Conjoined, Bearded Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on phone: You know her, red hair, goes to a lot of shows… Her lip is kind of, y'know, stuck to her nose a bit on the one side.

–Union Square

Promoter to older man passing by: Excuse me, sir, you dropped your clitoris.

–St.Mark's Place

Suit: And his head was askew…

–79th St & Central Park West

Overheard by: Ladle

Suit on cell: The woman's toenails were three inches long.

–The Village

Guy to another: I knew a guy with a tail–an extended tailbone. It was thiiiis (shows) long!

–8th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Rick

50-something New Yorker: He was Barbara Streisand's cousin! And he stretched my urethra. It was great! Well, not at the time. But now it's great!

–Broadway & 59th St

Overheard by: Nikki

Posted on December 27, 2014
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Family Ties, Girls, Guys, Hair, Height, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Physical appearance, Private Parts, Street, Stupidity, Suits, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

But It Was a Condition of Going on Elimidate

Young guy: Well, I called her a ho, but I didn't mean it.
Young girl: But she was your date!

–14th St & 7th Ave

Posted on December 26, 2014
Dating, Default, Girls, Guys, Insults, Weirdness, West Village, Words

Where God Would Live If He Had Money

Conspicuously buffed guy #1: Yeah, we could all be roommates!
Conspicuously buffed guy #2: Yeah!
Super hip woman, pushing expensive stroller: Yeah! (to baby in stroller) Can you say loft? Loft?

–W Broadway

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Posted on December 25, 2014
Babies, Guys, Home, Sweet Home, Questions, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness, Women, Words

Spoken Like Someone Who’s Never Shopped at H&M

Teen girl: She said money don’t grow on trees but yeah it do. Money made of paper, paper made from trees.
20-something-guy: Actually, US currency is printed on cotton.
Teen boy: Cotton?
20-something-guy: Yeah, they use denim, like jeans.
Teen girl: My jeans don’t be rippin like money, they using some low grade shit.

–Staten Island Mall Bus Stop

Overheard by: ryn

Posted on December 24, 2014
Animals & Nature, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Default, Girls, Guys, Malls, Money & Class, On the Bus, Questions, Staten Island, Teens

Pot Brownies: Now with Real Pots!

Girl: Did you bring me my brownie mix?
Guy: No; where’s that dude you were with the other night, anyway?
Girl: Who cares? He couldn’t deliver the steel.

–Prince & Elizabeth

Posted on December 24, 2014
Food, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Lower East Side, Questions

Worst. Timecop Sequel. Ever.

Customer: My MetroCard isn't working.
Booth agent: Is it expired?
Customer: No, it's good until the end of the year.
Booth agent, looking at card: You're right, let me check it. (swipes card) Oh, you can't use it today because you already used it tomorrow.
Customer, looking confused: Oh-kaaay…
Booth agent: I will buzz you through today, but see your office administrator about this.

–86th & Lexington

Posted on December 24, 2014
Customers, Guys, Public Transportation, Questions, Time, Upper East Side

All Of Me Except My Maverick Vagina

Drunk guy: You were mingling…and stuff!
Drunk girl: Nah, baby. I was mingling with you.

–11th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: HALLOWEEN

Posted on December 23, 2014
Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Girls, Guys, Sex, Union Square and East Village

. . . and the Wedding Is on Saturday

Dartmouth boy: This girl I used to work with wore too much eyeliner — She was from the Midwest, she has a smile only a horse could love, skips around with lots of boyfriends, threw a birthday party for her dog — you get the picture. So she’s an ugly Midwestern girl who works at Goldman Sachs in the Muni Department, it’s not even real banking…

–Union Ave & Scholes, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Columbia Girl Who Can’t Stop Laughing

Posted on December 22, 2014
Guys, Preppies, Terms of Endearment, Williamsburg, Yeaaahhh College!

Can't I Just Keep Pressing the Dell Symbol?

Blonde college student: Where is the start button?
Guy (pointing to computer CPU on floor and its start button): There you go, it's on there.
Blonde college student: That's so annoying that they put it all the way down there.

–City University of New York

Posted on December 22, 2014
College, Computer, Default, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Questions, Students, Stupidity

Go Back to Williamsburg, Wednesday One-Liner!

Hipster guy: He wants to write a book about how hipsters are all about being nihilistic and getting lung cancer from oral sex.

–Hop Scotch, Ave A

Hipster guy to girl: It’s like, you can’t take my identity. I’m a film director, that’s who I am. It’s like if I was a carpenter, I would make wood. I mean, I would make buildings… You can’t just choose to be a carpenter.

–Pepe Rosso’s, Sullivan St

Asian hipster chick: You know, when you ask someone what they’re doing and they say clearing their head? I don’t think you can really do that because when you say you’re clearing your head you are really thinking about clearing your head so it isn’t clear after all.

–A Train

Overheard by: kate

Über-hipster chick to another: Bitch! Brunch tomorrow or I’ll fucking smack that headband right off you!

–8th & Bedford, Brooklyn

Hipster girl: What floor was fluffy on?! What floor was fluffy on?!?!??!

–Hookah Bar, East Village

Overheard by: Marisa

Hipster: It was a mess. I mean, you don’t want anarchists at the socialist barbecue. Haven’t you ever read Kropotkin?

–125th St

Overheard by: Ali