On the Subway

The Trainables Take Manhattan

Tourist mom: Well, the sticker there next to the door says this is the 2029 train, find that on the map–
NY guy: This is the R train, and that is a bus map.

–R train

Overheard by: Angelo Colucci

Tourist woman: So what do you call this?
Tourist guy: The subway.
Tourist woman: Oh.

–1 train

Overheard by: B. Howard

Tourist mom: So we just wait and the trains come right here?

–1/2/3 34th Street station

Overheard by: Adele

A tourist couple gets on at Times Square. It stops at 72nd next.

Tourist girl: Is this our stop?
Tourist guy: No, they said to take it two stops, we’ve only gone one.

The train continues on to stop at 96th.

Tourist girl: Wait, is this near the stop for Grand Central Station?

–2 train

The train car had no air conditioning so the door between cars was kept open to let in a breeze. A lady steps on the train, stands near the opened door, and then closes it.

Seated lady: We need the air!
Standing lady: It’s not safe.
Seated lady: It’s too hot in here. We kept it open to get some air.
Standing lady: But it’s not safe. I could get sucked out the door.

–2 train

Overheard by: Ebonita

Conversely, the Constitution Has Become Highly Devalued

Geek #1: Yeah, like all of his swords are national treasures!
Geek #2: Whoa.
Geek #1: Yeah, in Japan, they’re like in museums and stuff.
Geek #2: Can you buy them?
Geek #1: National treasures! That would be like buying the Declaration of Independence!

–F train

She’s Just Marking Time Until Bettie Page

Teen girl: I wonder what Marilyn Monroe does in her spare time.
Teen guy: Lie in her coffin?

–2 train

Tip of the Day: A Virus is Not Bacteria

Hipster girl: Baby what’s that smell? Is that your feet?
Hipster boy: What? I don’t know, probably.
Hipster girl: Oh my god. The smell, I can’t take it.
Hipster boy: It doesn’t smell as bad as the old cooter did the other night when we were screwing. You didn’t hear me say anything when you shoved my face into that crockpot of bacteria.

–F train

Overheard by: Gracelyn

Don’t Feel Bad for Santos’ Little Helper

Guy: I’m doing a house in the Hamptons, but I only know one person, this one girl. So I get an e-mail to meet everyone for drinks on Thursday, and I look at the names and it’s girl girl girl, girl girl, Santos, girl girl girl…and I’m like, “OK, am I the only guy in this house?”. And she said there’s a couple other guys coming out for 1 or 2 weekends. So I’m like, “OK, all girls, that’s cool. Are they cute?” and she says, “Yeah, they’re all cute.” So I said, “Well, I’m not matching the first couple weeks, they’ll think I’m gay!” She said, “Yeah don’t match, they’ll think you’re gay.” So I’m not matching. Plus they’re going to see “Santos” and think I’m freakin’…card-carrying…freakin’…off the boat, just swam the…freakin’ Florida canal…from Cuba or something.

–V train

Overheard by: kt

She Was Sucking Tit at Birth

Guy: So you started drinking young?
Girl: I started drinking at 11.
Guy: Wow, really?
Girl: I was smoking at 9.

–F train

Overheard by: Vito Delsante

This Just Went from Bad Taste to Mindblowingly Bad

A boyfriend and girlfriend are making out publicly. She stares at his crotch.

Girlfriend: I think I see a suspicious package…
Boyfriend: Ooh, do you wanna detonate it?
Girlfriend: Well damn, not on the train, babe!

–2 train

We Tried That, and It Didn’t Work Out So Hot

Yuppie: If we just let them kill the Jews we wouldn’t have this problem. Then we could buy oil for $6 a barrel.

–A train

Unlimited MetroCard Means Unlimited Stalking

Teen girl: Oh, this is our stop!
Teen boy: Well, it would be if we were on the right train!
Teen girl: If you don’t like it, you can just stop following us.

–1 train

Overheard by: Rachel Rappaport

Now I’m Confused; Who’s “We”?

A guy and a girl are sitting on one side of the train, talking. Another girl is sitting across the train.

Girl #2: Stop confusing her.
Guy: We’re not confusing her, we’re making fun of you.

–R train

© 2026 OverheardinNewYork.com
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist