All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Have an Amazing Ability to Multitask

Woman: You wanna have a gang bang? Then I’m not being nice today.

–32nd & 6th

Ghetto girl: While you was kissing him he was eatin’ her out.

–Penn Station

Woman on cell: What would I do without you? Who would archive my threesomes?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Nipples McFreaky

Cabbie, after four girls exit cab: Usually when four white girls get into cab and say, ‘Harlem,’ they are going to see their man for a gang bang.

–109th & Madison

Overheard by: wish i lived in harlem back then

Little girl: I can’t wait to tell my class about polyamory!

–Amtrak out of Penn Station

Overheard by: Nipples

Guy on cell: There was a blonde-haired girl and a brown-haired girl. I did everything to the brown-haired girl!

–Bedford Ave, between N 3rd & N 4th

Overheard by: chloe

Blonde chick on cell: No, you wouldn’t like them. They aren’t into orgies.

–Astor Place

George Orwell’s Wednesday-One-Liner Farm

Girl to friend: So I got my horse, things got a little escalated… He got his horse…

–The Cloisters

Overheard by: ninja z

Small child on bike: Suck my butt monkey!

–Central Park

Metrosexual on cell: I can only hope the animal noises are promising for my night.

–Stuyvesant Town

Overheard by: Argopelter

African man to African woman: I told you when you came to this country that you can’t touch old people, you can’t touch children, and you can’t touch animals.

–Central Park, near W 63rd St entrance

Overheard by: birdw0rks

Woman to another: He would go one way and the armadillo would go the other way…

–42nd St, outside Bryant Park

Overheard by: MPW

Sad girl to friend: I’d feel better if I just had lemurs to talk to.

–Washington Square Park

You're No Body 'Til Some Body Wednesday One-Liners You

Girl: He has a really amazing skull.

–Bakery, Cortelyou Road

Guy to friend: Why is that girls can get away with picking their noses?

–170th St & Broadway

Loud girl on cell in line at deli: You know I have bladder issues whenever I have sex!

–Broadway & Ooper

Lady suit, screaming into cell: Colon cleanse! Colon cleanse! Colon cleanse! I need a goddamn colon cleanse!

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Colin

Wednesday One-Liners: Unfiltered.

Chick on cell, not visibly pregnant: I'm having a c-section and a cigarette.

–Simply Natural, 43rd & 10th

Overheard by: Pleased

Recurrent drunkard to bar: I'm not a smoker! I'm a libertarian, for fuck's sake!

–Peter McMannus Pub

LIRR conductor: There will be no pugilism on this train. Additionally, tonight marks the first night of Kwanzaa, and in the spirit of Kwanzaa, I ask you to not smoke on this train. This is the final warning: if you are smoking, you will be ejected at the next convenient stop. Also, no throwing up is allowed on the train. The two places where you may throw up are in the conveniently-located bathrooms, or on yourselves. Again, merry Kwanzaa.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Jenna K

NYU girl: Do you have a cigarette to ease my cough?

–Waverly & Mercer

Chick: Mad Men is like porn for smokers.

–172nd St & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Wednesday One-Liners Wake Up in a Tub of Ice

Woman: My sister had a kidney removed when she was 9, and she still uses it.

–Dojo, W 4th St.

Guy: Yeah, the only reason I have kids is that, if I ever need it, I know there’s a compatible kidney around.

–33rd & 8th

Overheard by: kjsilopanna

The Public Immodesty of Wednesday One-Liners

Teen girl on cell: Yeah, I mean, I totally don’t get what your mom’s problem is. I mean, it covers your vagina!

–109th & CPW

Overheard by: Harris Mercer

NYU girl: I wore this to a party the other night, and I thought, ‘Slut, slut slut.’ But then I looked around…

–W 4th & MacDougal

Overheard by: Martin Johnson

Fat Caribbean woman to another: Oh, girls’ skirts today! My daughter — her skirt was so short you could see what she had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner!

–5 train

B&T girl to another: Now I have to go home and pick out an outfit to cheat on my boyfriend with for tomorrow night.

–14th & 9th

Overheard by: DocThomp

Teen girl on cell: … Something slutty. … What are you going to wear?

–Union Square Holiday Market

Overheard by: Sarah Booz

Wednesday One-Liners Want You to Know About the Size of Their Bank Accounts

Yuppie on cell (trying to be discreet): Hey mom. Are you busy? Could you Google Maps me? I'm on Houston and West Broadway. Yeah, I didn't want to ask anyone for directions and make a fool of myself. Although I'm pretty sure I just did, because half of this coffee shop is looking at me now.

–W Houston

Overheard by: Let's face it, we were all new at one point.

40-something yuppie woman: And then I realized that my biggest problem in life is that most of the time I'm incredibly happy, but I'm not aware of how happy I am.

–81st & Madison

Yuppie dad to seven-year-old daughter: Now when you start buying iPods, that's when you're going to want to have a Visa card.

–Stanton & Christie

Overheard by: Ross

Three-year-old yuppie spawn: Noooooooooooo! I don't want Pad Thai! I want sushi!

–Dice Thai, Prospect Park

Overheard by: I'll take sushi too but you're payin', kid

Wednesday-One-Liners Get a Pacific Rim Job

Skinny Asian man to large black woman: You too fat!

–4 train

Overheard by: LP

Cultured concert connoisseur: I think this girl was from California. She spoke Asian and Spanish.

–Webster Hall

Overheard by: ak

Hipster, sitting next to Asian women: Awesome. Asians have tiny asses!

–R train, Canal St

Overheard by: Matt Hartwick

Hipster chick: Asians eat the darndest things.

–Lower East Side

Overheard by: Lesley

Asian fag hag: Of course it doesn’t sound right! I’m a girl doing gay porn!

–West Village

Overheard by: megan

Asian woman suit: I’m really just tired of being a mobster.

–Wall St & Nassau

Hobo lady to Asian-looking girl: If I speak in your language, will you give me some money? Heeeyyyaaah! Karate chop!

–44th St & Lex

Overheard by: Made my morning

Wednesday One-Liners, Have You Called Jenny Yet?

Drunk baseball fan: My friend — he’s a fat fuck! I’m gonna call him and tell him how fat he is!

–LIRR to Shea Stadium

Fat lady to tiny lady: Move your fat ass!

–Manhattan-bound 6 train

Overheard by: Dr. Seuss Tat

15-year-old fattie: If it wasn’t for my huge boobs, I would just look fat.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Andy

Recent high school grad: She put on a lot of weight. Doesn’t she look fat in this picture? [Friend just stares.] It’s her eyes.

–Queens Blvd

Queer on cell: Well, there’s cute-chubby and hopeless-chubby… No, I’m not gonna tell you which one you are!

–88th & Amsterdam

Loud fat lady, during silence after curtain fall: Ew, that’s gross! Eat that…

–NYC Ballet, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Evan

Wednesday One-Liners' Monogrammed Towels Say “W.O.L.”

Preppy teenage boy on cell: I use the word "ex" as a coping mechanism. She can have her name back once I'm healed.

–Grand Central

Transvestite on cell: I'm changing my name from Angela to Rachel. Angela sounds very Disney. I don't feel like Disney. I feel like a hard sound, like Rachel.

–Pelham Bay Park

Black guy: Shit be fucked up. Niggas got bitches' names. Bitches got niggas' names.

–26th & 8th

Overheard by: Withnail

Yuppie to another: You know, man, I think you say my name more than your wife's.

–62nd & 2nd

Overheard by: The Vonz

Upper East Side girl, seriously: You know what the first thing I look for in a gentleman caller is? His name.

–89th St & 3rd Ave

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