Dude #1: Would you let Clooney give you a handjob?
Dude #2: Hmmnn. George or Rosemary?
–Broadway & Houston
Dude #1: Would you let Clooney give you a handjob?
Dude #2: Hmmnn. George or Rosemary?
–Broadway & Houston
Blonde #1: So my seventy-year-old father-in-law looks at porn!
Blonde #2: So what?
Blonde #3: Yeah, that just means he's a heterosexual guy.
Blonde #1: But that totally changes my opinion about moving into their place when we sell ours. I don't even want to touch his mouse!
Blonde #3: I'm sure he doesn't use the same hand.
Blonde #2: Yeah, you don't switch off like that.
Blonde #3: Yeah, he probably mouses with the right hand and jerks it with the left!
(silence)
Blonde #2: That was the best thing I've ever heard.
–105th St & Broadway
Guy to girlfriend: Will you just hold my fucking hand?
–45th & Broadway
Overheard by: waiting for my prince charming
Guy: You know, I used to think cheating on girls was wrong.
–Whitestone, Queens
Overheard by: Michelle
Young woman, looking at Lolita book jacket: Wow. This kind of reminds me of my relationship.
–Borders, 33rd & 7th
Overheard by: with a K
Man on cell: No, dear, I do not want to hear what you’re doing to yourself right now.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Alexandra
Woman, to man she’s just kissed: What was your name again?
–2nd St & 1st Ave
Man on cell: My wife is driving me crazy! She keeps following my girlfriend around! Wait, hold on, I have to take this call. Hello…Yeah I just stepped out of the office for a few minutes… Thanks, honey, you’re the best.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Sara Swank
Girl on cell: He liked me too much, so I fuckin’ dumped him.
–Columbus Circle
Overheard by: buffalo
Large lady in sun dress to man in front of her: Do you want this seat? ‘Cause I can’t sit here and watch you play with yourself in front of me.
–F train, between Carroll St & Bergen St
Worker to partner: Next time he starts jerkin’ off, I wanna know.
–Manhattan & Nassau, Brooklyn
Guy on cell: Wanna know how I have fun? I go home, eat, jerk off and watch TV. Now that’s fun!
–29th & 7th
Suit: Man, if I was a woman, I’d be at home sticking everything inside me — cucumbers, hair brush handles, whatever I could find!
–Broadway & Crescent Ave, Long Island City
Overheard by: tracy
College chick on cell: Yay for masturbation! And yay for date rape!
–N train
Overheard by: Bionic Womyn
Guy: You remember those Lycra bicycle shorts?
Friend: No.
Guy: … From the mid 90s?
Friend: No.
Guy: Well they were really tight.
Friend: Ok.
Guy: I used to wear them when I was younger and be really embarrassed when I got erections in them.
Friend: I used to jerk off with my dad’s dirty magazines. I would wrap them around my dick.
–Churchill’s
Overheard by: Veggie2001
Guy on Cell: Have you ever tried to masturbate while Michael Jackson’s “Rock With You” is playing in the background? Well, it’s more difficult than you think…
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Michael Roche
Snappy white woman from Long Island to group of noisy black kids with a baby carriage: When are you guys getting off this bus? I need to know when. Just tell me what stop you’re getting off at so I can decide whether I need to catch another one.
The baby’s mother has her breast out and is squeezing and batting it around, a look of glee on her face. The baby is fast asleep in the stroller.
Mother: Look, milk comin’ out of it!!
Long Island woman: Seriously, when are you getting off?
–M15 bus downtown
Overheard by: hannah g
Stone cold crazy panhandler lady, entering subway car: That man in the brown jacket, who's gonna tell you not to give me money, he's the JonBenet Ramsey rapist.
Impressed observer, reaching for wallet: That was definitely worth a dollar.
Stone cold crazy panhandler lady, walking on: And then in Carrie, they put the blood on the people and then they jerked off the dog.
Impressed observer: I should have given her two dollars.
–Downtown D Train
Overheard by: stephie
Hip Hop Guy on cell: I’ll just keep my nuts shaved and everything’ll be fine.
–Varick Street
Coffee guy on phone: I’m not talking about whacking off, I’m talking about fried chicken!
–Alt.coffee, Avenue A
Overheard by: Dibson Hoffweiler
Kid on cell: So I rubbed it really hard and really fast… and I made her throw up.
–Marble Hill High School
Drinker to friend, while playing flip cup: I will throw up in your pussy wagon.
–Whiskey Tavern, Chinatown
Woman: I'm really glad it wasn't the Prozac making her throw up… just her other meds.
–33rd St & Park Ave
Girl: My uterus is vomiting!
–Bard High School, Queens
Overheard by: Sunny
