Cum

But It's the New Trend in Long-Distance Relationships!

Angry young man: She fucking broke up with me over a handjob!
Impassive friend: Well, how did that happen?
Angry young man: I was about to cum, and she was there, right there!, you know? Between my legs! So I told her I was going to, and she just fuckin' stared at me. I was like, “Baby, this is coming.” Seriously. It does happen. “Lift your shirt up or something,” I said to her. You know? And she just, fuckin', on her knees, shuffles backwards and to her left–a good three yards away- still whacking me off. So, I'm like, “Baby, what the fuck? You can't give a handjob from across the room.” You know, dude? That's like one of those fucking old people extending claw arm shits jerking you off from the corner when you're sitting in the center of your room! Fuck, dude!
Impassive friend, laughing: Yo, I'd blue-ball you, too, if you called me a fucking robot while I was getting you off!

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: FrankALank

Moral Of the Story: Even the Deaf Can Be Pervs.

Woman, demonstrating American Sign Language: Meaning is so dependent on the duration of the sign. This (makes gesture) means “thirst,” but this (makes gesture) means “lust.”
Man: I guess it depends on what kind of fluid you want.

–1 Train

Of Course, We're All Afraid She's Gonna Choke

Guy: She should be taking on an extra load now.
Girl: She should be taking everyone's load.

–PATH

Are You Saying They're Bad News and Full Of Splooge?

Stressed woman, on the verge of tears: She thinks because she's fourteen she can come home whenever she wants and treat me however she wants!
Male friend: Kids are young, dumb, and full of cum!
Stressed woman: True, dat.

–E Train

Overheard by: Luis

Our Site Wouldn't Be the Same Without the Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo to long-haired hipster playing around with remote-control car: Get a job, asshole!

–Norfolk & Rrivington, Lower East Side

Overheard by: globalvillageidiot

Hobo to passerby: Hey, wanna cum on my ass?

–72nd St & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Rei

Hobo to girl giving him money: Not too much, gorgeous!

–13th St & University

Hobo: What time is bedtime at the Neverland ranch? When the big hand touches the little hand! (pause) Why does Michael Jackson like twenty-seven year olds? Because there's twenty of them!

–1 Train

Bag lady, screaming and chasing a suit: You muthafucka, you stole my 401k! I'ma getchya and take it back!

–52nd & 6th

Overheard by: Get me out of Finance

Your Editors Are Trying Valiantly to Imagine a Nonsexual “It”

Manly boyfriend, excitedly: And then he pulled it down, and it was a monkey face! A monkey face, a monkey face, every time a monkey face!
Girlfriend: Wow! Oh my god, wow!

–9th & University

Overheard by: Kristina Lustig

That One Only Works on Serial Killers

Girl holding Cosmopolitan magazine, showing page to friend: Whoa! Read number eleven!
Friend: Will you guys please shut up?
Friend reading magazine: Oh, I've done that.
Girl with magazine: Wait…what's a “come-hither motion”?
Other friend, looking up at ceiling: Please kill me now.

–E Train

Overheard by: AES

Wait– Didn't You Give Your Mom Hoop Earrings for Christmas?

Girl, telling joke: A seven-year-old daughter said to her mother: “Today in school I learned where babies come from.”
Mother: Oh, really?
Daughter: Yea, a mommy and daddy take off all their clothes, the mommy makes the dad happy and his thingy stands up a little. Then the mommy puts the thingy in her mouth and the thingy stands up all the way and explodes, and that's where babies come from.
Mother: No, honey, that's where jewelry comes from.
(laughs)
Guy listening, with horrified face: Wait a second, my mom has a shitload of jewelry. Oh, goddammit, eewwwwwwwwwwwww!
Girl: I'm never going to look at your mom the same way ever again.

–Arthur Avenue

Overheard by: Reza Daneshvar

Wednesday One-Liners, If You Know What I Mean

Woman to security guard: Excuse me, did you see a man with a really large package? I'm looking for a man with a large package. Did he come by yet?

–51st St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Rob

LIRR worker, yelling over tracks to another who is carrying huge bolt fastener: Hey! Nice nuts!

–Woodside Station

Overheard by: Jobee

Lab instructor, showing students how to breathe carbon dioxide by blowing into the test tube through a straw: Don't blow too hard, or else the whole thing will come up all over your face.

–Biology Lab, Hunter College

Overheard by: did anyone else catch that?

Very old woman to decorative hardware salesman: It's become such a problem–I just can't seem to keep my knobs tight anymore!

–Gracious Home, 67th St & Broadway

Mother waiting for kid in the bathroom: Billy, will you stop singing and just come?

–Waiting Room, Grand Central

Wanna Come Over and See My Antlers?

Guy #1: Shoot him in the dick!
Girl playing Big Buck Hunter: I like dicks, but usually I make them do the shooting!
Guy #2: I like where this is headed!

–Black Bear Lodge

Overheard by: DR G LUV

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