The Essential Facts Are Explained at Length in The Bonfire of the Vanities

Thug boy: Yo, nigga, why you wearin’ a tie? You gotta go to court?
Teacher: No.
Thug girl: I bet you gotsta go to a funeral. Somebody got kilt, right?
Teacher: No, I just thought I would wear a tie for my first day. I’m a new teacher here.
Thug guy: Yeah, no shit you new, dressin’ like the fuckin’ president or some shit. You gonna get your dumb ass jumped.
Teacher: For dressing nicely?
Thug girl: Stupid ass white people don’t know shit about livin’ in New York.

–Franklin K Lane HS, Brooklyn

Overheard by: jeff lebowski

Posted on August 14, 2006
Clothing, Education, Murder, On the Subway, Teachers/Professors, Teens, Thievery, Thugs

What Would Wednesday One-Liners Do?

Teen boy: So I was watching one of those independent channels, and I saw this weird movie called Jesus Christ Superstar. Have you heard of it? It’s from the 70’s, so the camera work is really bad, but it’s not in black and white or anything. The best part is that Herod is all big and fat and he sings this funny song, like, “You’re the king of the Jews!” It’s a pretty funny movie. You know, except they, like, kill Jesus at the end.

–Q train

Overheard by: A White Bear

Girl: You know, I don’t think Jesus ever asked Mary Magdalene to kiss his balls.

–1849 Bar, Bleecker St

Drunk guy: Jesus saved me already, you fucking cunt!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: braincurve

Chick: Whatever. I could’ve annihilated Jesus at beer pong.

–Trump Building, Wall St

Overheard by: You know who

Girl on cell: Listen, the only ass I kiss is Jesus Christ. Got that?

–Key Food, 235th St

Overheard by: Miriam

Posted on July 12, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Drunks, Jesus, Movies, Murder, On Cell, On the Subway, Park Slope, Teens, The Bronx, The Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Himself… And Six Million Pissed-Off Ghosts

Drunk white man: Hey, sir. “Knish” is spelled wrong.
Indian cashier: What?
Drunk white man: The food behind the case here. You spelled “knish” wrong, and I’ve told you guys before and it still hasn’t been fixed. Look, buddy, I’ve come in here ten times in the last week. I’ve told three other employees that the spelling is wrong, and next time I come in here it better be spelled right or the Jews are gonna come kill you.

Drunk white man storms out.

Indian cashier: That man is fucking crazy. It’s knish. Is it even spelled wrong?
Woman: No. He just forgot to take his meds and now the Jews are gonna come and kill you. And by “the Jews” he means himself.

–Organic food store, 19th & 3rd

Overheard by: Boo Radley

Posted on June 27, 2006
Cashiers, Drunks, Judaism, Kosher food, Murder, Store, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Words

Girl, Your Leg Is Not All That

Girl #1: Sometimes I wanna kill your cat.
Girl #2: But I thought you hated dogs.
Girl #1: I do, but your cat always looks at me like it wants to hump my leg.

–100th & Broadway

Overheard by: Amanda Fox

Posted on May 1, 2006
Friends, Gay Man's Best Friend, Man's Best Friend, Murder, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Wednesday One-liners Drink Red Rum

Little boy: My favorite part of the game is when I get to kill, but you only get to kill other people in the wilderness.

–1 train

Overheard by: STD

Posted on January 18, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Kids, Murder, On the Subway

For Everything Else, There’s MasterCard?

Guy #1: Remember that time last week when I like fucking killed Frank?
Guy #2: Huh?
Guy #1: When I fucking killed Frank?
Guy #2: Who?
Guy #1: Frank.
Guy #2: Oh, ha, ha! Priceless.

–Columbia University

Posted on January 8, 2006
Columbia (& Barnard), Death, Friends, Murder, Names, Time

Perfume No. 5 to 10

Teen girl: You know that dream I keep having where I kill you on Madison Avenue? I think it’s coming true.
Mom: Oh look, the Chanel store!
Teen girl: Uh oh.

–Madison between 63rd & 64th