Friends

Tonight's Movie: The Italian Job

Hot girl: Every time I look in the mirror, I cry a little bit inside.
Hot girl's friend: Why? But you're like so pretty.
Hot girl: For all the ugly people out there who must feel so unsatisfied with themselves and their nonexistent sex lives when they look at me and think, “wow if only I had such assets. If only my butt jiggled like that.”
Hot girl's friend: What is with you and your obsession with anal intercourse? You can have a perfectly balanced sex life and not engage in anal sex.
Hot girl: Not if you're Italian.
Hot girl's friend: Ohhh, so that's why Italians have such nice asses. All that thrusting must widen the butt cheeks tremendously.

–64th & 1st

To Attain a Future Better Than the Present, You First Have to Imagine It

Teenage Latina to friend: So I want my next man and me to have more in common. My man, he gotta dress ghetto, you know, baggy pants, piercings, and chains, but he can't be no pimp or dirty slut. He can't be having no nasty diseases. He can't have no kids or none on the way and he can't have done no time, yet.
Friend: Gattita, I hear you. But what'cha gonna do with him?
Teenage Latina: Well, he's gonna have to like scary movies and reggaeton, Mexican food, and… (pauses to think for a moment) French fries! You know, them white people's food.
Friend: Holla.

–2 Train

Overheard by: Carrie

And Everyone Knows There's No Such Concept as “Eleven”

Whiny loser: I wish i could win for once.
Jockey winner: There can't be two number ones.
Whiny loser: Oh, that's right, that'll make eleven.

–Time Square

Overheard by: jnigga

How to Tell Whether Someone Just Learned What “Risqué” Means This Morning

Woman to friend, while browsing: I love the 80s, girl. Oh, look. It's Alf on DVD! Did you ever watch that show? It's so different to watch it as an adult. You realize how risqué it is. I mean, it's like watching Three's Company when you're an adult. I mean, it was such a risqué show for its time.

–Virgin Megastore, Union Square

She Really Should Be More Supportive

20-something: Whenever my boyfriend says “dude bro” I think he is saying “dude bra,” which is troublesome.
20-something's friend, who was focused on ice cream: Wait, I'm sorry, I wasn't listening… Did you say Tim wears a dude bra?

–49th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Ashley

Except the Ones I Walked Uphill in the Snow to Procure

Old woman talking to friend: All these kids care about nowadays is sex and drugs and good times.
20-something girl walking by: Hooray!
Old woman, yelling: Good luck! Good luck to you…see where that gets you! I'm seventy one and I haven't done drugs!

–Bedford Ave & N 7th St

Wednesdays Carry on Behind Their One-Liners' Backs

Guy on cell: You start dating married women, you end up meeting their husbands.

–49th & 6th

Man on cell (guiltless and disinterested): She said I cheated, duh-duh-duh-duh.

–Church St & Barclay

Overheard by: Robert J. Anderson

Female suit on cell: He cheated on me on my 30th birthday in Nantucket and I called my mom to tell her and she said, "Are you ready to give up that lifestyle? He's wealthy and he's gorgeous. I don't want to hear it." But I want someone to be über-attracted to me.

–19th & 8th

Overheard by: Sebastian White

Dude on cell: Hello? (pause) I told you never to call me on this number. (pause) Because I don't want my wife to find out that we're dating.

–6th Ave & 17th St

Psuedo-gansta to friend: Yo, I would cheat on my wife except then you gotta buy them flowers and chocolate and shit. I'd rather spend money on my wife and be happy at home.

–N Train

Girl on cell, doing laundry: Yeah…and then he says that he has a girlfriend and he doesn't cheat on her…so I said, "Really? Then what was your penis just doing in my mouth?"

–Laundromat, 9th Ave & 53rd St

Overheard by: tinyfoo

“Hello? Pot to Kettle Here. You're Wednesday One-Liners.”

Loud, obnoxious man: I hate loud, obnoxious people!

–Nomad Restaurant

Girl with brutal Long Island twang: It's just, like, if you have a Boston accent, you sound, like, so unintelligent. Like, less intelligent than other people, even if you're smart. The accent makes you sound dumb.

–7 Train

Overheard by: IDigGraves94

Angry black woman: Fuck you! I'm a lady!

–Herald Square

Overheard by: Annearchist

Flamboyantly gay man on the phone: Mom, I hate you, stop being such a faggot!

–46th & 5th

Suit on cell: Yeah? Well, she's a bitch and deserves to die. You wanna know why? Because she's ugly and she talks bad about people.

–47th St & 9th Ave

Tourist chick carrying a Starbucks coffee and three shopping bags to friend: We are the type to visit Wall Street and say capitalism is bullshit!

–Broadway & Cedar

Overheard by: mondoman

Hannibal the Wednesday One-Liner

Guy on bench smoking cigarette, on cell: But he has no problem lifting his legs so you can eat his ass.

–Central Park

Cornrowed boy to cornrowed girl: Stop chewing on me!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Kelly D

Random girl showing a picture to friends: I'm eating the baby's head. It's what I do in my spare time.

–College of Staten Island

Overheard by: Nameless

Woman to another with colored contacts: I just want to eat your eyes!

–Elevator, Broadway & 32nd St

Four-year-old boy to teenage babysitter: Oh, yeah? I'm gonna bite your vagina!

–86th & Broadway

Woody Allen lookalike: But buses are so creepy. I mean, what if there are cannibals on the bus?

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: or snakes

Wednesday One-Liners Are Waiting for the Tooth Fairy

Lady on cell: I've been standing here for like fifteen minutes…I don't know which one to choose. It's so hard…it's been like years since I've bought toothpaste.

–Duane Reade

Overheard by: Doreen

40-something woman: I'm always wondering, is it teeth or tits?

–MJ Armstrong's Public House

Overheard by: JP

Girl to friends looking into camera: Jane* got the foreskin stuck in her teeth.

–Grand St, Brooklyn

Mother to daughter: Your tooth came out last night. I didn't want to disturb you, but at least you have your other teeth in.

–Hester & Grand

Flustered strand employee: He left his teeth on the floor and just took off!

–Strand Bookstore, 12th St & Broadway

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