Friends

Why, Grandmother, What Big Wednesday One-Liners You Have!

Dude to girl: Just yesterday I was smoking a joint and my grandma was all "that smells good, Johnny, that smells good."

–Hop Scotch Cafe

Overheard by: bildita

Girl: Speaking of back-door entry, my grandma sent me an e-mail the other day.

–A Train

Overheard by: naiad

Woman: He's just lucky I learned some tricks from his great grandma.

–Dekalb Ave & Ashland Place

Guy to girl: You look like one of them li'l ass frilly dolls my grandma have on her bed. Cute. (girl stares) What, I'm not gonna get a thank-you for that?

–Canal St.

Overheard by: The

Girl to friend: And so my grandmother was that mail order bride!

–Beauty Salon, East Village

Overheard by: moca

Holy Wednesday One-Liners, Batman!

Agitated man: God gave you a penis and a road map to the world! You don't need maps!

–Washington Square & University Place

Tween: God wants me to get drunk tonight!

–3rd & Mercer

Four-year-old child to mother: Mommy! We have to go to church on Sunday. God is going to repent us on Sunday!

–R Train

Overheard by: Marie

Hobo: And then I fucked god!

–Heckscher Playground, Central Park

Overheard by: Shiki

Jewish girl to friend: Oy! My bagel looks like god jerked off on it.

–Guy & Gallards, 34th & Lexington

Overheard by: Awkwardly eating his breakfast

Drunk girl to drunk friend crying on her coat: It's always so hard when you lose your soulmate in the bathroom line, but it's like, god works in mysterious ways, you know.

–W Train

Overheard by: Wes

George Washington: Man, I was rocking wood grillz before this was even America!

Girl to friend: Hey girl, come over here and let me see your new grillz. (friend comes over and smiles, Flavor Flav style) Daaaamnnnnnnn girl! Where did you get those? They some nice grillz!

–Flatbush Ave & Lincoln Rd

Overheard by: xtina

Who Says New Yorkers Can't Be Gracious?

White guy, yelling to friends: Yo, where are you going? The train is this way!
Random black guy: It's not the fucking train! It's the fucking subway!
White guy: I live in Queens, I know what it's called.
Black guy: You white people are so fucking stupid. You go into the subway to get on a fucking train!
White girl: Well then it's a train!
Black guy: Fuck you, bitch!
White guy: Don't call her a bitch! You don't even know her!
Black guy, getting in their face: Fuck you, nigga! And fuck her! (pause) Wait…have you guys been drinking?
White guy: Yeah.
Black guy: Never mind, then. I was just fucking around. We cool?
(black and white guys laugh about it, shake hands, go their separate ways)

–Union Square

Overheard by: go rangers!

Tonight's Movie: The Italian Job

Hot girl: Every time I look in the mirror, I cry a little bit inside.
Hot girl's friend: Why? But you're like so pretty.
Hot girl: For all the ugly people out there who must feel so unsatisfied with themselves and their nonexistent sex lives when they look at me and think, “wow if only I had such assets. If only my butt jiggled like that.”
Hot girl's friend: What is with you and your obsession with anal intercourse? You can have a perfectly balanced sex life and not engage in anal sex.
Hot girl: Not if you're Italian.
Hot girl's friend: Ohhh, so that's why Italians have such nice asses. All that thrusting must widen the butt cheeks tremendously.

–64th & 1st

To Attain a Future Better Than the Present, You First Have to Imagine It

Teenage Latina to friend: So I want my next man and me to have more in common. My man, he gotta dress ghetto, you know, baggy pants, piercings, and chains, but he can't be no pimp or dirty slut. He can't be having no nasty diseases. He can't have no kids or none on the way and he can't have done no time, yet.
Friend: Gattita, I hear you. But what'cha gonna do with him?
Teenage Latina: Well, he's gonna have to like scary movies and reggaeton, Mexican food, and… (pauses to think for a moment) French fries! You know, them white people's food.
Friend: Holla.

–2 Train

Overheard by: Carrie

And Everyone Knows There's No Such Concept as “Eleven”

Whiny loser: I wish i could win for once.
Jockey winner: There can't be two number ones.
Whiny loser: Oh, that's right, that'll make eleven.

–Time Square

Overheard by: jnigga

How to Tell Whether Someone Just Learned What “Risqué” Means This Morning

Woman to friend, while browsing: I love the 80s, girl. Oh, look. It's Alf on DVD! Did you ever watch that show? It's so different to watch it as an adult. You realize how risqué it is. I mean, it's like watching Three's Company when you're an adult. I mean, it was such a risqué show for its time.

–Virgin Megastore, Union Square

She Really Should Be More Supportive

20-something: Whenever my boyfriend says “dude bro” I think he is saying “dude bra,” which is troublesome.
20-something's friend, who was focused on ice cream: Wait, I'm sorry, I wasn't listening… Did you say Tim wears a dude bra?

–49th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Ashley

Except the Ones I Walked Uphill in the Snow to Procure

Old woman talking to friend: All these kids care about nowadays is sex and drugs and good times.
20-something girl walking by: Hooray!
Old woman, yelling: Good luck! Good luck to you…see where that gets you! I'm seventy one and I haven't done drugs!

–Bedford Ave & N 7th St

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