All Wednesday One-Liners

Does a Threesome With Twins Break the Wednesday One-Liner Taboo?

Suit to another: He was just lucky not to be fucking someone in his family!

–Trump Building

Overheard by: Guess I'm lucky too

Gamer on headset: Dude, you are not listening to me. You can't hear me. You know why? Because you have no ears. You're the product of two retarded cousins fucking each other.

–Queens

Girl: He looks like my uncle… the one I'm really attracted to.

–Governors Island ferry

Overheard by: boring

Male passerby: I wouldn't fuck my family, but…

–4th Ave & 11th St

Overheard by: Jessica

British professor wearing bow tie: It's fascinating just how exciting incest is!

–Silver Center, NYU

Wednesday One-Liners Are Serfectly Pober

Thugged-out camp counselor: Twenty dollars to get in?! This place better have an open bar ‘n’ some shit!

–Bronx Zoo

Overheard by: EthanK

Dude: Yo, this conversation is way too intellectual. Let’s go — I just wanna get drunk and find some hos…

–56th & 8th

Overheard by: JGT

30-ish dude on cell: Yeah, he was so drunk he tried to pay the tab with his health insurance card. Then he got mad when they wouldn’t take it.

–43rd & 9th

Guy on phone: That bar sounds awful. I’ll be right there!

–53rd & 3rd

Summer-Weight Wednesday One-Liners

Suit: They should just go ahead and make January a month already. Officially, I mean.

–49th & 5th

Overheard by: Jeremy Tortora

Suit on cell: I think the picture for the cover of the annual report should be me and you bent over a table, and John Smith* standing behind us, gloating.

–68th & Broadway

Suit on cell: He’s not hallucinating. He’s just realized that he’s allergic to polyester.

–125th St Metro North platform

Overheard by: Thatsoundsaboutright

Suit on cell: Yeah, he accidentally put his thumb through a two hundred million dollar…

–W 12th & Greenwich Ave

Overheard by: Wang

Suit on cell: No, listen to me! You cannot call that ‘fluff.’ You call that ‘fluff,’ both you and me will go to jail.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Erin

Tall, lanky white suit: And he was all, ‘Jibba-jabba, jibba-jabba, jibba-jabba…’ Ya know?

–Starbucks, Beaver St

Overheard by: Sarah Booz

Suit in rain, splashed by crazy, honking cabbie: Whoa! Fucking lunatic! … Well, at least now you can’t tell I just fucking pissed myself! Asshole!

–67th & Columbus

Overheard by: morgan

Oh Me So Wednesday One-liners

Musician: See, that’s why I don’t drink. So I can fuck any time.

–26th between 6th & Broadway

Overheard by: Mike

Guy: Where can I go to make it look like I went home last night?

–56th & 9th

Overheard by: David

Ghetto chick: …and it’s not like I’m calling him a transsexual, but he gave oral like a starving lesbian.

–58th & 5th

Overheard by: Melissa

Do Wednesday One-Liners Make You Hot?

Balding 40-something: I’m a coed! Don’t laugh — I am a hot coed!

–Columbia University

Drunken cheerleader to fat friend: We’re the hottest non-lesbian girl couple ever.

–68th & Lex

Thug to friends: Yo, it’s too damn hot to be messin’ with the females today.

–Union St & 4th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Teen program chick: … And even if it’s really, really hot outside, you are not supposed to sleep with a fan directly on you.

–Columbia University

Wednesday One-Liners for the Crazy Cat Lady

Guy on cell: I guess you’d rather spend time with your cat than me. That’s cool.

–Brooklyn Heights

Thug to girl calling for cat: You lost your cat, baby? Shit, this is Brooklyn, there’s so many street cats out here they probably ate your cat.

–Franklin & Classon, Prospect Heights Brooklyn

Teen, talking about guitars: You can never have too many. They’re like cats.

–17th & 8th

Girl on cell: Yeah, I want one too, but we should start with a cat and see how that is. You know, play it by ear.

–86th & Lexington

Overheard by: Is that how it works?

Girl: If I looked like a cat’s poop hole I’d still want to be loved… and eaten.

–JFK

Wednesdays Are Naturally Sweetened With One-Liners

Chick on cell: As a pie-lover, I have a question.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Poogins

Father to toddler: No, you can't have a doughnut. You just had a doughnut yesterday. You can have another when you're…25!

–Doughnut Plant, Grand & Norfolk

Large older woman: I like cherry, lemon, peach, apple, and pumpkin. Other than that, I'm not a big pie person.

–Central Park Bench

Overheard by: Struedel Snatcher

Big black guy: And she kept trying to get me to take a pie, but I kept telling her, "bitch, I ain't got no room for no pie!"

–Penn Station

Young lady to friend, gravely: I understand, but things have changed. That was before the chocolate bonanza.

–72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: T. Ryan

Rich Wednesday One-liners

Moneybags: I’m thinking about selling one of my sailboats. It got a leak in the dining room, so I figure why not?

–Dock’s Oyster Bar, 40th & 3rd

Overheard by: Greg Rutter

Suit on cell: …yeah, I passed out with one shoe, but when I woke up they were both gone!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: ianr

Wednesday On-Liners

Chick on cell: Why did you tell dad about that?…Well, he was going to find out sooner or later when he saw me on the website.

–Union Square

Female midget: Yeah, they’re installing the internet in my new apartment and apparently they need a computer.

–Elevator, ABC building, 66th St

Overheard by: Mojosaves

World traveler: Really, you can get anything on the streets of Bangkok. Thai prostitutes, smoothies, passport pictures…It’s like Craigslist.

–20th & 8th

Overheard by: laughing out loud

Catholic school girl on cell: Danny, it’s me. I have some bad news. We’re on a break. Call me back when you get this message….[Hangs up and redials] Maria! What am I going to do about my MySpace?!

–4th Ave

Overheard by: Joe

Blonde on cell: Seriously, I love you, but…Seriously…Seriously, you’re an asshole. You’re a dick! Why didn’t you just tell me the fucking truth!…Well, I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I posted those pictures on MySpace, but…Well, be a fucking man about it and tell me the fucking truth then!…Seriously, I love you.

–23rd & 8th

Overheard by: wild dog boy

Loud guy on cell: So how do I get this done? Do I go on the internet or something?… I want to be able to print my own bounty hunter license immediately.

–11th & 6th

Suit: When I was working for my old company, all we would do is download porn.

–Grand & Varick

Don't Read Too Much Into These Wednesday One-Liners

Check in girl: I only like buying books with sparkles on the cover.

–York & 72nd

Overheard by: fance

Teenage girl on cell: I gotta find this book in the religion section. You know, it's like… it's not that you believe in god, or you don't believe in god, but that you just don't care? I want that book!

–Borders Bookstore, Midtown

Amtrak conductor: A free copy of Amtrak's Arrive magazine is located in your seat pocket. For those seeking enlightenment, this magazine is the first step.

–Train, Penn Station

Student, discussing The Sound and the Fury: I suppose it's a very *artsy* ending–a big, retarded guy holding a broken flower… Does that come with skinny jeans and an apartment in Williamsburg?

–Stuyvesant High School

Tipsy 30-something nerd: We can't all be riding escalators with hard-ons.(older woman turns around) What, lady? It's a literary reference, look it up!

–1st & 7th

Overheard by: Phyllis Dean

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