Questions

Then She Pepper-Sprayed Me and Ran Off with the Book

Latina girl #1: Oh my god, I was, like, so excited for Christmas, 'cause I thought my cousin was gonna get me that ill jacket I saw at the mall but he got me… (pauses for effect)
Latina girl #2: Oh my god, whaaaat?
Latina girl #1: The Twilight series!
Latina girl #2: Oh my fucking god, are you serious?
Latina girl #1: Yeah! And I was like, “papi, I need a new bookshelf for my Twilight books, you know?
Latina girl #2: Yeahhhhh.
Latina girl #1: Yeah, so then he was like, “aight, I'm gonna get you that bookshelf.” It was sooo exciting.
Latina girl #2: Didn't you already have the first book?
Latina girl #1: Yeah, I did. But I lent it to Jean Carla, and she gave it back to me last week. Oh man, I'm so protective of it, and it got bent. I was on the train, trying to bend it back, and I was like so upset, and this lady came up to me and was like, “sweetie, you alright?” and I said, “no. I won't ever be alright.”

–N Train

Overheard by: No Longer A Twilight Fan

…in Between Rounds Of Square Dancing.

Little boy to older sister: Look at that ugly bird.
Older sister, bored: Yeah, wow.
Little boy: I wanna crash it…stupid bird.
Older sister: Don't do that baby, it's not nice.
Little boy: Why not? I just wanna crash it.
Older sister: Because serial killers kill animals when they're little.
Little boy: What's a serial killer?
Older sister: It's something white people do for fun.

–7th Ave & 9th St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: I have yet to kill anyone

Is This a Racial Incident? Discuss.

Hobo with cane: Is that a Pit Bull?
Man with dog: No, it's a Basset Hound.
Hobo with cane: That's impossible, Basset Hounds do not exist. It's a Pit Bull!

–Broadway & 10th St

As Do I, Dear Lady. As Do I.

Cute, somewhat cracked-out blonde: What kind of shot is this?
Bartender: It's my special shot.
Cute blonde: Um…does it go with Lorazepam and Adderall?
Bartender, trying not to laugh: Well yes, yes it does.

–Karavas Place, W 4th St

And If She's Pregnant, Her Problems Are Deep-Seeded

Woman: I think she has deep seeded problems.
Man: Did you say “seeded,” like s-e-e-d-e-d?
Woman: Yeah, why?
Man: It's “seated.” Deep “seated” problems. Not “seeded.”
Woman: That's stupid. Why would a problem be “seated”? Seeds are deep, not seats.
Man: Seated, like, positioned.
Woman: Go pick your nose.
Man: Fine. Just remember when you told me there's no part of the body called a “bone of contention.”
Woman: I am so kicking your ass later.

–Civil Court, Livingston Street, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Big Larry

It's Like the Dominatrix Of Cities

Elderly woman to elderly man, as a young girl narrowly escapes getting hit by a car: Oh my god, what is it with these crazy people!? I hate this city more and more each day.
Elderly man: Well then, why do you live here?
Elderly woman: Because I love it.

–83rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Dee Dee

Oddly Enough, It Was an Obama Hat.

German lady, to no one in particular: You know, I vunder. I tink dat de only persons in USA who vatch Two and One-Half Men are from, like, Alabama. Or Nebraska. Someplace not in a city.
Student-type guy: Oh yeah?
German lady: Oh yes, for sure. I vould be shocked if anyvone on this train watches that show. Charlie Sheen is shit.
Student-type guy: Whatever. Just don't watch it.
German lady: No, I do not vatch this. I don't have cable. I hate Charlie Sheen.
Student-type guy: No cable? How do you know anything about the show then? How do you know anything about anything?
German lady: Oh, I know lots of things.
Student-type guy: Who is the President of the United States?
German lady: (silent)
Student-type guy: Are you fucking kidding me? You don't know who the President of the United States is and you're talking about fucking Charlie Sheen? Get the fuck off this train! …and your hat is stupid!

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: Dice To That

Human Rights Come First, Pal

PETA representative: Excuse me, ma'am, do you have a minute for animal rights?
NYU JAP: I'm wearing leather boots. Do I look like I give a shit about animal rights?
Panhandler: (applauds)
NYU JAP: (gives panhandler a quarter)

–8th & University

Overheard by: byron

Plus I Had to Be Bedridden and Quarantined Every Time I Got My Period

Old woman with husband, reminiscing: When I was younger I had an art degree from Cooper Union, had a fantastic graphic design job. I had a great career going for myself. And then guess what happened.
20-something girl: You got married?
Old woman, shocked: No! How old do you think I am? That we're from the 1800s? (pause) Computers. That's what happened.

–Times Square

Overheard by: RCS

Then He Took Out a SuperSoaker and Sprayed the Press Corps

Black person #1: Did you see Obama's speech last night?
Black person #2: No, what did he say?
Black person #1: Someone asked if he knows how much debt he is putting us in, and he says “Listen, I'm not the motherfucker that got us here.”
(they high five)

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

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