Looks Like We’re in for a Bad Spell of Wednesday One-Liners

Little girl: Mommy, it’s snowing in my eyes!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: blistexaddict

Elderly Hispanic woman wading through snow: Skoosh! Shoosh! Skoosh! Wee! Skoosh!

–28th & Park

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Bus conductor in droning, somber voice: Ladies and gentlemen, due to inclement weather, the express trains are temporarily discontinued. [Suddenly sounding bright and chipper.] In other words, it’s cold outside, folks! So if you think you can just wait for the local, you wrong! So all y’all just get out the way o’ my doors and let’s go!

–4 Train

Drunk blonde: Omigod, is it like raining? There’s like water falling from the sky outside.

–LIRR

Girl on cell, on first nice day of spring: This weather just makes me want to drink…I have been sitting outside for ten minutes and all of a sudden I can’t get booze off my mind.

–72nd & Columbus

Pilot: Welcome on board flight number [mumble]… We have a 45 minute flight to Ithaca, New York, where the weather is [dramatic pause] fucking awful! Why you guys going there?

–LaGuardia Airport

Posted on June 4, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bus Drivers, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Etiquette, Girls, Gripes, Kids, LaGuardia Airport, Latinos, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Park Slope, Pilots, Public Transportation, Questions, Stupidity, Trains Not Subway, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weather, Women, Words

“Let’s Get Ready to Wednesday One-Liiiiiiiner!”

Bimbette: So yesterday he called me to tell me that he’s going to beat my ass, and then he calls me today to ask if he can use my CD player.

–Staten Island Mall

Overheard by: Robert

Seven-year-old girl: She better watch herself before I pimp slap her.

–Amsterdam Projects

Girl, to rest of her punk skater group: But I be like: "Bitch, I don’t skate… I just beat bitches with it."

–Astor Place & Broadway

Overheard by: Jynx

Lady on cell: Is someone else going to smack you?

–1 Train

Overheard by: Krisztina

Man on cell: What… You flubbed what? Listen dude, I’m in midtown, but it’s too far a cab ride to come beat a grown man’s ass.

–W Hotel, 49th & Lex

Overheard by: Miami Hitman

Bus driver to angry man: You want a piece of this? There are 26 places on the body that can kill you instantly. I can hit 4 in one shot. You wanna dance?!

–M16 Bus

Overheard by: nora!

Posted on June 4, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Bimbettes, Bitch-slap, Body Parts, Bus Drivers, Girls, Hotels, Insults, Kids, Malls, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, NYC Geography, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Punks, Questions, Skaters, Staten Island, The Village, Threats, Violence, Weirdness, Women

The Dark Side of the Moon’s a Giant Litter Box

Kids: Ewwwwwww!!
Man with them: What about aliens?
Kids: Ewwww! Everyone knows they poop all over themselves. Poop alllllll over themselves! Ewwwwww!

–Frederick Douglass & 124th

Posted on June 2, 2008
Default, Fears, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Kids, Men, Poop, Questions, Threats

Probably Isn’t a Single Spit-Free Surface in New York

Met guard: Don’t touch that [Points to ancient Greek statue.]Little girl: Not even a little?
Met guard: Not even a little.
[Pause.]Little girl: Not even a little little?
Met guard: Vera, stop.
Little girl: Ok. No touching. Got it. [Sticks out her tongue and gives the marble a long, slow, slobbering lick.]

–The Metropolitan Museum of Art

Overheard by: Brendan

Posted on June 2, 2008
Default, Girls, Kids, Offers and requests, Questions, Security Guards, The Met, Upper East Side, Words

Her Bedtime Reading Is Real Estate for Rugrats

Four-year-old girl, riding waspy dad’s shoulders: Daddy, are housing prices going to go down any time soon?
Dad: I sure as hell hope so.

–187th & Broadway

Overheard by: trump-i-poo

Posted on June 1, 2008
Dads, Default, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Home, Sweet Home, Kids, Money & Class, Questions

Where Was Your God When You Wet the Bed at That Sleepover Party?

Eight-year-old Italian boy: My god… My god isn’t Allah, right?
Teenage sister: You don’t have a god.
Eight-year-old Italian boy, screaming: Yes I do!

–30th Ave & Crescent St, Astoria

Overheard by: Regardless, he surely has a beard

Posted on June 1, 2008
Astoria, Brothers, Default, God, Islam, Italians, Kids, Questions, Sisters, Teens

Way More Lifelike Than the Actual Elizabeth

Little girl, pointing at Andy Warhol portrait of Marilyn Monroe: Mommy, who’s that lady?
Mom: That’s Elizabeth Taylor, honey.
Little girl: Oh, hello, Elizabeth.

–The Moderne Hotel, 55th & Broadway

Posted on May 30, 2008
Arts & Letters, Default, Girls, Hotels, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Nice People, Questions, Stupidity

Dr. Obvious Seizes Any Chance to Demonstrate Her Expertise

Four-year-old cute tourist girl: Mommy, people are different in New York!
Tourist mom: They’re all fuckin’ crazy.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Natasha G

Posted on May 30, 2008
Compare/Contrast, Crazy, Default, Girls, Insults, Kids, Moms, Only in New York, Tourists, Union Square and East Village

John Goodman Would Retaliate Later in Life

Little boy: I want a Cinnabon for breakfast!
Dour mom: Now, Matthew, let me ask you a question. How many grams of sugar does a Cinnabon have?
Little boy, dejectedly: Seven.
Dour mom: And how many grams of sugar are you allowed to eat at breakfast?
Little boy: Fiiiive.
Dour mom: Well then, don’t you think… [they go out of hearing range]

–5 Train

Overheard by: Jonathan Harford

Posted on May 29, 2008
Boys, Default, Diet/Weight, Food, Health and Hygiene, Kids, Moms, On the Subway, Parents, Questions, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners for Uncle Walter

High-school teen to friend: So, like, every guy that likes me must totally be a pedophile.

–Flatbush & Dekalb, Brooklyn

13-year-old: I mean, he’s not a pedophile, he’s just very open with his sexuality, and I like that.

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: Kelly

Lesbian on cell: I just saw these girls and they were pretty. Really pretty. And fifteen. But then I heard them talking and I realized they were French! So it’s fine. Fifteen is legal there.

–36th St & Fifth Ave

Middle-aged teacher: I have this girl in my class that’s a six-year-old with a 46-year-old woman’s body.

–Prem-On Thai

Overheard by: office peon

Guy who just got more beer: This is the happiest place on earth… Except for that kindergarten I’m not allowed to go back to anymore.

–McSorley’s, 7th & 3rd

Overheard by: I’ll drink to that!

Seven-year-old boy running after another child: I’m a pedophile! I’m a pedophile! I’m a pedophile!

–Coney Island Boardwalk

Overheard by: that’swhathesaid

Posted on May 28, 2008
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Beauty, Brooklyn College, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Coney Island, Crime and Punishment, Foreigners, Friends, Girls, Global Geography, Guys, Happiness, Kids, Lesbians, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Pedophilia, Restaurants & Cafes, Sexuality, Teachers/Professors, Teens, The Village, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness