WOLing Me Softly

Grandma to kid: It’s really hard to kill people, you know.

–West Village

(20-something sits down and stretches his arms out in a yawn)
Man sitting one seat away: If you touch my leg I’ll kill you.

–1 Train

Middle-aged beefcake on phone: Oh yeah? Well he’s not trying anymore because he’s dead.

–42nd & Lex

Overheard by: bildita

Suit on cell: He was a great guy, until he decided to kill someone.

–Smith & Wollensky

Loud woman on payphone (very angrily): Well what the fuck am I supposed to do with her? Mausoleum? What? What the fuck?

–96th & Madison

Overheard by: grateful undead

Seven-year-old black boy: I’m goin’ to Iraq, to kill Obama!

–125th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: The Drummey

Posted on April 3, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Boys, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Death, Families, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Kids, Meatheads, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Politics, Restaurants & Cafes, Suits, Threats, Upper East Side, War, Weirdness, West Village, Women

When I Grow Up, I Want to Be an Assassin

HS kid #1: You know what teflon is?
HS kid #2: No.
HS kid #1: It’s the stuff you coat bullets with so that they’ll pierce a bulletproof vest.

–23rd St. & Broadway

Overheard by: M Cohn

Posted on March 28, 2016
Boys, Kids, Murray Hill and Gramercy, School and studying, Shoot, Talking/Convos, Words

Remember: No Eucharist After Midnight

Kid: John Paul II was like Furby…and this new guy is like a gremlin.

–Bronx Science

Overheard by: jessi

Posted on March 21, 2016
Compare/Contrast, Kids, One-liners, Pope, The Bronx

You Still Have That Ouija Board?

Mom: Don’t lean over the tracks like that.
Five-year-old son: I’m just looking for the train.
Mom: It’s dangerous, you could fall.
Five-year-old son: Daddy’s doing it. You’re not saying it to him.
Mom: I’m your mother, and I told you to stop. Daddy can do what he wants. [Boy sulks for a few minutes.] Okay, do you want to call Grandma when we get home so she can yell at Daddy for leaning over the tracks?
Five-year-old son: Yes.

–34th St subway platform

Posted on March 18, 2016
Compare/Contrast, Family Ties, Gripes, Kids, Moms, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Talking/Convos

Wednesday One-Liners Admit Their Lives Have Become Unmanageable

Suit on cell: Never make any decisions after drinking two pitchers of beer. After the first one, I was like "okay, this is what I'm doing." But after the second one, I ended up as director of the D.C. United Way. At first, I wasn't too worried, because I figured they'd give me a drug test, and I knew I wouldn't pass.

–6 Train

Hopeful-looking guy to concerned-looking guy: Basically, you're not ready to be an alcoholic, so you should stay away from alcohol.

–Polk St

Girl to guy friend: She's a great drunk. She's probably one of the best people to hang out with when she's drunk.

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: T

Hawker: It's happy hour! Come on up, and I'll watch your kids while you get drunk.

–Planet Hollywood

Girl, during lunch: I'm not drunk anymore!

–W 4th & University Place

Posted on March 13, 2016
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Baristas, Bars & Clubs, College, Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Drugs, Friends, Girls, Guys, Jobs & Careers, Kids, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Street, Suits, The Village, Weirdness

Wednesday One-liners Teach Your Children Well

Pregnant woman to 3-year-old son: Do you remember what happened last time you licked the subway? That’s right. You threw up.

–4 train

Overheard by: Leora

Parent: My son is only two years old, sittin’ at the bar, talkin’ ’bout “old school.” How you gon’ talk ’bout “old school” when you two years old? I think my brother taught him that.

–Merrill Lynch lobby, Broadway & Park Row

Mom to 4-year-old: Stop crying and take a moment and think about how you feel.

–Broadway & 104th