Friends

Tourist: I read about this place in that New York book I got from the library.
Guy in line: Did it also tell you that when it's a full moon everything is half off?
Tourist to friend: Dude! We should just both get the large, then.
Friend: I love this town and its little quirks like this.

–Gray's Papaya

Blonde: Fine, whatever, then I’ll just paint a picture of your family so we never need to fucking talk about this again.
Brunette: You just don’t get it!

–The Met

Girl on cell: So I told her I didn’t think George Washington was a cannibal.

–Barnes & Noble, Staten Island

Overheard by: Marina Tricorico

Asian girl to friend: You know, if he really likes you, he’d eat you.

–Coles Sports Center

Overheard by: Alice Huang

Hysterical woman screaming at cops: She bit me! I did not touch her!

–84th & Broadway

Overheard by: rachel

Dude: Remember that crazy condo lady? She totally ate my ass on the first date.

–Chelsea

20-something guy on cell: have you ever tasted pee before?! Word?!

–Spring & W Broadway

Three-year-old girl: Daddy, I’m eating your eyeballs!

–R Train

Overheard by: Jon A.

Female tourist: Oh, look! American Apparel!
Friend: Is that the only one?

–5th & 19th

Overheard by: nate

Teen girl: Have you ever wondered why there are no, like, sexy midgets?
Friend: No, but sometimes I wonder if you are slightly retarded.
Headline by: DomCar

Runners-Up:
· “And somewhere, at that moment, a tiny discrimination lawsuit was being filed” – Marc
· “Awwww! Thanks! You said slightly!” – Emily
· “Being sexy isn’t necessary when your face if even with most people’s crotches” – theVixenNicole
· “Both problems are an unfortunate result of genetics.” – Aaron Stephenson
· “But, like, sexily so?” – Tom Dorey
· “By the end of the yellow brick road, the Tin Man was hungry, tired, and BIT-CHY!” – Alissa
· “Comebacks for when you are secretly in love with a midget.” – John
· “Happily, I Have a Fetish for Both” – anthony fiore
· “It’s Sexy Because It’s Like Having Sex With Kids, But They’re Legal!” – Bored Beyond Belief
· “She’s obviously never seen Wizard of Oz, that is ALL sex appeal” – Kevo
· “Thank God your mom pays me to hang out with you” – tiddlywinks
· “The Sexy Midget Union, recognizing retardation as a handicap, will not sue.” – Extra Character
· “The ‘My secret is: I’m marrying a dwarf’ deodorant ad — first take” – Amanda
· “There Are Sexy Midgets, You Probably Just Overlooked Them!” – Hobo Whisperer
· “They Prefer the Term “Erotically Challenged Little People”” – Shepcat
· “Yellow fever: Love of Asians. Smallpox: Love of midgets. Down Syndrome: That girl.” – erak
· “Yes, but I look good in a teddy AND can reach the top shelf” – Villelen
· “You Don’t Need to Be So Short With Me” – Matthew K Johnson

Honorable mentions:
· “But can slightly retarded be sexy?” – Virginia Wood
· “If she were fully retarded, she’d be banging all the unsexy midgets.” – AJ
· “So all those internet porn sites are wrong?” – Graz
· “The Sexy Ones Wouldn’t Want to Sleep with you Anyway” – Ian
· “The new MMILF: Mental Midgets I’d Like to F***” – Peter Parker

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Ghetto chick to friend: Remember when you took that chinchilla from me, back in the day?

–Q Train

Overheard by: Chloe

Grungy dude on cell: So I jumped on my horse and got the fuck outta there.

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: bildita

Guy: …and those Egyptians had crocodiles. Those crocodiles that shoot lasers out of their eyes.

–Metropolitian Musuem of Art

Overheard by: Bonkers in Yonkers

Hipster chick: Deer antlers. Everywhere I go, all I see are deer antlers. I’m getting sick of it.

–14th St & 1st Av

Overheard by: Larry

Thug: I’m like super pimp. I pimp men and women… And cats and dogs. Shit, I got the whole animal kingdom.

–10th & Broadway

Composed chick on cell: He’s a giraffe, and I’m a leopard, and I’m never gonna be a giraffe. I’ve tried and tried, but my destiny is as a leopard, you see? I can fake being a giraffe for awhile, but eventually I’m gonna have to rip his throat out and feed on his entrails. It’s in my nature. The only alternative is divorce.

–Billiard Hall, Elizabeth & Bowery

Guy: I want to put a flat screen in my bathroom.
Girl: Interesting…
Guy: Maybe I would actually take baths if I had something else to watch other than my penis floating.

–Houston & Norfolk

Overheard by: David Byrne

Conductor: Vomiting is prohibited on this train. Please, no vomiting on this train.

–LIRR

Conductor: There are only three reasons for an empty train car. A) it smells. B) it's hot. C) someone threw up.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Laura

Gay NYU student: I've already been through the cycle. Eat, vom, feel better about life.

–Tisch Hall, NYU

Conductor: There will be no vomiting on this train. Repeat. There will be no vomiting on this train. (short pause) If you have to vomit, vomit on yourself.

–LIRR, Drunk Train

Overheard by: Jason

Girl to two guy friends: Last night I was traveling back on the train, and there was, like, an airsick bag in the thing and I got a craving for Gardetto's, because the last time we were traveling… (becomes inaudible)

–Atlantic & Bond, Boerum Hill

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Boyfriend to wasted girlfriend: Baby, I swear. This is the best place in New York to throw up. (girlfriend pukes)

–MacDougal St, The Village

Overheard by: Reid Rogers

Eight-year-old girl, singing: Fat lips, big lips, get your pregnant lips here!

–6 Train

Out-of-breath man on steps: Okay, man, breathe. Breathe like you're having your first child!

–W4 Subway

Overheard by: Keep Pushing On!

Pregnant woman on cell: So, yeah, I'm about 5 centimeters dilated, so I'm going to get a Tasti D-Lite and then go to the hospital.

–Rockefeller Center

Hot skinny, Asian girl to hot, skinny, blonde friends: So, am I going to get pregnant this month or what?

–57th & Park

Overheard by: would have liked to help her

Girl on phone: Okay, so I got the pregnancy test and the vodka. We'll see which one wins.

–6 Train

Dude: Did you see that homeless guy’s sign? It said he wanted money for a hooker.
Chick: Really?
Dude: Yeah… Do you think a hooker has to sleep with a homeless guy if he has the money?
Chick: I don’t know…
Dude: Well, I guess if her pimp tells her she has to then she has to.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Eric