeing woman holding papers about Africa: What's up in Africa? You don't look African.
Dignified woman: I used to work in Angola.
Talkative hobo: That's the best kind of job to have, where they pay to send you all over the world. Damn, I bet it costs $2000 to fly to Angola if you were paying for it out of your own pocket.
Dignified woman: Actually, it costs more than that. It's about $4000 to fly to Angola and back from here.
Talkative hobo: Holy shit! $4000 to fly to Angola and back? Do you know how much weed I could buy for $4000? I could sit my ass in the park all day and smoke myself to death! Damn!

–1 Train

Posted on July 12, 2018
Death, Hobos, Jobs & Careers, Money & Class, On the Subway, Passengers, Physical appearance, Questions, Strangers, Travel, Weed, Women

Wednesday Go-Down-On-Liners

Wholesome-looking man, walking with several families with kids and carrying a cross: Jesus Christ died for our sins today so that we can all give blowjobs whenever we want!

–Union Square

Girl with food: Do you think I'll get on the JumboTron if I deep throat this pickle?

–MSG: Rangers – Caps Playoff Game

40-something, during high school reunion: How dare you tell my husband I gave you a blowjob? I was a virgin in high school!

–Outside Jake's Dillemma

Women on cell: I told him, if he didn't start shampooing his pubes I would stop blowing him!

–14th St & 9th Ave

Middle-aged Romanian: I heard he gives better BJs than Santa Claus!

–Astoria

Overheard by: Crazy Romanians

Posted on June 12, 2018
All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Balls, Bars & Clubs, BJs, Cleanliness, Compare/Contrast, Death, Families, Food, Foreigners, Girls, Jesus, Madison Square Garden, Marriage, Men, On Cell, Penis, Questions, Rumor Has It, School and studying, The Village, Threats, TV, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Virginity, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Six Wednesday One-Liners Under

Girl on phone: Did he actually try to kill you, or is this like the time at the supermarket when you thought the cashier was coming onto you because he touched your hand giving you change?

–Time Square

HR person: I don't want to whack her until I have to. But I probably will.

–Broadway

Little boy to mom: Mommy, what does it feel like to die?

–7th & Carroll, Park Slope

Well-dressed man on cell: I know, we need to make sure that none of them live.

–8th St & Broadway

Seven-year-old girl to mom, after being scolded: I'm going to kill you.

–4 Train

Long Island woman: Well, sure, it's a great place if you want to be raped and murdered every day.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Cori

Posted on May 23, 2018
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Clerks, Death, Girls, Kids, Men, Moms, Money & Class, Murder, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Paranoia, Parents, Park Slope, Punch, Questions, Rape, Sensory Experiences, Should've Used a Condom, Street, The Village, Threats, Times Square, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

The Ayn Rand Preschool May Have Been a Mistake

Child: Mommy! Mommy! [Pointing at track worker] Look, that man is going to kill himself.
Mom: No, honey, he is just fixing the tracks so we don’t crash with another train.
Child: So that means he is saving our lives by risking his. What a dumbass!

–7 train

Overheard by: Feziie Fez

Posted on May 17, 2018
Death, Insults, Kids, Moms, On the Subway

Death