Clothing

Wednesday One-Liners are Part of New York City… Technically

Hipster girl: ‘Flushing Queens’ would be a great name for a man.

–Barnard College

Overheard by: Beautiful Barnard Woman

Drunk dude watching girl rip the shirt off a guy: What, no blood? Queens is lame.

–Shea Stadium

Boyfriend to girlfriend: Prepare to be blown away by the majesty of Queens!

–E train platform, Penn Station

Conductor: This is a Queens-bound A train.

–Brooklyn-bound A train

Overheard by: Maggie

Conductor: This is a Queens-bound… No, Manhattan-bound… No, Queens… Wait, hang on. This is a Manhattan-bound E train. Next stop: 53rd and Lex… Shit.

–Manhattan-bound E train, 53rd & Lex

Announcement over the subway: This is not the Queens-bound E train. [Half the train empties] This is the Queens-bound E train.

–E train, Penn Station

Nothing to Compete With That

Girl #1: What did you do last night?
Girl #2: Wandered around Goldman Sachs with a Sesame Street pillow. You?
Girl #1: Um…

–Tom’s Diner, Morningside Heights

Overheard by: Ladle

Yup. I Could Tell from That Nauseated Look on Your Face.

Woman #1 in elevator: Why aren't you wearing a jacket? You're going to be freezing!
Woman #2: I don't need one. It's because I'm fat.
Woman #1: (silence)
Woman #2: You know it's true. You're not saying anything because you know I'm fat. Most people would say, “No, no, no. You're not fat!” but you're not saying that because you think I'm fat. Think about it.
Woman #1: I'm thinking about it.

–39th St

Ssshhh! DSS Is Listening.

Mother: Honey, put on your shirt. This is a shirt and shoes kind of place.
Small boy: But you let me at home!

–Brooklyn Botanical Garden

Overheard by: Jonathan K.

Maybe Suit Needs a Mom, Too

Chick: Mine is the one that’s not a dead animal.
Mom: The dead animal is mine…Actually, it’s many animals. Many vicious animals. They deserved to die, to keep me warm!

–ViceVersa, West 51st Street

Overheard by: Mic Cruz

The Protocols of the Elders of Fashion

Woman #1: Are you Jewish?
Woman #2: Do I look Jewish? No, I’m not Jewish. I wear pants.

–B1 bus

Betty Wisely Refrained from Asking Why

20-ish girl: Can I ask you a personal question?
Friend: Yeah.
20-ish girl: When you hook up with a guy and you want him to take your shirt off, do you put your arms up?
Friend: Ummm… No.
20-ish girl: Well, that’s what I did the other day when I wanted my mom to take my shirt off…

–59th & Lex

Something Men Tell Each Other They Won’t Tell You

Thug #1: … And you could smell that shit through her jeans, yo! That shit was nasty!
Thug #2: Bitch needs to be fuckin’ introduced to Mr. Clean or some shit!

–Outside Francis Lewis High, Queens

We're Jewish, Dad

Son having tantrum: I don't want to go to the park! (throws his coat on the ground)
Father: Did you just take your coat off? I'm going to tell the Virgin Mary you're not wearing your coat, and then you know it will get back to Santa!

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: canvasser

You May Need to Exfoliate and Moisturize

Teenage girl #1: Ew, I have such bad dandruff. I need to like get rid of it because I can never wear black.
Teenage girl #2: Ew I know, me too! Except I have crotch dandruff.
Teenage girl #1: Umm… What’s that?
Teenage girl #2: I don’t know but every time I scratch my crotch it looks like it’s snowing.

–A Train

Overheard by: Does that mean she can’t wear black pants?

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