Wednesday One-Liners Look Terrible in Neon Orange

20-something woman to man: You've never been arrested? I have never met anyone that has not been arrested!

–Le Charlot Restaurant, Upper East Side

Angry guy on cell: If you ever send e-mail to my family again, I will wait outside your apartment door! (pause) I got arrested! I spent Thanksgiving in jail!

–11th & University

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Man in US Correctional Services jacket to another looking around hectically in a large crowd: Make sure we don't lose him!

–Penn Station

Chubby well-dressed black dude to skinny white geeky friends: Time in prison can be good for the soul!

–F Train

Overheard by: MissMae

Guy on cell: Yeah man, she's like a young girl, and she's driving me nuts. It's like always a fight with her. I mean, she's so young, yo… But yeah, I mean, she's a sweetheart. I mean, she's a good girl. So young. Like, we've been together for 7 months and that ain't nothing to me, but to her it's a big deal. And I'm all like, shit, I've been in jail for longer than 7 months, you know, so I don't know what she's bitching about. I don't need her to make me miserable. I can make myself miserable.

–Metro-North Train

Overheard by: Meaghan

Fran Drescher sound-alike: What's wrong with you? Don't applaud, I'm going to jail!

–Eight Mile Creek, Mullberry Street

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Posted on July 9, 2018
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Cops, Coworkers, Crime and Punishment, Fat People, Girls, Guys, Holidays, Little Italy, On Cell, On the Subway, Penn Station, Prison, Questions, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes, The Village, Threats, Trains Not Subway, Upper East Side, Women

Sounds Like This Zebra I Know

Girl #1: So this guy I work with has been hitting on me a lot lately.
Girl #2: Is he Mexican?
Girl #1: No…he’s black or white or something.

–The Cutting Room, West 24th Street

Overheard by: Kate Elizabeth Queram

Posted on June 5, 2018
Bars & Clubs, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Manhattan, Mexicans, Pick-up Lines, Relationships, Sex & Relationships, Stupidity, White People

If This Is Your Guy, Dump Him Now

Guy #1: Where’s your girl?
Guy #2: She’s at a fuckin’ buffet. She’s eating at a buffet, the fat fuck.

–Brooklyn College

Posted on May 20, 2018
Brooklyn, Brooklyn College, Food, Relationships

Your Boyfriend Must Be Incredibly Sexually Frustrated

30-something guy: Don't tell me you have a boyfriend, I know that's not true.
20-something girl: Actually, I wasn't going to say that. I was going to say “I don't do dick.” But cool, have a nice day! (smiles and leaves)

–Grand Central Shuttle

Posted on May 18, 2018
Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Lies, On the Subway, Penis, Relationships, Sexuality

Ellie Was Branded As Ambitious Early On

Grade school girl #1: Why are you so upset?
Grade school girl #2: People at school think I like three boys! Do you know what that does to my reputation?!

–Outside the elementary school, 76th St

Posted on May 2, 2018
Elementary & Middle School, Gender issues, Girls, Kids, Questions, Relationships, School, School and studying

He’s More of a Skype Dude

Woman #1: I called him and I called him, and he kept letting it go to voice mail!
Woman #2: Well, maybe he wasn’t there. Or maybe he just didn’t want to talk to you.
Woman #1: But, like, it could’ve been Jesus on the phone! And he wasn’t answering!
Woman #2: Uh, Jesus wouldn’t call on a cell phone.

–M15 bus

Posted on March 20, 2018
Cell Phone, Friends, Jesus, On the Bus, Relationships

Wednesday One-Linered…With Children

Old Jewish woman to very nervous Asian 25-year-old bride to be: Honey, I've been married 53 years. The secret to a great marriage? Give him lots of sex. Lots of good sex.

–Dumbo, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Tanya

Man on cell: I told her I would convert. We could go to Vegas and get married next week, no problem.

–64th & Amsterdam

Woman on phone: My ex-boyfriend was 24 and he was able to support me, and you're 35 on an engineer's salary and you can't do the same. Do you know how many guys are begging to marry me, and can give me a dowry? So fuck you!

–Target Store, Brooklyn

Hispanic woman on phone: So where are you now? You already married him? Oh, okay. See you later.

–28th & Park Avenue South

Overheard by: Alie

Five-year-old boy to teacher about five-year-old girl next to him: We're going to get married. (to five-year-old girl) What's your name again?

–61st & Amsterdam

Posted on February 20, 2018
Advice, Age/Aging, Asians, Brooklyn, Girls, Glad the Condom Broke, Insults, Jews, Kids, Latinos, Marriage, Men, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Names, On Cell, One-liners, Questions, Relationships, Religion, Sex, Store, Street, Teachers/Professors, Travel, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

I’ll Have My Secretary Do It

30-something guy to group: So yeah, I mean my ex-wife found out I bought a new car, a Benz, and that my new girlfriend was driving around in it. So she got all pissy and told me to buy her a car. So I bought her the shittiest Toyota I could find at the used car lot. No joke, this thing is a death trap. I hope she burns alive in it.
Friend: Um, don’t you have kids?
30-something guy: Yeah, so?
Friend: Doesn’t your ex-wife drive the kids?
30-something guy: Oh fuck me, now I have to tell her that I tried to kill her.

–Metro North Train

Overheard by: Just Trying to Sleep…

Posted on January 27, 2018
Cars and Driving, Default, Friends, Guys, Kids, Money & Class, Questions, Relationships, Trains Not Subway, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Yeah, He’s Still Allergic to Me

Guy: How were things with your ex last night?
Girl: You know… He threw up and started crying, so I gave him a hug. He got an erection, threw up two more times and passed out.
Guy: So, same old same old.

–E 51st, b/w 1st & 2nd

Posted on January 6, 2018
Crying, Default, Erections, Girls, Guys, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Questions, Relationships, Vomit, Weirdness

Relationships