All Wednesday One-Liners

Fully Automatic Water-Cooled Assault Wednesday One-Liners

Four-year-old boy: I have gun! Gun, gun, gun, gun, gun!

–Gate, Newark Airport

Overheard by: minkey

Man on phone: Yo! The last time I saw that nigga I shot at that nigga!

–43rd & 7th

Overheard by: Alex

Guy with facial piercings: My mom’s such a bitch. She’s like, ‘I don’t want any guns or drugs in the house!’ and I was like, ‘Fuck you, Mom!’

–Penn Station

Woman on cell: Kings County is the best hospital to go to if you get shot in New York.

–14th & Union Square

Overheard by: Mole

Thug kid to thug friends: I don’t do shootings. And besides, this is my stop.

–7 train, Queens

Overheard by: Mrs. LeClair

Night Train, Thunderbird and Wednesday One-Liners

Crazy hobo with guitar to stranger: Damn… you invited a lot of people.

–1 Train

Hobo to young married couple: I have found the promised land. Seriously. I'd get a plane ticket right now, but it'd be cheaper to go to confession for a week and then get hit by a bus. Remind me to tell you about this later.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Oliver

Grimy hobo: Hey, do you guys have any change? Hey, do you guys have any change?
(20-something girl walks past him, with businessman a few steps behind) Hey, do you guys want to have sex? Uh, I mean…

–W 3rd & Thompson

Hobo, taking donations to help the homeless, counting coins: 25…50…60… (grabs fistful of coins sticks in pocket) Tax rebate!

–Union Square

Wednesday One-Liners Have Started Drinking Alone

Teacher: That’s a beautiful outfit! I forgot today was Culture Day — I would’ve come in drunk.

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Liz

JAP: I was so drunk, and the next day I woke up in an unmade bed!

–Times Square

NJ Transit conductor: We’re on the train goin’ to Dovah. This is a late-night train for the drunk college kids. If you miss your stop, that sucks — we ain’t goin’ back. In Dovah, it’s ovah.

–Penn Station

Chorus of drunks: Rehab sucks! Rehab sucks! Rehab sucks!

–Welcome to the Johnson’s, LES

Overheard by: Alexis

Large, loud lady dragging dirty hot pink suitcase to passerby: I’ve got a bottle of beer in one hand and a holy Bible in the other!

–W 39th & 8th

20-ish director type to others: Okay, I’m laying down the law for this show. Nobody drinks — none of the actors are allowed to drink before the show tomorrow. I can drink before the show, but none of the actors can drink before the show.

–Krain’s Theatre, E 4th & 2nd

Overheard by: could use a drink now

Tipsy dude: Either way, the test is coming back positive, so let’s get drunk.

–3rd & 12th

Wednesday One-Liners Are So Fucking Glad It’s Over

Conductor: This is Prince Street. Not Half-blood Prince Street, but Prince Street.

–N train

Overheard by: she later invited the passengers to debate whether snape was a criminal or a hero

30-year old fan: … And then he sprinkled magic dust over her throbbing vagina…

–Book release, Spring & Mercer

Overheard by: santos l. halper

Man to five-year-old son: Yeah, you know Harry Potter is now in this play in London where he plays a naked guy that has sex with horses? Comin’ to Broadway soon.

–Harry Potter Pl on Mercer St

Overheard by: i don’t THINK that’s how it goes actually…

Girl glancing at boy reading Deathly Hallows: Does Frodo die?

–Strings Attached Theater Company’s performance of Life As We Know It

Oscar Wilde’s Wednesday One-Liners

Dude: I’d make out with Joshua* for non-gay reasons.

–Forest Ave, Staten Island

Overheard by: lol

Professor: A bar is not always a bar. You walk into a gay bar and you’ll see it’s not your ordinary bar. In ordinary bars men get excited and yell at the television. In gay bars men get excited, yell at each other, and hold hands!

–Freshman writing class, NYU

Overheard by: elle woods-chelseahuckabay

Professional queer to friend: It’s my mission to bring gay to everything, including bullet points.

–Urge, 2nd & 2nd

Overheard by: John

Queer: The Tony Award nominations were announced this morning, and now Jerry Falwell is dead. It’s such a great day to be gay!

–Union Square

Man: Yeah, we had the baby. Then I told her I was gay.

–103rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Kathleen

Thug on cell: The problem is that I have a faggy face! My face is just too faggy!

–42nd, between Broadway & 8th

Overheard by: Kitty

Suit: I love you, man! If I were gay, you’d be the first ass I’d bang.

–Houston & 6th

Overheard by: JEI

Wednesday One-Liners Leave Track Marks

Former Broadway ingenue: He injects silicone into his penis and testicles. He has for years.

–A-list Broadway party

Overheard by: kgrahams

Wannabe policy maker: They should have umbrella exchange centers. You know, like needle exchanges.

–Washington Square South

Overheard by: Lacey

Dad: You want to get arrested? Brian, put those syringes down. If you want to get high, go outside and find some mothafucka on the street.

–Emergency room, Beth Israel

Overheard by: Coughing in the Ghetto Israel

Ditz: I love hepatitis shots!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Salmon Slap

Hipster chick on cell: Yeah, you should probably get a rabies shot for that… And a pap smear.

–Washington Square Park

Wednesday One-Liners Wish They’d Stuck to Casual Sex

Chick: Well, our relationship has been kind of weird. I mean, the first time I met him I thought he was dorky, then the second time I met him I thought he was hot. Hot enough to fuck, because I didn’t know about his girlfriend yet. Then the third time I met him I thought he was gay, and that was before I met his crazy girlfriend.

–Soho

Girl: I am so sick of dating these losers. From now on, I won’t go out with any guy unless he has an entry in Wikipedia.

–Masa

Man on cell: No, I don’t want to go with my girlfriend! I want to go with you, because I want to have fun!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Claire H

Man on cell: … So she called me up later, and said, ‘Sorry I was such a cunt.’ That’s when I said to myself, ‘I like this girl.’

–Outside Supreme Court, 360 Adams St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Big Larry

Girl to boyfriend, arguing: … But I let you have access all my orifices!

–Orchard & Delancey

Overheard by: Rob

Five-year-old boy: I’ve got two girlfriends, but one of them is six and I’m only five, so she’s not my type.

–A train

Overheard by: Neal Mortimer

Wednesday Flatliners

Dude on cell: Alright, listen up. If the guy gets up and walks away, he's not dead. If you come back and he's still lying there, he's dead, you follow? So, in that situation you are just going to go through the motions like we discussed.

–23th & 7th

Overheard by: mel

Random man on bicycle to doorman: You never know when you're going to eat a bad mushroom and die.

–87th St & York Ave

Overheard by: Critter

Jersey woman, looking at a case with brains that suffered from major stroke: Oh my gawd… They probably died from that!

–Bodies The Exhibition, South St Seaport

Guy shopping in art supply on a cell: So you're banking on dying young, then?

–Art Store, Williamsburg

Spacey old guy to friends, calmly: I want to murder that guy. (even more calmly) I've got bloodlust in my heart.

–9th St b/w 1st & 2nd

Overheard by: JKW

Woman on cell: You want to be cremated, right? (pause) Well, then what the hell are we going to do with you?

–Park Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Would Rather Be Thin and Dead

Young woman: Oh… I don’t eat dinner anymore. That’s my new thing.

–Bloomingdale’s, 59th St & Lex

Overheard by: Emily Duncanson

Mother to size-4 daughter: If you were skinny you’d look good in these clothes.

–Zara, Lex & 59th St

Queer: Go ahead, get dessert. You can just purge it up later.

–Azul Bistro, Stanton St & Suffolk St

Girl on cell: Why do you always ask if I’m anorexic? What’s so wrong about being bulimic?

–7 train

Overheard by: Dorothy

Ana girl: Look at those kids eating… Eating…

–Lowes, Times Square

Overheard by: julia

Guy: Please, I did so much coke, I can fit into these pants.

–3rd Ave & 14th St

Queer on cell: Eating disorders are healthy.

–23rd St & 8th St

Overheard by: Also a Homo

Wednesday One-Liners Hope the Building Doesn’t Go Condo

Father to young son: We’ll get an apartment in Kentucky. Then you’ll only have to go to school through 6th grade."

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Dashing Dan

Jewy girl on cell: He’s an apartment broker?… Last time you said he dealt with hedge funds… Yea, I don’t think they are the same thing.

–21st St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Lezbotron

Guy: Well, my week has been interesting. Last month Meredith tried to sublet my apartment right out from under me. So, this week I went through her stuff and mailed her boyfriend –wait no, fiancé– a receipt from when she got an abortion last summer.

–10th & 1st

Overheard by: ED

Reasonable cop: Even though it’s a stinkin friggin apartment, he’s got a place to put his ugly fuckin head.

–Dunkin Donuts, Woodside, Queens

Twink #1 to twink #2: I believe in my heart of hearts that I should live in an apartment like the ones in Woody Allen movies.

–50th St & 9th Ave

Conductor on very crowded F train: Those of you with very small apartments will appreciate them now.

–F Train

Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.

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