Wednesday One-Liners for Purity of Essence

Employee: Point is, I won’t waste anymore saliva on him!

–Jamba Juice, Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: stunned juice drinker

Guy on cell: Yeah, man! It got all sticky icky in her gooey Louie.

–In line for food, Bing

Overheard by: caitlin

Loud B&T chick on crowded sidewalk: You damn better tell me if there’s a booger hanging from my nose!

–23rd & Broadway

Overheard by: mk

Dude: I like my anal leakage as much as the next guy.

–B&H Restaurant, 2nd Ave

Overheard by: E.F.S.

Man: I didn’t mean to spit on Santa Claus — it just sort of happened.

–Near Crew Cuts

Overheard by: Dan

Girl: He’s really sweaty to sleep with, I’ll tell you that. Him and Frank both.

–110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Al E. Ro

Chick: Well, we were talking about projectile lactating…

–Washington Square

Posted on May 20, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Excretions, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

The Books Are Over, Wednesday One-Liner, Deal With It.

Grad student: It’s like Hogwarts. Witches go to Hogwarts. They don’t go to Harvard Witch Management.

–Think Coffee, Mercer & W 4th

Overheard by: this analogy makes no sense

German dude to other German dude, in rapid German: Voldemort! And Dumbledore!

–96th & Broadway

Overheard by: LeLeLe

Teen girl: He said that Dumbledore takes it up the ass. Seriously.

–1 train

Overheard by: Silverhawk

High school thug girl: Yo dead ass, Harry Potter is hot.

–Houston & Green

Overheard by: chedr

Perverted tween: I wonder how many old women are into Dumbledore. They must be like "oooooohh! Dumbledooooooore!"

–D train

Overheard by: tanechka

Drunk 20-something woman on cell: I’ve fallen off the Voldemort wagon!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: McFreaky

Posted on May 19, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Backdoor, Beauty, Books & Writing, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Default, Drunks, Education, Foreigners, Girls, Guys, Magic, Movies, On the Subway, Port Authority, Public Transportation, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Students, Teens, The Village, Thugs, Tweens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Mangy, Flea-Bitten Wednesday One-Liners

Lady on cell: So, I don’t know if I should get a coffee table or a dog…

–Stanton & Essex

Woman, about her dog: No, no one ever asks me if he’s ugly. I think he’s the most beautiful dog in the world. In fact, he looks exactly like Humphrey Bogart!

–25th & 7th

Asian chick on cell: … Haha, yeah… Well, I hope so! I mean, I had to sell my dog for it…

–107th & Broadway

Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze

Hipster girl to another: We should mate your dog with my cat.

–Hanover Square & Water St

Guy in puffy coat to NYU student: Hey, you — you wanna buy a puppy? [Opens coat revealing puppy.] It’s cheap.

–Union Square

Overheard by: The Meganator

Posted on May 19, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Man's Best Friend, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners, a Worldwide Pants Production

Man on cell: The notebook is perfect and it also fits down my pants.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: I Love You Alex

Hipster girl: So, as I was tasting him… Oh! My pants just unbuttoned!

–W 12th St

Overheard by: Paige

Conductor: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is our last stop, Grand Central Station. Please make sure you have your purses, pants, makeup and fake eyebrows.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Meaghan

High school goomba on cell: He’s just mad because I’ve got my own style. Y’know, I decided what I wanted to be like — y’know, how I wanted to look — and went with it. Just wait until summer — he won’t be able to touch me. Yo, do you know how hard it is to find white pants in Staten Island if you’re a guy? I had to go to Brooklyn to get them!

–S48 bus, Staten Island

Overheard by: It’s not part of the uniform?

Girl on cell: Just pull your pants down and take it like a man!

–E 12th & 3rd Avenue

Overheard by: Mistres Silver

Dude: Remember when that Turkish girl stuck her hands in my pants? I was like, ‘Hold on. You’re Muslim and I’m Texan — I don’t think this is gonna work.’

–Cheapshots

Overheard by: B

Man to lady: I need pants desperately. I can’t wait!

–32nd & Broadway

Posted on May 19, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Books & Writing, Clothing, Global Geography, NYC Geography, Public Transportation, Sex, Stupidity, U.S. Geography, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners’ Eyes Are Bigger Than Their Stomachs

20-something woman: Is she a bialy in real life?

–Tomo sushi, 110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred

Very large black woman on cell phone, bellowing: I don’t do no motherfucking corn bread! Why the fuck you always want corn bread, motherfucker?

–St. Luke’s-Roosevelt Hospital, 114th & Amsterdam

Punk girl to another: I wish I was a muffin. But I’m not. I’m a human.

–B Train

Overheard by: id rather be a cupcake

Black Whole Foods employee to black whole Foods customer: You have to be raised on it, you hear me? I was raised on c-town, key foods. I ain’t gonna pay no 4 dollars for no eggs.

–Union Square Whole Foods

Clueless suit on cell: I’m just really bad at knowing if stuff is perishable or not. I just don’t know. Ok, so ice cream -that’s perishable, right? Butter -non-perishable. Caviar isn’t perishable either… Wait, what? Oh, butter is perishable? Wait, how do you know? Does perishable mean it has to be kept in the fridge? Ok, so does caviar have to be kept in the fridge?

–E 60th St

Angry 20-something on cell phone: Why? Why? Because I can’t eat spaghetti-o’s anymore!

–E 13th St & 1st Ave

Posted on May 19, 2015
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Black People, Compare/Contrast, Food, Hospitals, Insults, Kosher food, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Punks, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Stupidity, Suits, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Whole Foods, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Learn About the Natives Using Participant Observation

Tour guide: If you’re going to be in New York for at least a year, I’d recommend going to an outer borough.

–Bowling Green

Woman, looking at dirty man talking on cell with shirt open: That, that right there, oh, yes, that is sooo New York.

–Worth & Broadway

Overheard by: Half Shirt

Office worker: We’ve lived in New York too long. Instead of saying “ridiculously overpriced” we say “upscale.”

–Office, Carnegie Hall

Overheard by: inge

Crazy man: The subways have names and letters and numbers. They are not colors. Don’t you dare call them by colors. They have names and letters and numbers. The 4 is not the green train; it is the IRT Lexington Avenue Express. The 6 is not the green train; it is the IRT Lexington Avenue Local. An idiot in Brooklyn asks for the orange train at King’s Highway. It is not the orange train. It is the F train. He should be deported to Mars for calling it the orange train! The trains have names and letters and numbers! And you never call 6th Avenue the Avenue of the Americas!

–Uptown R train

Lady, amongst a crowd of women, shoving and stripping to their underwear to try on designer clothes: Oh my God! I am so not New York enough for this!

–Barney’s Warehouse Sale, 17th between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: Dr. Mary

Girl: Being a New Yorker is great. You get to give the finger to everybody and nobody seems to care. I love this city!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Jen

Tourist: These people must love their sandwiches! There are so many Subways here!

–Times Square

Posted on May 18, 2015
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Crazies, Money & Class, Office, On the Subway, Only in New York, Stupidity, Times Square, Tourism, Tourists, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Are Potty Mouths

Man in stall, struggling: Damn you, Taco Bell!

–Bathroom, John Jay College

Girl on cell in stall: I liked him better when he was homeless.

–Bathroom, Lerner Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: Sydney

Drunk hipster in stall: Don’t get the kielbasa sandwich.

–Club Warsaw, Williamsburg

Overheard by: nickporjr

Man on cell in stall: Hold on a second, honey. [Biological sounds] Okay, I’m back. Look, there’s no way to say this other than right out. This week together made me think things over. Will you marry me?

–Office bathroom, 44th & Lex

Overheard by: Tony

Drunk girl in stall, to herself: Okay, this time let’s try not to pee all over my jeans.

–Cabana, Maritime Hotel

Girl in stall: Uggghhh! Fuck… [Panting] Fuck!

–Bathroom, Fordham Law School

Overheard by: Seriously concerned

Guy at urinal: Oh yeah, son! Yeah, I am dominating this shit!

–Library Bathroom, Fordham University

Posted on May 17, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Pee, Poop, Stall Spies, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Highlights for Wednesday One-Liners

Toddler in stroller: Step one, cut a hole in the box… Step two, put your junk in the box! Step three, make her open the box!

–Dressing room, Bloomingdale’s

Nine-year-old boy on cell: It’s not that I don’t understand your vision, I just don’t agree with it.

–Bus stop, 79th & 5th

Overheard by: Melly Mel

Eight-year-old boy whining: Dad, I’m thirsty! I wanna go to the liquor store!

–Central Park

Overheard by: admiring their childrearing practices

Four-year-old boy to nanny: I talk to strangers! I talk to strangers! Why are you squeezing my hand so hard?!

–60th & Lex

Little boy, after bumping into a girl: Sorry, my ass is broken.

–City Hall Subway Station

Overheard by: Miss Adventure

Three-year-old girl waiting in check-out line: Mommy, I hate this store! Are we in the suburbs?

–Trader Joe’s, Union Square

Little British girl: Mummy, when I die can I be here?

–Evolution, Spring St

Overheard by: stephanie

Posted on May 17, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Kids, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Does a Threesome With Twins Break the Wednesday One-Liner Taboo?

Suit to another: He was just lucky not to be fucking someone in his family!

–Trump Building

Overheard by: Guess I'm lucky too

Gamer on headset: Dude, you are not listening to me. You can't hear me. You know why? Because you have no ears. You're the product of two retarded cousins fucking each other.

–Queens

Girl: He looks like my uncle… the one I'm really attracted to.

–Governors Island ferry

Overheard by: boring

Male passerby: I wouldn't fuck my family, but…

–4th Ave & 11th St

Overheard by: Jessica

British professor wearing bow tie: It's fascinating just how exciting incest is!

–Silver Center, NYU