All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday-One-Liners Get a Pacific Rim Job

Skinny Asian man to large black woman: You too fat!

–4 train

Overheard by: LP

Cultured concert connoisseur: I think this girl was from California. She spoke Asian and Spanish.

–Webster Hall

Overheard by: ak

Hipster, sitting next to Asian women: Awesome. Asians have tiny asses!

–R train, Canal St

Overheard by: Matt Hartwick

Hipster chick: Asians eat the darndest things.

–Lower East Side

Overheard by: Lesley

Asian fag hag: Of course it doesn’t sound right! I’m a girl doing gay porn!

–West Village

Overheard by: megan

Asian woman suit: I’m really just tired of being a mobster.

–Wall St & Nassau

Hobo lady to Asian-looking girl: If I speak in your language, will you give me some money? Heeeyyyaaah! Karate chop!

–44th St & Lex

Overheard by: Made my morning

Wednesday One-Liners, Have You Called Jenny Yet?

Drunk baseball fan: My friend — he’s a fat fuck! I’m gonna call him and tell him how fat he is!

–LIRR to Shea Stadium

Fat lady to tiny lady: Move your fat ass!

–Manhattan-bound 6 train

Overheard by: Dr. Seuss Tat

15-year-old fattie: If it wasn’t for my huge boobs, I would just look fat.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Andy

Recent high school grad: She put on a lot of weight. Doesn’t she look fat in this picture? [Friend just stares.] It’s her eyes.

–Queens Blvd

Queer on cell: Well, there’s cute-chubby and hopeless-chubby… No, I’m not gonna tell you which one you are!

–88th & Amsterdam

Loud fat lady, during silence after curtain fall: Ew, that’s gross! Eat that…

–NYC Ballet, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Evan

Wednesday One-Liners' Monogrammed Towels Say “W.O.L.”

Preppy teenage boy on cell: I use the word "ex" as a coping mechanism. She can have her name back once I'm healed.

–Grand Central

Transvestite on cell: I'm changing my name from Angela to Rachel. Angela sounds very Disney. I don't feel like Disney. I feel like a hard sound, like Rachel.

–Pelham Bay Park

Black guy: Shit be fucked up. Niggas got bitches' names. Bitches got niggas' names.

–26th & 8th

Overheard by: Withnail

Yuppie to another: You know, man, I think you say my name more than your wife's.

–62nd & 2nd

Overheard by: The Vonz

Upper East Side girl, seriously: You know what the first thing I look for in a gentleman caller is? His name.

–89th St & 3rd Ave

Wednesday One-Linerbation

Big old lady yelling at MTA employee: Of course they're not coming! They're too busy fucking! Masturbating! Eating donuts!

–53rd & Lexington Subway Station

Girl to friend: Oh my god, he does things to me that make masturbation seem like bland oatmeal!

–14th & 3rd

Overheard by: TheOneThatGotAway

Teen to friend: Seriously, if I was a guy for a day, all I'd do is piss standing up and masturbate.

–Queens Center Food Court

Guy on cell: Dude, if I didn't jerk off a couple times a day I'm pretty sure I'd be a serial rapist.

–Penn Station

Short nerdy businessman to another: I didn't know I was going out with her when I beat off.

–15th St & 9th St

Overheard by: Spicoli

Blond scruffy short man on headset: Do you really think girls would go for that? You think a girl would, for a chance to win $500, watch me masturbate?

–R Train

Wednesday One-liners

Woman: I really hope that you start doing some shit that’s smart.

–Broadway & Waverly

Businessman: The CEO’s a good ol’ Italian goombah from Bayonne.

–Midtown Office

Wednesday One-Liners– Just Like Mom Used to Make!

Man to girlfriend: You know, I was never going to tell you this, but I really dislike your mother.

–M08 Bus

20-something girl on cell: Mmm-hmm. Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry he's such a jerk. (pause) Mmm-hmm. (pause, suddenly very angrily) Well, ain't no man allowed to say your mom isn't special!

–207th St & Broadway

Slob college kid: Why would I be staring at your mom's fifty-five-year-old ass, Rachel? No, wait, my mom's fifty-five… Why would I be staring at your mom's fifty-yea-old ass?

–LIRR

Teen girl setting up voicemail on phone: Hey! This is Katy. If you're not my mother, please leave a message.

–Metro-North Rail

Nanny to little boy sticking head under her top: No, no sweetie. See, this is something I would have to tell mommy about.

–42nd St & Lexington

Overheard by: Carolyn

Read These Wednesday One-Liners to Induce Vomiting

Guy: Once I told my friend Ivan that I like to eat my scabs, and he said he did too, so we ate each other scabs.

–Park Slope

Ugly drunk girl: Sometimes I pick people's noses. (pause) Usually nothing comes out!

–LIRR, Huntington Line

Overheard by: I <3 Commuters Black guy on cell: Then I put KY all over her pussy, yo, and she wanted to spoon that shit up and eat it!

–Lafayette St

Man to family: Well, I've got to assume he's getting sick anyway, judging by the snot I just saw.

–Grand Central Station

Male law student: That's the good thing. You can scratch all day and it won't spread.

–Fordham Law School

20-something receptionist: Urp! I think I just coughed up a fetus. I better Lysol the phone.

–5th Ave

Overheard by: BrooklynBorn

A Pink Triangle of Wednesday One-liners

Crazy man: Why you gotta stick your dick in a man? How can you be a Latin King and stick your dick in a man?

–6 train

Overheard by: Dirt “Chainsaw” Dog

Economy-Class Wednesday One-Liners

AirTran flight attendant over intercom: We hope you ladies and gentlemen had a nice flight, and we ask that you all press your faces against the windows so Delta can see what a full flight looks like.

–LaGuardia

Airline employee over loudspeaker: Last call for John Smith* to board flight 1234.
Airline loudspeaker, 10 minutes later: Seriously, last call for John Smith* for flight 1234.
Airline Loudspeaker, 10 more minutes later: Okay, John Smith, you know we love you, but the plane has to take off now!

–JFK Airport

Overheard by: Kim

Flight attendant: The captain has advised us that our flying time will be quick, at an altitude of high and a speed of fast.

–JFK airport

Flight attendant: We do encounter bumps between the runway and the gate — that’s not my fault. It’s not even the captain’s fault. It’s the asphalt.

–JFK airport

Flight Attendant: Thank you for flying US Airways, and have a happy… happy… what the hell holiday is this? Columbus? Psssh, that ain’t no holiday. Have a good week!

–LaGuardia Airport

American Airline pilot: Ok guys, we’re just waiting on some United dude to clear our tail so we can push.

–La Guardia Airport – about to take off

Overheard by: So K

Pilot flying into LaGuardia: If you look out the right side of the plane, you can see the beautiful, famous downtown skyline of Manhattan. [Pause.] And if you look out the left side… [pause, sighing] New Jersey.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: mj kiran

Wednesday One-Liners Support a Woman's Right to Shoes

Dude looking at girl shoes: If I were a chick I'd wear the ugliest shoes, I swear.

–5th Ave

Woman on phone call with son's teacher: I know he's in the big boy group, but if you see he put his shoes on the wrong feet again, could you just let him know, please?

–57th St & Madison

Four-year-old girl: My toes are in my shoes!

–Bus

Overheard by: vcstr

Girl, with pride: I can't get laid in this town without these pointy fucking shoes. My feet are so black and blue, and so are you!

–F Train

Overheard by: Ofelia Hiney

Gay guy to friend: Oh, c'mon, at its best, The Wizard of Oz is just a story about two women fighting over a pair of shoes.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Paul N.

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