Mother: When you go into the stall do not sit down on that toilet seat!
Girl: OK, Mommy.
Mother closes the door and goes into the next stall.
Girl: Mommy?
Mother: Yes?
Girl: I’m sittin’ all over this toilet!
Mother: Girl, I told you not to sit on that toilet!
–Wendy’s ladies room, W. 34th and 8th Ave
Employee: I bring my beer in the shower with me and I put it on the ledge so it doesn’t get wet. Sometimes I also have a couple of shots in the kitchen.
–Office, Midtown
Overheard by: Jenny Rogers
Janitor, looking at bathroom floor: Oh, I don't need this! Look at this water all over the floor! All over the place! Why don't you clean your pussy at home? Pour Evian all over the floor so you can clean your pussy–clean your dirty pussy at home! I don't need this! Water all over the floor!
–Bathroom, Port Authority Bus Terminal
20-something girl to friend returning from restroom: There you are! I almost sent a search party.
Friend: Yeah, I, uhm, had to go do number two.
20-something girl, enthusiastically: Awesome!
Friend: Yeah, I love a good number two.
20-something girl: Me too, man! Alriiiight! (raises hands for a high-five, then hesitates) Wait, you washed your hands, right?
Friend: Yeah, of course.
20-something girl, with renewed enthusiasm: Alriiiight! (they high five)
–Ikea, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Good thinking.
Guy: Do you have any Irish Spring soap?
Cashier: No, I don't know what that is.
Guy: Irish Spring soap! To wash your balls with! Don't you wash your balls?
–Grocery, Flatbush Ave
Overheard by: Diana
Girl: Lisa went down on me while I was on my period. I decided just to roll with it.
–Frying Pan Bar
Professor: Let's all go home and menstruate! My goal in this class is to get all of you on the same schedule.
–NYU
Overheard by: Leslie
Upscale female suit on cell: I'm totally on the rag, but you can still lick my asshole.
–Park Slope
Overheard by: The Trooper
Gay guy on cell: I'm so cranky, I feel like I'm a girl who's on her period and pregnant.
–Park Ave & 29th St
Big black guy, loudly on phone: Why you bitchin at me because I won't cleeeeen behind you? I'm not gonna clean your nasty period ass offa the toilet! (nearby people begin laughing) Bitch, even the people on the streets be laughing at you!
–123rd St & Manhattan Ave
Annoying tween: Oh my god, my dad made me use this, like, Salon brand shampoo. Oh my god, look at this volume! There's nothing! (two friends nod) And, guess what? It also smells like llama spit! (two friends look confused) You want to know how I know what llama spit smells like? My dad once got spat on in the face by a llama!
–1 Train
Overheard by: Lily
Drunk girl to hipster boyfriend: How come my hair always gets stuck in your mustache?!
Boy: I don't have a mustache.
Drunk girl: You know what I meant, boy! A beard! My hair always gets caught on it! Do you ever get food in there? Or coffee? Do you get a little sick if you sleep with a wet mustache? (pause) Oh, I'm just messing… (laughs at herself) but I hope you've been washing that thing with shampoo and conditioner every day!
–West Village
Bridge and tunnel #1: You can't be a germophobe in New York, dude.
Bridge and tunnel #2: Are you kidding? I wash my hands before I wipe my ass in this city.
–G Train
Overheard by: …fair point
Girl #1: Oh my god, I can't wait to get home and take a shower… I feel so disgusting right now!
Girl #2: You feel disgusting!? I'm not even wearing panties right now, because I fucked some random guy in the bathroom at the bar last night, and my panties fell in a puddle of piss. I definitely need a shower!
–LGA Airport Taxi Line
Overheard by: Joe
