Wednesday One-Liners Forgot Their Coffee This Morning

Train conductor: This is New York Penn Station. New York Penn. For those of you who are just waking up, this is Penn Station. If you are supposed to get off at New York Penn, wake up and get off now! (train leaves) Those of you who are just waking up: if you were supposed to get off at New York Penn Station, you just missed it! I told you to get up!

–Amtrak Train

College guy: Last night I woke up on an oriental rug and I had no idea where I was.

–Sheep Meadow, Central Park

Hispanic lady: Quiet down, some people are trying to sleep!

–6 Train

Man to friend: She can sleep in the closet.

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Wait what?

Loud pharmaceutical salesman to doctor: They say that New York is the city that never sleeps, right? You know why? You know why? Herpes!

–Doctor's Office, Astoria

Woman on cell: So I walked into a room and she's there, chained to a chair. And he had a gun, pointing it at me, saying he was gonna shoot me. Then I started crying. And he fucking shot her. (people on bus look worried) And then I woke up.

–M4 Bus

Overheard by: trev

Posted on September 16, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Brooklyn, Bus, Central Park, Clerks, Conductors, Crying, Directions, Doctors, Frat Boys, Friends, Latinos, Men, Office, On Cell, On the Bus, One-liners, Only in New York, Parks, Passengers, Public Transportation, Questions, Shoot, STDs, Stupidity, Threats, Trains Not Subway, Weapons, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

And Stay As Far Away from Me As Possible

Girl #1: No way, where is that?
Girl #2: St. Mark's.
Girl #1: No way! I live right there. Where on St. Mark's?
Girl #2: St. Mark's and 2nd Avenue.
Girl #1: No way! That's where I live! Should I get my hair cut there?
Girl #2: No.

–Park Ave South

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Posted on September 13, 2009
Directions, Girls, Hair, Questions, Street

So, Technically True…

Tourist dad: Sorry, but where are we right now?
Local: Midgard.
Tourist dad: Thanks! Wait, what?

–Union Square

Overheard by: kabu

Posted on August 29, 2009
Dads, Directions, Global Geography, Questions, Strangers, Tourism, Tourists, Union Square and East Village

Long Island Expressway: Nobody Gets Me

Midwestern tourist to New York businesswoman: Is this where I can get the Long Island expressway?
Businesswoman, exasperated: Are you *fucking* kidding me?

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: Kiki

Posted on August 17, 2009
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, Directions, Grand Central, Insults, Midwesterners, Only in New York, Public Transportation, Questions, Suits, Tourism, Train Station

Today on That's So Raven

“Drunk train” conductor: This is Jamaica station, train to Huntington… Please walk across the platform for the shiny train to Hempstead.
Drunk girl: Ohmygod dude, it's like actually shiny.

–Penn Station

Posted on August 15, 2009
Conductors, Directions, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Girls, Penn Station, Public Transportation

I Love a Girl Who Knows What She Wants!

Guy to passerby with Victoria's Secret bag: Hey, where is there a Victoria's Secret around here?
Passerby: A couple blocks down on 5th.
Guy to girlfriend: Come on, we're going to Victoria's Secret.
Girlfriend: Hell no, I'm not going to Victoria's Secret, I'm going to McDonald's and I'm gonna supersize it.

–23rd & 6th

Posted on August 14, 2009
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Directions, Girlfriends, Guys, Height, Junk Food & Fast Food, Questions, Shopping, Strangers

White People Often See the Policeman As Their Friend

Lost tourist lady: Ooooh, look, there's a nice policeman!
Transit cop, cracking up: No, I'm a meeeean policeman, a baaaad policeman. Some people even call me unpleasant. But I'll point ya to where ya wanna go.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Officer Friendly?

Posted on August 10, 2009
Cops, Directions, Penn Station, Stupidity, Tourism, Tourists

Wednesday One-Liners from the Bowels Of the City

Thug teenager to woman shoving umbrella between doors to keep them open: Shit, woman! You'd best pull that umbrella out. This ain't no number train, we will leave yo ass!

–R Train

Very excited middle-aged woman hearing doo-wop singers board train: Woooo! Music train!

–R Train

Overheard by: astoria mets fan

Girl on subway car looking at subway map: What, there's no "you are here"?

–A Train

Overheard by: Rins

20-something girl: Ugh, I hate the subway. They need to, like, invent a, like, above-ground transportation system!

–6 Train

Man walking onto train, slowly: All the premium seats are taken.

–A Train

Overheard by: glad i'm in first class

Posted on August 5, 2009
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Directions, Girls, Gripes, Men, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Questions, Singing, Teens, Thugs, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

1998 Called; It Wants Its Drunken Crooning Back

Conductor: The next stop on this train will be Valley Stream. Next stop, Valley Stream. And please, no singing Britney Spears on this train.
Crowd of beach teens: Awwwww!

–LIRR

Overheard by: mersayseh