Guy: I would literally sell a toe right now to have someone do this paper for me. Any toe. Literally, any one.
Girl: Really? Any one? Even the big one? ‘Cause then you couldn’t wear thong sandals… Or have a girlfriend.
Guy: Fuck that. I want to wear thong sandals.
–Columbia University
Teen girl #1: Yeah, so being Jewish is worlds of fun. We are better than everyone else.
Teen girl #2: I want to be Jewish!
Mom of girl #1: Sorry, honey, we are the chosen people.
Queer passerby: Not with that nose, honey.
–19th & 5th
Girl #1: When I got the shit beat out of me last year it broke my septum and I had to get surgery on my nose.
Girl #2: You did not get the shit beat out of you! A homeless woman punched you in the face!
–NYU
Tween girl #1: I don’t understand why anyone would be pro-life.
Tween girl #2: Yeah, I’m gonna get my tubes tied once I’m old enough.
–16th & 2nd
Overheard by: alex duncan
Hipster girl: You know Mabel’s dead, right?
Hipster boy: [Snickers.]
–9th St & Ave B
Overheard by: Rebecca Katherine Hirsch
Headline by: troy
Runners-Up:
· “And hen I heard about 9/11 I laughed so hard the milk came out my nose” – David Reitmeyer
· “If I Knew You Were Going To Take That Attitude, I’d Never Have Named The Fetus” – ED
· “Stan never thought about the awkward exchange AFTER you put your girlfriend’s cat in the microwave” – alexcalibur
· “There are people named mabel who are still ALIVE?!” – mimi marquez
Busker with jackhammer vibrato: Some say looooooooove it is a huuuuuuuuuuuuunger…
Suit: I'm going to chew off my cortex.
–1 Train
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Irritated man to girlfriend: Oh my god! You are so fucking stupid!
Girlfriend: You are so mean! (stops suddenly) Oh my god! I just got ranch dressing in my ear!
–Times Square
Young man: I think I hurt my throat when impersonating Mark having an orgasm.
–Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Harmony Davis
Older queer to boyfriend: Uh! Uh! I'm gonna cum! I'm gonna cum! I have to have this record! It's so good! It makes me orgasm!
–W 72nd S, Record Store
Overheard by: Never achieved an orgasm that way…
Punk kid to two friends: I want to pierce my shaft and put different things in it so I can give girls better orgasms.
–West Village
Overheard by: Andy & Nick
Man on pay phone: I want to come all over your cock.
–Astor Place
Overheard by: sofia
Drunk chick, loudly as the bar goes silent: I could make you come with one finger!
–Bar, Fulton St
Overheard by: Izzy
Chick #1: Girl, my feets is killin’ me. I’s goin’ home, gettin’ in bed, put on the TV. I’m done.
Chick #2: Change your name to Saran, ’cause it’s a wrap.
–Times Square station
Eight-year-old brother speaking to four year old brother in high pitched witches voice: First I’ll burn you to a black crisp in a huge oven, then I’ll start with your flesh…
Four-year-old: What will it taste like?
Eight-year-old brother, without pausing: It will taste like a delicious steak, then I ‘ll eat your teeth and they’ll taste like crackers! But your hair, your hair will be completely burned off.
Four-year-old: [Giggles maniacally.]
–C Train
Overheard by: never having kids
