Men

I Got Your Wednesday One-Liner– Swingin'

Skinny obnoxious blonde: Sheryl had a shirt that said "I love Wayne's dick." And I was like "Sheryl, why are you wearing that to the outback?"

–AMC Movie Theater

Girl to guy: Epic fail, you have a non-working dick.

–2nd Ave & 9th St

Guy on cell: Hello, this is sweet dick. Can I speak to tight pussy?

–West Village

Man to another: So last night, I was playing with my dick, and…

–Times Square

Overheard by: Dusty F.

Man on cell: He don't answer to "Leon" no more. He is now "Dick Dastardly."

–Union Square

Overheard by: Muttley

“…Who's the Cheapskate Who Only Gave Me One Dollar!”

Man to hobo: Hey, man, you got a dollar?
Hobo: No, man. You know I ain't got one. (pause) If I had a dollar–I'd holler!

–Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Glad he had a sense of humor

…Because, Personally, I Prefer “Failing at Life.”

Man: So how do you feel now you that you've been fired?
Woman: “Laid off.”
Man: Yeah, whatever you want to call it.

–Starbucks

…Because If We Can't Have Reparations, This Is a Nice Consolation Prize.

Woman selling cupcakes on street: 'Scuse me, you wanna buy one? Only a dollar.
Man: No, thank you.
Woman: Is it cause we black? And you white?

–Columbus Ave & 100th St

If “Who's on First?” Had Been Written by Stoners

Man #1: Who asked you?
Man #2: The executive.
Man #1: The executive?
Man #2: The executive.
Man #1: The executive of what?
Man #2: Of what?
Man #1: Yes.
Man #2: Of Batman.

–Manhattan

You Can't Handle the Wednesday One-Liner!

Girls on bench: Is US weekly magazine, like, the only one that's true?

–Central Park

Man on cell, crossing street: And I told that Jewish cunt that everything she's heard about black men is true, and I'm gonna stick my foot in her fucking mouth.

–46th St & Madison Ave

Bum conversing with Bible-toting teens: Yes, it's in the Bible… But is it true?

–Union Square

Skater boy: Most things aren't true.

–72nd St & Amsterdam

…And I'm Still Convinced That Cane Was for Style.

Man: It's just frustrating walking behind really slow people.
Woman: He was handicapped!
Man: It's still frustrating.

–21st St & Park Ave

…I Don't Have Anything to Say, Either!

Demonstrator on microphone: I used to hate homosexuals, I used to be the one who beat up homosexuals. Now that I found Jesus I love homosexuals!
Man next to him, on megaphone: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. I have a megaphone!

–Union Square

We've All Had This Conversation With a Credit Card Company

Man #1: Be reasonable, I know the money's slow but you're raping me!
Man #2: No, I'm not.
Man #1: You're raping me!

–Palmetto St, Bushwick

Wednesday One-Liners Find It Difficult to Sit Down

NYPD emergency service cop to man carrying very large hamster in a cage: Whoa, did you pull that out of someone's butt?

–50th St & 10th Ave

Overheard by: Well we're in the neighborhood for it…

30-something to friend: She has everything up her ass but a cock.

–Broadway and Waverly

Tall man to short lady behind her wearing backpack: If you shove that bag any further up my ass, it'll be coming out my mouth!

–Downtown 5 Train

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

20-something boyfriend to girlfriend: First I let you put a dildo up my ass, and then you call me a faggot!

–2nd Ave & St. Mark's

Overheard by: Joe

Gay man: Oh. My. God. What kind of friend puts eels up your ass?

–52nd St & 9th Ave

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