Global Geography

What's More American Than Wednesday One-Liners?

Guy on cell: Come on, one third of Americans don't pay their taxes. I want to be one of them.

–7th Ave & Garfield, Brooklyn

Guy on cell: Does he know where he is? This is America–this is America. They makin' ice cream every second! I don't know what he's complainin' about, they got chains makin' food 24 hours a day…they even makin' milk on Christmas!

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Tess

Obnoxious black guy to another: I was watchin' a special on tv last night talkin' about how gays can't be in the war! When they find out the whole America is gay, we're screwed!

–45th & 9th

Construction worker to another: Hell, I could break down George Bush in a debate. And I'm a fuckin' plumber! (pause) I hate my damn nation…

–Dunkin' Donuts, Astoria, Queens

Conductor: This is the r local to Continental… Forest Hills… Queens… USA!

–R Train

Overheard by: Mugsy's Moll

People Who Live in New Jersey Should Not Throw Stones

Drunk fan: Martin Brodeur fucked his sister-in-law.
Sober pisser: That’s worse than OJ Simpson.
Drunk fan: Yeah, he’s French Canadian.

–Madison Square Garden bathroom

Overheard by: TrueBlue

What’s the Point of Even Going There If We Have to Behave?

Guido teen #1: I’m serious, you do not want to go to jail in Europe!
Guido teen #2: For reals — they’re, like, mad strict over there…
Guido teen #1: Damn…

–42nd St, Astoria

With More Sodomy, or Less?

Student #1: It’s crazy to think the pope was part of the Hitler youth.
Student #2: Not really — the Hitler youth was like the YMCA of Germany.

–Van crossing GW Bridge

It Was on the Guido Licensing Exam!

Boyfriend: It’s called Taormina.
Girlfriend: Tromina?
Boyfriend: No, Taormina.
Girlfriend: Tarmina?
Boyfriend: No, tah-or-min-ah.
Girlfriend: Ta-roh-min-ah?
Boyfriend: How can you not say this? We’re fucking Italian!

–Mulberry St, Little Italy

That Country Being the UNITED STATES (Coming Soon)

Chick: So are you Japanese?
Waitress: No, I’m–
Chick: Chinese? Korean?
Waitress: –I’m Indonesian.
Chick: …where is that?
Waitress: Asia.
Chick: …Oh, you mean like, with Malaysia, Vietnam, Korea and all those others!
Waitress: Yes…
Chick: And they’re all related, right?…And they’re in the same country?

–Wasabi, Greenpoint

Batman and Robin Was the Greater Tragedy

Blonde: I think I’m going to donate money to that thing George Clooney was talking about.
Friend: What?
Blonde: Darfur.

–Pratt Institute, Brooklyn

Overheard by: betty machete

You Can’t Spell Aneurysm Without EU

Businesswoman: Even though they smoked like chimneys and drank like fish, whatever, the south of France and Italy used to be much healthier than us.

–Midtown office

Wednesdays Don’t Kill People; One-Liners Kill People

Large black man on cell phone: They did the deal with the diamonds, then the other guy got greedy and shot up the place.

–Union Ave

Overheard by: Seth Callaway

Teen, looking around: Where are we? Are we purchasing illegal arms?

–Turkish Restaurant, Montague St.

Overheard by: Mike N

Blonde chick in pink coat, perkily: … There was no exit wound, and no bullet.

–L train

Overheard by: Ladle

Girl talking to co-worker: I live near Wall Street and there are like army men down there with machine guns and it’s scary! How do I know they don’t have Tourette’s and won’t just start shooting their guns all over the place?!

–41st & 3rd

Older suit, calmly, to his two female coworkers: I’d like to put a gun to his head and say "Nickie do the right thing or I will blow your fucking head off."
[His companions nod in understanding.]

–Starbucks

Calm Jewish fraternity guy on cell: So, I’m being deported and drafted into the Israeli army… It’s okay, I’ll name my gun after you!

–NYU Waverly Building

Sometimes We Feel Bad for Mocking Canadians… And Sometimes Not

Chinese-Canadian girl: Where are we going next?
Mom: Chinatown.
Girl: I thought Chinatown was in Canada…?

–Empire State Building

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