Confused man: Does this train stop at 48th St?
Four random people, in unison: No!
Train conductor on loudspeaker: The next stop is 48th Street.
(confused man looks even more confused)
–Downtown V Train
Overheard by: jonescicles
Confused man: Does this train stop at 48th St?
Four random people, in unison: No!
Train conductor on loudspeaker: The next stop is 48th Street.
(confused man looks even more confused)
–Downtown V Train
Overheard by: jonescicles
Conductor, speaking in a robot voice: Watch the gap, watch the gap, watch the gap, watch the gap, watch the gap, watch… Sorry, my finger fell off the button. Watch the gap.
–LIRR
Train conductor: This is a Brooklyn-bound A experience to Lefferts boulevard. Have an optimistic day!
–A Train
Overheard by: soothed passenger
Conductor, in droll voice: For the fifteenth million time, there is train traffic ahead.
–1 Train
Conductor: This is 207th street, the last and final stop. Please collect all your personal belongings and leave the train. Goodnight and happy wabbit season.
–A Train
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Conductor: Thank you for riding on the C line, the best subway line in the whole, wide world.
–C Train
Overheard by: traPt
Conductor: If you want to get off at South Ferry, please go to the first five cars of the train. All passengers getting off at South Ferry, please move along the platform to the first five cars of the train. Yes, the front of the train is the direction the train was moving.
–1 Train
Conductor: We apologize for the delay, but this happens on the weekends. For info on service changes log onto www.mta.info. If you don’t have a computer, watch NY1, if you don’t have a TV, listen to 1010 Wins, if you don’t have a radio, call 718-330-1234, if you don’t have a phone, go home and wait for a miracle.
–N Train
Overheard by: subway rider
Woman to friends: Girl, you know how to do some rollers?
Friend: Damn, honey, I don't know how to do none of that shit. I could braid, I could perm, but that's it. You know that bitch Julia, she Mexican. She could do it. She know how to multitask.
Conductor: Please watch the gap as you exit the train, ladies and gentlemen.
Friend: Damn! That's a big ass gap, my ass almost fell over!
–Shuttle to Times Square
Italian conductor over loudspeaker: Everyone, get the fuck away from the doors and get on this fucking train. Every fucking day the same shit. You’re only hurting yourselves, morons! Fucking inconsiderate assholes. You either get on or get the fuck off!
Conductor #2: Mike, man, come on.
Italian conductor: Fuck this, man. We’re going express!
–7 train, Junction Blvd
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we’re being delayed, but we will be moving shortly. We’re having a door problem — someone at the front of the train is holding them open.
–3 train, Franklin Ave
Conductor: Get the hell out of the doors… Now! Not when you feel like it! Damn locals.
–2 train
Overheard by: mo love
Conductor: I know you are not holding the doors on my train! I’ll kick your ass!
–1 train
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is a One train directly behind this train. Please stand clear of the closing doors [repeats this three times]. Alright, if people don’t stop holding the doors we gonna put this train out of service and then everyone be on the platform! Is that what you want?!
–2 train
Over the PA: Do not hold the doors. Holding the doors causes delayed service. Delayed service causes late service.
–Shuttle Platform, Grand Central
Conductor: If you do not step away from the doors the train will keep sitting here, you will not get where you are going, and I will still get paid.
–S train
Teen scene girl: And that's a whole fucking different story! You always said you wanted to die having a heart attack in a car!
–57th & 3rd
Overheard by: Duluthian
Guy in line: I haven't had a corn dog since Jim Belushi died.
–Nathan's, Coney Island
Creepy guy on cell: Hey. Did you hear about the Craigslist killer? Yeah, isn't that a great idea?
–Penn Station
20-something irritated man on cell: Dude, stop freaking out! They're probably not going to do the autopsy for another three days.
–8th Ave & 15th St
Conductor: Please, no one cross cars, if the train makes a turn you will fall through, get crushed and die, thank you and have a lovely evening. Oh, and it's lovely to be alive.
–Amtrak Train to Penn Station
Overheard by: Paige
Swaying hobo with outstretched arms, as it starts to drizzle: I make it rain, I make it rain, I make it rain on you, hoes!
–14th St & University Place
Conductor over PA, on sunny 50-degree day: Due to inclement weather, the 2 and 3 trains will be running on the local track.
–Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: Ladle
Bag lady: I'm not selling ass, just panhandling. It's too cold.
–9th Ave & 25th St
Really tall dude to no one in particular, very energetically: It's a beautiful day, oh my god! I'm gonna cancel all my appointments and go on a walk!
–2nd & Bedford
Angry stranded guy: And you were all like "it doesn't snow in the city, there are too many cars!"
–Bleecker St
Large black woman to another: So I said to him, "Muthafucka, don't you know a baby comes out of that shit? Ain't nothing you got down there gonna hurt me!"
–Fulton St
Old man with thick Russian accent: It is fresher than a baby's bottom!
–Ave M & E 16th, Brooklyn
Ghetto black guy on phone: Nah, I was locked up, but I'm out now, and she's tryin' to say it's my baby, but that shit ain't mine.
–Downtown 2 Train
Man on cell, passing adorable child playing with dog: I love fucking babies!
–10th & 53rd
Puerto Rican girl to pregnant friend: You feel like you have to poop, but that's just the baby.
–36th St & 34th Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Bryan Bruner
Conductor: Ma'am, please step off the ramp platform and wait until it is safe. (pause) Miss, you're having a frickin' baby, get off the ramp! (she does) Thank you.
–Metro-North Rail Tracks
Overheard by: Theonlyonewhoseemedtonotice
Teenage mother to friends, running to catch subway: Last one gets the baby!
–Broadway
Overheard by: Francisco S. Ramírez
Conductor, after fat girl vomits and dances on it: Attention passengers, if you are going to vomit on this train, go to the bathroom. If you can not make it to the bathroom, vomit on yourself. Do not dance in your own vomit, and do not vomit on my train. Thank you.
–Babylon Line, Penn Station
Overheard by: Feta Cheese
Little girl on dad’s shoulders: Hmmm. Beer. I’m not really a fan of that anymore.
–Outside MSG
Overheard by: eric p
Guy on cell: Dude, I’m sayin’, it’s like every single time we have sex she is drunk! Sooo drunk… [Sighs.]
–Canal St
20-something chick on cell: Well, they do say alcohol solves problems…
–Houston & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Chris
NJ transit conductor: We are now approaching New York Penn Station. If you are traveling with any small children, the elderly, or drunk people, please escort them off of the train — maybe by the hand — because there is a wide gap between the train and the platform.
–Penn Station
Mom to wobbling little girl: Are you a drunken sailor? Drunken sailor, yay!
–Liberty St & South End Ave
Overheard by: julia
British girl to two friends: … And I knew he was drunk that night because he fell over.
–R train from Brooklyn
Overheard by: Mark
