All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Make Mary Kate Heave

Girl on cell: So I woke up with a slice of pizza on my stomach again last night.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Frank B

Man: You know my theory: ground beef makes anything taste better.

–6 train

Overheard by: Sol

Old woman: Give me a donut. But not a very sweet one. I’m diabetic.

–Clarkson Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: astronugget

Fat woman on cell: “Butter Lovers” or “X-treme Butter” with an X?

–Duane Reade, 34th & 8th

Overheard by: Rita

Teenage boy: I had frosted Cheerios for breakfast. That’s some heavy shit.

–86th & 2nd

Overheard by: Madison Parks

Woman, yelling into her cell in a thick Puerto Rican/New York accent: I had to call you. Guess what I’m thinking about right now? Guess! You know the little peanut man on the jar of peanuts? Him! The little peanut man.

–crosstown bus, 72nd & Lex

Queer: Here’s what I want you to do. First, I want you to spread chocolate on my chest. Then, I want you to spread some nougat, then some caramel and roasted peanuts. Then I want you to fuck me and call me Snickers.

–Fire Island

What Would Wednesday One-Liners Do?

Teen boy: So I was watching one of those independent channels, and I saw this weird movie called Jesus Christ Superstar. Have you heard of it? It’s from the 70’s, so the camera work is really bad, but it’s not in black and white or anything. The best part is that Herod is all big and fat and he sings this funny song, like, “You’re the king of the Jews!” It’s a pretty funny movie. You know, except they, like, kill Jesus at the end.

–Q train

Overheard by: A White Bear

Girl: You know, I don’t think Jesus ever asked Mary Magdalene to kiss his balls.

–1849 Bar, Bleecker St

Drunk guy: Jesus saved me already, you fucking cunt!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: braincurve

Chick: Whatever. I could’ve annihilated Jesus at beer pong.

–Trump Building, Wall St

Overheard by: You know who

Girl on cell: Listen, the only ass I kiss is Jesus Christ. Got that?

–Key Food, 235th St

Overheard by: Miriam

Wednesday One-Liners Hail from Simpler Lands

Man on cell: Hello. Oh, hi, yes. You won’t believe it. I’m on a bus. In New York City. Can you imagine?

–M-104 bus

Overheard by: Nhoo

Girl: Oh my God, I am psyched to be in New York. Look! I can’t believe they have sand here! Aww!

–Central Park, near the Great Lawn

Tourist guy: Wow. I love this city. If New York had a cunt, I would eat it.

–Times Square

Overheard by: monzo

Wednesday One-Liners Explore Their Hoo-Hoo Zones

Girl on cell: Yeah, but I’ve gotta get out of these pants first. The crotch is wet and I don’t wanna get mad yeast.

— 85th & York

Overheard by: Ivan

Professor: You need to find your special place.

–Shepard Hall, City College

Girl on cell: You definitely could. You have a wider-set vagina than I do.

–65th Ave & Parsons Blvd, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Pete

Old lady on cell: Did you remove the tick from the genital area?

–5th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Utah

Wednesday One-Liners Aren’t So Vanilla

Suit on cell: Yeah, I know. Did I tell you about the dominatrix?

–49th & 7th

Little girl, to her mother: But why is the mummy all tied up?

–Egyptian Wing, the Met

Overheard by: Erin Partridge

Hipster woman: So I think my father is into kiddie porn.

–UCBT, 26th & 8th

Overheard by: Tobster

Dude, to his female date: So, do you like to do anal? Come on, you can be honest. You’ve already blown me.

—Calle Ocho, 81st & Columbus

Overheard by: Sara

Girl: I like you. Just not in a toe-up-the-ass way.

–1 train

Overheard by: i like toes

Cute guy: I mean, shit. I was in a threesome with him. He has no right to judge me.

–34th & 8th

Wednesday One-Liners Were Separated at Birth

Black guy: I can not believe mah baby girl just graduated from high school! Come on, honey, I’ll let you pick where we gonna go fo’ dinner: Denny’s or White Castle?

–Yonkers High School

Overheard by: Snow White

Ghetto girl graduate: Ya’ll wanna go to Red Lobstah or what?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Kaitlyn

Wednesday One-Liners Were Young and Needed the Money

Woman, yelling to man: Look, you give me crack and I smoke it and we fuck. That’s what we do.

–130th, between Lenox and 5th

Overheard by: Juany

Queer on cell: At least have the decency to suck dick for coke!

–10th & Ave A

Small child: I feel so dirty.

–sand box, Prospect Park

Overheard by: braincurve

Guy: You’ll never even see a vagina in your life. I can at least pay for it.

–53rd & 8th

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Wednesday One-Liners Need at Least a C Cup

Woman: And I was like, “Do you want my breasts to make the copies for you”?

–9th Ave

Overheard by: Michelle

Bag lady: Hey, those tits look great on you!

–Maiden & William

Overheard by: thanks, but they’re not fake

Airport security guard, to woman going through the security line: I said outerwear not underwear!

–LaGuardia Airport

Wednesday One-Liners Bring Home the Bacon

Guy: Free New York Times Market Place! You need a motherfucking job? Get yourself a motherfucking job! Pay your child support! Free New York Times Market Place! Find yourself a motherfucking job!

–outside Port Authority, 40th & 8th

Black guy, to white guy: Wake up, sleepy cracker! It’s Monday; time for work!

–109th & Madison

Man in suit, on cell: It’s manly to want to take care of your family.

–Carmine & Bedford

Wednesday One-Liners Cover Their Bases

Girl: Whatever, it’s disgusting. I mean, you can cum in my butt but not in my vag.

–Q train

Woman: I have sex in my vagina, not in my bottom!

–Prospect Park

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