Guys

Wednesday One Liners Lie about Their Size

Loud guy: I can turn my dick into a Whopper with fries!

–MacDougal Ale House

Overheard by: Ladle

Small Indian boy: Penis! Penis! [His mother scolds him in Hindi.] … Penis!

–47th & 5th

10-year-old boy to friends: … And then he drew, like, three penises! And then I had to get home in, like, three and a half seconds!

–11th & 3rd

Overheard by: Hannah

Suit to another: Jesus Christ! It’s not my fault your penis drips!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Sydney

Dude to friend: Let’s think of words that rhyme with ‘dick.’

–49th & 7th

Pre-med chick: We had this cadaver in lab that we called ‘Schlongo’ because his penis was a foot long. No, seriously, it was really a foot long!

–Bodies Exhibit

Overheard by: a.j.w.

Or Maybe Like Being an Orthodox Jewish Woman

Hipster guy #1: Dude, your hair is getting really long.
Hipster guy #2: I know! It's nice. It's like having a hat…
Hipster guy #1: (silence)
Hipster guy #2: …made of hair.

–NYU

Why Open-Bar Weddings Exist

Girl: Are you going to Natalie and Ben's wedding?
Guy: Yeah, I guess. I just hate going to weddings that I don't have faith in.

–5th & 6th

Ever Since It Didn’t Happen Yet, Things Just Haven’t Been the Same

College kid: They should put up a question on the big screen that says, ‘Who fucked up the playoffs two years in a row for us: A) Number 13, B) ARod, C) Alex Rodriguez, or D) All of the above?
Friend: … Or maybe Kevin Brown.
Man in front of them: The future ain’t what it used to be…

–Yankee Stadium

Wednesday One-Liners… The Rest Is Still Unwritten

Kid to another: Stephen king is the best autha, yo. But Danielle Steele is the best girl autha, yo.

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Joel

Teen to friend: Santa's a well-read dude, but they won't let him pee.

–5th Ave Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Dude Santa

Ghetto chick: Yeah, maybe mama will actually buy a book…one day.

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman

Guy trying to push "free literature": This book is really important. It was the book that Gandhi followed. Do you know who Gandhi is? He's like the Indian Martin Luther King.

–L Train

Man reading Richard Scarry's What Do People Do All Day?: What? Poets do not write poetry all day! They work shitty jobs in design firms and sell things to assholes from San Diego! (turns page) And writers don't write all day! They pick up laundry for Park Slope bitches!

–Children's Section, Barnes & Noble, Court Street

Overheard by: Amused Bookseller

“172 pounds? Come on, you’re full of it!”

Gym Guy #1: Just weighed myself.
Gym Guy #2: Oh, yeah?
Gym Guy #1: 172 pounds after a shit.

–Wall Street NYSC

Overheard by: Bailey Wier

Stop Using Sex as a Weapon

Hipster guy: Wax makes my hair too sticky, I like the mud better.
Hipster girl: I can’t believe we have sex.

–Mott & Spring

Girl: “Feeling sick? Sex can help–”
Professor lady: You haven’t had any lately, have you?

–Pace University

Guy #1: With fiction books, if someone tells you the ending, it’s like there’s no point to them. But with non-fiction, you can know exactly what’s going to happen and they’re still a joy to read.
Guy #2: Man, you really should try getting laid sometime. Stop bothering me.

–Clovis Press, Williamsburg

Overheard by: nalin

Good Thing Shachi's Delivers

Dude #1: How much energy could you create yourself, powering a small turbine? Like, if you jumped on a bicycle?
Dude #2: Enough to turn on a light bulb.
Dude #3: But you have to use up energy to create energy. Like, your body would use food energy. It's just not energy-efficient.

–Restaurant, Brooklyn

Ooo, or a Black Gay Woman Lesbian.

Guy: I was reading about how, this week in history, women obtained the right to vote and the “I have a dream” speech was delivered. I was thinking that a black lesbian would have to be the most disadvantaged in history.
Friend: Yeah…or even a black, woman lesbian!

–4 Train

Overheard by: Thomas

She’s Actually a Shill for the Cheetah Club

Chick: My husband and I like to go to titty bars in the city. That’s why we get on so well — he likes girls and I like girls…. So, when you hang out with your buddies do you go to titty bars?
Dude: Er, not really — maybe once we went.

–Radio City Fashion Rocks show

Overheard by: Listening in the line

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