Conductor: If you want to go to Far Rockaway, you need to get off the train. (now in female voice) But why, conductor? (in normal voice) Cause it's the last stop you can do that. (pause) This is the train to L-L-L-L-L-L-Lefferts Blvd. Get off for Ffffffaaaaaarrrr Rockaway.
–A Train
Overheard by: Lonley Laugher
Ghetto lady, about young, drunk yuppie throwing his guts up: Daaaamn, that shit's spicy.
Ghetto man to yuppie's girlfriend: You gonna tongue-kiss that nigga now?
–D Train
Overheard by: i bet it was thai
Girl, to herself: What if my water breaks in an elevator? (laughs) Akwaaaaard!
–High School
Conductor, after announcement tone: By the way, this is not an elevator. Waving your bag in the door does absolutely nothing.
–6 Train
Overheard by: you tell 'em
Middle-aged woman, pushing "up" elevator button to another pushing "down" button: You know, I could never figure it out with elevators, do you press the button to tell the elevator to come to you, or do you press it to tell it where you want to go?
–Building, Midtown
Overheard by: Delish
Older usher at Empire State Building: Please step out of the elevator. And as Beyonce says, to the left. To the left!
–Empire State Building
Lady on cell, waiting in line: Oh really? Well, I had heard someone took a crap in a Manhattan elevator!
–Supermarket, The Bronx
Professor: Let's take a poll: who thinks I am gay?
–Lehman College
Flamboyant gay guy to butch gay guy: You, like, sneeze glitter. That's how gay you are!
–9th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: TR
Daughter to sobbing mother: Mom! Seriously, stop! I'm going to slap you. (mom continues sobbing) I'm not gay! Relax, okay?
–New Utrecht High School
Overheard by: Straight girl
Tween girl to friend: He's 17 years old and he doesn't have any kids? What? Is he gay?
–A Train
Teenage boy: Even if it's with a girl, it's still gay.
–L Train
Overheard by: Sean
Disgruntled MTA worker, to no one in particular: See? I don't like human beings all that much. I like animals, they mo' fo' real. (venomously) Y'all better be glad I'm not god.
–6 Train
30-something white guy to friends: I live in Mesopotamia, 'cause the gods are gangsta!
–W 83rd & Columbus Ave
Older MTA worker, comforting young passenger: GPS: Guidance, patience, strength. Give it over to god. Trust that motherfucker is going to handle it. Give me GPS and I can handle the rest!
–Union Square Subway Stop
Bag lady, drenched in rain: The joke's on you, god!
–9th St & University Place
20-something guy on phone: So then she tells me the reason my dad died is because god was trying to hurt me!
–Union Square
Overheard by: talker's remorse
30-something: I mean…he's a good looking guy, but then he found god.
–39th St
Woman: Why you using all that Purell?
Man: I don't want no pig AIDS.
–Q Train
Overheard by: Ben Solomon
Young boy #1: But I can't hold it in!
Young boy #2: Just wait until we get to Grand Central.
Young boy #1: I can't, though. I got therapy. I'm into hitting people.
Young boy #2: And masturbating?
Young boy #1: Oh, yeah, masturbating. A lot.
Young boy #2: Man, therapy is the place to be!
–6 Train
Overheard by: pomy
Headline by: Roseknows
Runners-Up:
· “Every Session Has a Happy Ending!” – Derek
· “If Only I Had Issues..” – Moogley
· “It’s the Best Place To, You Know, Let It All Out” – Lukas
· “Sometimes You Just Gotta Pound Something!” – Therapy
· “The Doctor Says the Final Treatment Is Something Called “Donkey Punching”” – Sodajerk
Gangsta #1: Yo, before meiosis shit's gotta do DNA replication.
Gangsta #2: What you talkin about? It just splits in fuckin half.
Gangsta #1: Nigga, you dumb.
–Downtown 4 Train
Overheard by: I Love Biology
Cop doing random bag checks to young woman rushing through station: Excuse me, ma'm…
Young woman: (glances at cop)
Cop, backing up: Oh, you're in a hurry. (turns around, woman keeps running, bag unchecked)
–F Train
Guy #1: I jack off and eat at the same time! It's easy!
Guy #2: What? How can you do that? That's gross!
Guy #1: I do it all the time! One hand on my pizza and the other on Johnny!
Guy #2: TMI!
–4 Train
Overheard by: Olee
