Breaking Up

Hush, Little Wednesday, Don't You One-Liner

Mother to screaming child: Please stop crying and put your coat on. I am not hurting you or torturing you, so please stop crying.

–4th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: olivejuice

Father to kid who just started crying: Hey, stop! I thought I told you to wait until we got home!

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Lucian

Guy to girl, on Valentine's Day: You look fat when you cry.

–Cobble Hill

Overheard by: MJB

Hispanic man on phone to girlfriend: Ma, why you cryin?! You should be breaking up with me because I hit you!

–Staten Island Ferry

Guy to girlfriend: I'm sorry I pulled your hair while you were crying.

–Bowery & 2nd

Getting Wednesdayed Is Easy; Staying One-Linered Is Hard

Man to woman: Well, I've already been in two successful marriages…

–Hudson River Park

Talkative husband to blase wife: We've been married for over a year, who would not like us?

–F Train

Overheard by: Elise

Girl: So, when you say "married," is that like "married-and-just-not-divorced-yet," or like "married-married-and-actually-living-together"?

–6 Train

Woman on cell: Well, it's a good thing you didn't marry Susan's brother, because he ended up losing a testicle.

–DUMBO, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Megan

Woman on cell: Sorry, but if I wanted to be heavily sedated and drunk all day, I'd marry you.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Josh

Guy with eye patch: If a girl eats out your ass on the first date, you marry her!

–77th & 34th

For Some Reason, I Keep Ordering Things That Aren't On It

Friend #1: So how is your husband?
Friend #2: For some reason I keep on sleeping with his best friend.
Friend #1: What!
Friend #2: Yeah girl…I'm leaving him. So what do you want to order from the menu?

–Restaurant Queens

And in the Face, Too

Girl #1 (about girl #2's ex): But would you shoot him?
Girl #2: Yeah. Wellll… Maybe not in the face. I mean, I don't know if I would have the heart to, like, shoot him. At least not in the face. But I would stab him. Definitely I would stab him. No questions asked.

–N Train

Overheard by: Thea Colton

That, or a Botched Suicide Attempt

Middle aged woman: When you hear him say that, you just grab some cake and ice cream.
Younger woman: Why?
Middle aged woman: Because that means he just dumped you…and you'll need to gain some weight to make him feel like asshole.

–Central Park

Yeah, That’s What I’ll Miss the Most

Guy #1: He left me yesterday.
Guy #2: What a cock sucker.

–E 2nd St & Gravesend Neck Rd

No One Can Dick You Over Without Your Consent

Older sister: I mean, you handled that breakup really well. If I didn't see you that weekend, I would have never known something went wrong. He totally dicked you over…
Little sister: He didn't totally dick me over, he was a total dick. There's a difference.

–NYU

Nobody Knows the Trouble Wednesday One-Liners Seen

Hobo to white guy walking with three black friends: What's up, slave owner?

–The Village

Girl on phone: We should practice selling ourselves to each other.

–Subway Sandwiches, 38th & 7th

Crazy man on train: America! America! Anybody wanna buy some white people?

–A Train

Ditzy girl to friend: So I had this black boyfriend one time, and we had to break up because he kept talking about slavery. I was all, hello, I'm Czech, my people were slaves too.

–Columbia University School of Social Work

Overheard by: Eric

Black toddler to mortified white nanny: Wanna play slave?

–Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn

Isn't That What Divorce Court Is?

Blazed girl #1: So what I'm saying is: 50% of American marriages end in divorce and the other 50% end in death.
Blazed girl #2: There's no other way for them to end?
Blazed girl #3: Oh, I forgot: 1% of American marriages end in sending your husband to the moon.
Blazed girl #2: No seriously, there must be some other way.
Blazed girl #3: Oh, yes: 2% of American marriages end in feeding your husband to a whale. He's still alive, but he's inside a whale, so you're not married.
Blazed girl #2: But what about if you go to a foreign country and you're still married to your husband but you, like, marry all the other guys you want?
Blazed girl #4: Well, you're still married. Also, there's no country where that's legal. So, no.
Blazed girl #3: Oh, I forgot: 1.5% of American marriages end in putting your husband in a glass box, like in a cage. And watching him do tricks.

–86 Bus

Overheard by: I like Blazed Girl #3

Here’s Where the Story Ends, Wednesday One-liners

Hipster on cell: Best case scenario is: I talk, and you say
nothing. We have nothing to talk about.

–65th & 2nd

Overheard by: Gregorio and Robyn

Queer: Instead of cheating, I define it as an indiscretion.

–Posh, W. 51st Street

Overheard by: Nick Salvato

Dude on cell: …yeah..you are breaking up…wha? no…I meant your voice is breaking up…nope…wha? no…I don’t want to break up with you…hello…hello…

–West 4th & Macdougal

Dude on cell: So how’s the single life?…Well, that’s good, because if you were pregnant, I’d stick my fist in your twat and pull that thing outta there…I said, I’d stick my fist in your twat. Yeah, I would…Because I’m not really ready to be a dad right now, you know?

–LIRR

Overheard by: maura johnston

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