Family Ties

Wait– Didn't You Give Your Mom Hoop Earrings for Christmas?

Girl, telling joke: A seven-year-old daughter said to her mother: “Today in school I learned where babies come from.”
Mother: Oh, really?
Daughter: Yea, a mommy and daddy take off all their clothes, the mommy makes the dad happy and his thingy stands up a little. Then the mommy puts the thingy in her mouth and the thingy stands up all the way and explodes, and that's where babies come from.
Mother: No, honey, that's where jewelry comes from.
(laughs)
Guy listening, with horrified face: Wait a second, my mom has a shitload of jewelry. Oh, goddammit, eewwwwwwwwwwwww!
Girl: I'm never going to look at your mom the same way ever again.

–Arthur Avenue

Overheard by: Reza Daneshvar

So I Told Her I Hadn't Seen Him in There, But I'd Check Again

Large man, in t-shirt and shorts, on cell: So I gave my ex-new-girlfriend…
Small man: Ex-new-girlfriend?!
Large man: Let me finish…I gave her a tour of my apartment, and when she asked why my closet door looked like it was about to come off its hinges I told her I had dead babies in there, as a joke. Apparently, her brother died when he was three months old.

–5th & E 78th

For Best Results, Start Encouraging Sibling Rivalry in the Second Trimester

10-year-old daughter: Mommy, why you always belly bumping me?
Mother: That's right. The belly's hitting you.
10-year-old daughter: He's always hitting me, mommy.

–Elevator, Ridge St

Your Perspicaciousness Is Prodigious, You Desiccated Harridan

Teenage girl: Mom! You're being obsequious.
Hip mom: Oh. “Obsequious.” Big word. Either you've started studying for the SATs or you're just pandering to your intellectual higher-ups. My guess is the latter.

–78th St & Broadway

Except When Your Mother Was Pregnant with You; That Shit Was Hilarious

20-something chick (smelling pot and laughing): Woo…better cross the street! Wouldn't want to get high on this second hand smoke!
Middle aged father: Yeah, you're right…first hand is always better!

–4th & Washington Square West

Overheard by: agrees with the dad

So You're Saying He Jokes Around a Lot But Just Isn't Funny

JAP #1: So my father won't let me work for him, I don't understand why. But he is eventually handing over the company to my cousin, the clown.
JAP #2: What do you mean, like he jokes around a lot?
JAP #1: No, he is a real clown.

–88th St & 1st St

Overheard by: well it's still probably better than you…..

But You'll Be Gone Too, Right?

Three-year-old girl: Do you get lots of clothes when you die?
Jamaican nanny: No, not at all. Your daddy will be gone, and your mommy will be gone, and your sister will be gone, and your grandma will be gone. You will be all alone.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Louis

Or Your Congressman

Little kid: Mommy, what's peyote?
Mom, looking around nervously: Ummm…ask your father, sweetie.

–F Train

Wednesdays Carry on Behind Their One-Liners' Backs

Guy on cell: You start dating married women, you end up meeting their husbands.

–49th & 6th

Man on cell (guiltless and disinterested): She said I cheated, duh-duh-duh-duh.

–Church St & Barclay

Overheard by: Robert J. Anderson

Female suit on cell: He cheated on me on my 30th birthday in Nantucket and I called my mom to tell her and she said, "Are you ready to give up that lifestyle? He's wealthy and he's gorgeous. I don't want to hear it." But I want someone to be über-attracted to me.

–19th & 8th

Overheard by: Sebastian White

Dude on cell: Hello? (pause) I told you never to call me on this number. (pause) Because I don't want my wife to find out that we're dating.

–6th Ave & 17th St

Psuedo-gansta to friend: Yo, I would cheat on my wife except then you gotta buy them flowers and chocolate and shit. I'd rather spend money on my wife and be happy at home.

–N Train

Girl on cell, doing laundry: Yeah…and then he says that he has a girlfriend and he doesn't cheat on her…so I said, "Really? Then what was your penis just doing in my mouth?"

–Laundromat, 9th Ave & 53rd St

Overheard by: tinyfoo

“Hello? Pot to Kettle Here. You're Wednesday One-Liners.”

Loud, obnoxious man: I hate loud, obnoxious people!

–Nomad Restaurant

Girl with brutal Long Island twang: It's just, like, if you have a Boston accent, you sound, like, so unintelligent. Like, less intelligent than other people, even if you're smart. The accent makes you sound dumb.

–7 Train

Overheard by: IDigGraves94

Angry black woman: Fuck you! I'm a lady!

–Herald Square

Overheard by: Annearchist

Flamboyantly gay man on the phone: Mom, I hate you, stop being such a faggot!

–46th & 5th

Suit on cell: Yeah? Well, she's a bitch and deserves to die. You wanna know why? Because she's ugly and she talks bad about people.

–47th St & 9th Ave

Tourist chick carrying a Starbucks coffee and three shopping bags to friend: We are the type to visit Wall Street and say capitalism is bullshit!

–Broadway & Cedar

Overheard by: mondoman

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