Wednesday One-Liners Are the Stuff of Myth

Really pissed mom: And do you know what size unicorn they tried on her first? Medium.

–Macy's

Cafe employee, about pastries: Those look like fairy testicles.

–HopScotch Cafe

Overheard by: bildita

Guy yelling to passers-by: You're all materialistic, yuppie, vampire kings!

–W4th & Cornelia

Overheard by: greg

Man on cell: So Santa Claus will be there?

–Broadway & Wall St

Woman: When she was a newborn she looked exactly like Yoda, and then she grew up into Dopey.

–Penn Plaza

Five-year-old boy looking out of window: Ahh! I hate the sun! Vampires hate the sun!

–Q Train

Overheard by: LoRna

Posted on August 6, 2008
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Balls, Boys, Compare/Contrast, Holidays, Insults, Kids, Magic, Men, Moms, Movies, On Cell, On the Subway, Penn Station, Physical appearance, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Strangers, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Women

Wednesday One-Liners? Everyone Knows They Don’t Exist!

Teen boy: … Except you’re forgetting that I’m an elf.

–M14D bus

Overheard by: amelia

Girl to friend, both covered in fake blood and wounds: Are you sure this is the right location? I don’t see any other zombies around…

–42nd St

Overheard by: Katie

Hobo: Excuse me, sir. Excuse me, sir! I’m a goddamn leprechaun!

–W 4th & Waverly

Overheard by: Alex

Teacher: So, I had a dream last night that I was surrounded by zombies. Then I realized it was a dream, and I had a big sword and started swinging it at the zombies’ heads. But the sword was going through them and I was like, ‘What the hell?!’ and then they started turning into my freshmen students from last year…

–Bronx Science

Posted on December 26, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Interview with an Idiot

Dude: … And I stabbed her with a pencil. That’s when she turned into a vampire!
Friend: Are you serious?

–Bed-Stuy

Overheard by: Stef

Headline by: Arlene

Runners-Up:
· “Night Of the Living Spongebob” – Lalaith
· “Anne Rice Has Officially Run Out Of Ideas” – Jeff
· “It Might Be Time to Retire, Stephen King.” – space coyote
· “Sure I Am. Now Finish Your Paint Chips.” – Craig should be working
· “Tom Cruise Explains Scientology” – Meg
· “Undead Serious” – t.a.m.s.y.

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on July 23, 2007
Brooklyn, Crazies, Friends, Goths, Guys, Headline Contest Winners, Stab, Stupidity, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!

Mine Was in Death of a Salesman — What about You?

Queer #1: In seventh grade I was the unicorn in the school play.
Queer #2: Oh my god! You were the unicorn? What play? I was the unicorn! Oh my god!
Queer #3: No fucking way! I was the motherfucking unicorn, too! This is fucking crazy!
Queer #1: I know! I can’t believe we were all fucking unicorns!

–Hollywood Diner, 16th & 6th

Posted on June 10, 2007
Elementary & Middle School, Queer guys, Restaurants & Cafes, The Village, Theater & Dance, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!

Un Film de Wednesday One-Liners

Russian guy on cell: I went to see Saw III. Best movie ever — the girl in front of me fainted in the beginning of the movie! Five minutes into the movie she just fainted, and her boyfriend started calling for help. I called an ambulance, they took her away… That movie was awesome!

–Brooklyn-bound Q train

Overenthusiastic male student: Oh! I met Borat! He goes to NYU, right?

–Hunter College

Guy to everyone in theater: Shhh, I’m recording this!

–Movie theater, Court St, Brooklyn

Blonde: Yeah, so I watch Brokeback Mountain like it’s my Bible. I hang on every word, ’cause I really want to know how gay people talk.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Stina

Guy on cell: 28 Days was just stupid. Zombies aren’t like that. Dawn of the Dead is the most realistic portrayal of zombies I’ve ever seen!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Philip Niosi

Chick to hipsters: I did my first autopsy to The Wizard of Oz.

–The Village, near Mulberry

Overheard by: DC Diva

Posted on February 21, 2007
About Celebrities, Actors, All Wednesday One-Liners, Boyfriends, Brooklyn, Celebrities, College, Death, Film, Foreigners, Gays and Lesbians, Grand Central, Gripes, Health and Hygiene, Hipsters, Hunter, Movie Theaters, Movies, NYU, On Cell, Pop Culture, Queers, Students, The Village, Times Square, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!

They Teach Their Captives How to Cook, Clean, and Care for Infants

Midlife crisis #1: So, she met this really nice guy at a UFO convention.
Midlife crisis #2: Oh, really?
Midlife crisis #1: Yeah. He claimed he was abducted by Artylians.
Midlife crisis #2: Oh! That helps.

–Waiting area, NY Penn

Posted on January 14, 2007
Dating, Guys, Penn Station, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!, Weirdness

NewsFlash: Demons Discriminate against Women, NOW Files Suit

Woman: And you know what’s worse?
Man: What?
Woman: All the demons are male. Always. I mean, how unfair is that? It’s fucking retarded.

–B75 bus

Posted on January 12, 2007
Gender issues, Idiots, Insults, Men, On the Bus, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!, Women

Tales from Wednesday One-Liners’ Crypt

Man on cell: What are you, some sort of reverse vampire?

–C train

Dude: And there were unicorns exploding in the background… or at least doing whatever it is unicorns do.

–Live Bait, 23rd St

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Chick: You kind of look like a vampire in this picture. But a cool vampire! Like, if you were in The Lost Boys, Kiefer Sutherland would totally want to have sex with you.

–55th & 6th

Overheard by: wants to have sex with Kiefer Sutherland

Drunk hobo chuckling: You people look depressed! I know how to cheer you up. I’ll sing my favorite song! ‘Ding, dong, the witch is dead, the witch is dead…’ [Looks around] Hmmm… [Notices the train going express] What the…? I need a new mathematician! I need a new mathematician!

–6 train making express stops on a surprise basis

Overheard by: Barry Negrin

Sax-wielding hobo: I am an alien! From outer space! Not from Mexico!

–L train

Overheard by: Alex P. Keaton

Ricky’s employee: Looks like I’m all out in the fairy department.

–58th & Broadway

Mom: Johnny, put down the sword. Vampires don’t use weapons. Their teeth are their weapons.

–Halloween shop, 8th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Posted on December 6, 2006
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Cashiers, Drunks, Global Geography, Hobos, Holidays, Innuendo, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Movies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Singing, Store, The Village, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!

Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!