Guy: You know, I can never be in the Air Force.
Girl: Well, not really. There’s always the whole ‘Don’t tell’ thing.
Guy: But it’s on my record!
Girl: What? Did you have to file for your gay card or something?
Guy: … I meant because of my bad vision!
–Metro-North train
Little boy #1: You remember we don’t like girls, right? I don’t like girls.
Little boy #2: Yeah, but you should have worn your dinosaur shirt. They’re very in today.
–LIRR
Preppy girl with Starbucks cup: That was some shitty-ass coffee.
Preppy guy: Speaking of shitty, Cap’n Nemo’s got nothin’ on me. I shat a white whale in there. It was two feet long and, I’m tellin’ you, it was white! Like, white and one solid length! Took it first try, though. They have good toilets.
–PATH, Christopher St station
Overheard by: Zenana
Drunk Long Island guy: Jets!
Drunk Long Island girl #1: I hate football!
Drunk Long Island girl #2: I’m a Red Sox fan.
Drunk Long Island guy: … That’s baseball. We are talking about football.
Drunk Long Island girl #2: Oh, well, I’m a Red Sox fan. That’s all I know.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Rori
Asian kid #1: In my classes the teacher is always pairing me up with the other minorities. Just because I’m Asian doesn’t mean I speak all those languages, too.
Asian kid #2: I could close my eyes walking down the street and count to five and when I open them see at least one other Asian. We’re everywhere.
–LIRR
Four-year-old boy to random woman: Why did the skeleton go out to dinner?
Woman: Why?
Four-year-old boy: Because he wanted to get some ribs! [Boy and brother laugh hysterically.]Boys’ mom: Oh, Benjamin, you’re so shy.
Four-year-old boy: I’m not shy! I talk a lot because I’m drunk! [Ladies nearby laugh, mother blushes.] … I farted.
–LIRR
Teen boy #1: Would you do Jane?
Teen boy #2: Well, she’s pretty hot… Got nice tits and all, but don’t you consider diabetes a turn-off?
Teen boy #1: Yeah, dude, totally.
–Metro-North, 125th St stop
Overheard by: Ek CrIsp
Boyfriend: Wha– what?
Girlfriend: Weren’t you listening?
Boyfriend: I’m really excited to see Social D tonight. I haven’t been paying attention for the last hour.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Jess McGins
Prep #1: They made a list of the most important people ever, and you know who they named number one? Johannes Gutenberg!
Prep #2: Who’s that, again?
Prep #1: The printing press guy! I mean, I know he’s important, but he’s not that big of a deal.
Prep #2: Don’t they not even know when he was born?
Prep #1: Well, no. I mean, they know within a year or two.
Prep #2: If they can’t even figure out when exactly you were born, you can’t be that important.
Prep #1: Yeah, and you know who was number two? Isaac Newton! What did he really do other than give something for my math teacher to talk about? My math teacher sweated Newton hardcore. It was all ‘Newton, Newton, Newton.’
Prep #2: You would think that if they were going to rank the most important people of all time, they would research it a little better and include the really important people.
Prep #1: And if it’s of all time, wouldn’t it make more sense for them to wait until right before the end of time?
–Metro North train entering Grand Central
Overheard by: Courtney Messer
Drunk Yankee fan: Oh, god. I need to get to Tarrytown, and there isn’t even a fucking steering wheel on the goddamn train!
–Train from Penn Station
Overheard by: tourist…
Automated female voice finishes announcing the stop.
Toddler: This is 23rd Street — Union Square! Transfers available to the S, L, N… The S! S, L, and N trains! Stand clear of the closing doors!
–6 train at 23rd St
Overheard by: vic
Woman to daughter: The Subway Lord might come through and kick you off.
–R train
Toddler quivering with fright: Oh, no, Mommy. Oh, no. Oh, dear… Oh, dear… Oh, dear. The train’s coming, Mommy. It’s coming. Oh, dear. Oh, no. Oh, no no no no no no! Mommy! It’s coming, Mommy! Oh, no, Mommy! Mommy! It’s coming. It’s coming! It’s coming, it’s coming! Ahhh!
–6 train station, 77th St
Overheard by: BJ
Black guy opening engineer’s door after 15 minutes of standstill: Yo, move this shit, or I’ll drive it myself!
–Canarsie-bound L train
Woman wedged into middle of packed car: Just another day in paradise.
–1 train, rush hour
