Girl #1, walking past NYSC: We should be working out like them…assholes.
Girl #2: It's fine, we are doing more productive things.
Girl #1: More productive than working out? Like what?
Girl #2: Going out, drinking, eating, and shopping!
–Wall Street
Girl #1, walking past NYSC: We should be working out like them…assholes.
Girl #2: It's fine, we are doing more productive things.
Girl #1: More productive than working out? Like what?
Girl #2: Going out, drinking, eating, and shopping!
–Wall Street
Girl, as UPS truck passes: Would you rather call FedEx or UPS?
Guy: I don't mind, as long as my package gets to where it needs to be.
Girl: Where does your package need to go?
Guy: My package needs to go up in your sister in Virgina.
–Time Square
Preteen boy #1: My new girlfriend told me to meet her there after school.
Preteen boy #2: Why don't you just call her and tell her you'll be late?
Preteen boy #1: I don't have her number.
Preteen boy #2: How is she your girlfriend if you don't even have her phone number?
Preteen boy #1: Cause I kissed her on the lips and she liked it!
–L Train
Uptight, Greg-type dude: Doesn't it hurt to sit with your legs like that?
Cheerful, Dharma-type chick, in lotus position on bar stool: Nope!
Uptight, Greg-type dude, after short pause: I shall pray for you, my dear.
–St. Mark's Ale House, St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Amber Star
Starbucks employee to disheveled looking woman: Because it is a federal offense, ma'am.
Disheveled looking woman: Did you just call me a bitch?
Starbucks employee: No, I said it is a federal offense.
Disheveled looking woman: No, you called me a bitch.
–Starbucks
Overheard by: Valley
Loud teen #1: I thought your dad was Italian…?
Loud teen #2: He is Italian…and bipolar.
(silence)
Loud teen #3: I think there's something wrong with me…but I do not know what.
–Q Train
Overheard by: sara
Man on cell: Well, at least my dick will finally seem bigger!
–Prince St. & W Broadway
Overheard by: Johnny
Puerto Rican lady on phone to pal: Yo, his dick was mad little, yo! My son's dick is bigger than that!
–Broadway & Havemeyer, Brooklyn
Teen on cell: And you have a small penis. And you're gay.
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: And I Thought My Day Wasn't Going Well
Black gay guy on cell: I feel so sorry for guys with small penises. Here I am, with a 12 inch dick and I don't even use it.
–Penn Station
Man on cell: You're dumping me because my dick is 11 inches and it's too big? That doesn't make any sense!
–Lorimer & Maujer
Overheard by: was this a lame attempt to hit on me?
Petite yuppie on phone: Oh my god! It was so small I tried so hard not to laugh! But then I decided to boost his spirit and I said to him, "is it because it's cold in here?" (pause) Yeah, you're right, that couldn't have possibly boosted anything at all. Dinner was good, though.
–N Train
Overheard by: Mefisto
Tourist teen: Scientology? Is that like that crazy Darwinism stuff where they think people are monkeys?
–TKTS
Guy: Well, 20 million years ago you were a monkey too!
–NYC Lab School
Overheard by: T
Teen to friend: So once the car is full of monkey poop, then you trade it in for another one.
–Chelsea
Hobo sitting in subway station: Woman ain't want no man in her bed…she want a monkey in her bed…ooohh ooh oh ahh ahhh ahhh. (makes monkey noises)
–E Train
Overheard by: Ja9
Comedy show hawker: You will all have autism when you're done with this show. And you'll be having sex like monkeys and bunnies.
–Times Square
Overheard by: fluffyautist
Little boy watching monkey, to father: I bet he wouldn't leave his kid at a Wal-Mart.
–Bronx Zoo
Chick on cell: Look, there are only two people other than me who can construct a sentence that awesome: Severus Snape and Keith Olbermann, and one of them isn't even real!
–18th & 6th
Middle-aged man on cell: Hey man, guess what. I just saw Harry Potter's magic wand!
—Equus, Broadhurst Theatre
Overheard by: Kilfy
Chick on cell: Is he one of Voldemort's friends from high school?
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Loud girl to friend: Because seriously, how many real redheads do we actually know? And Ron Weasley doesn't count!
–NYU
IT VP: This guy at work told me the ending to the last Harry Potter book before I read it. So I fired him.
–Astoria
Overheard by: Jason E
Teamster #1: Don't you ever take a day off?
Teamster #2: Every day is a day off.
–111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze
