Old People

Wednesday One-Linerbation

Big old lady yelling at MTA employee: Of course they're not coming! They're too busy fucking! Masturbating! Eating donuts!

–53rd & Lexington Subway Station

Girl to friend: Oh my god, he does things to me that make masturbation seem like bland oatmeal!

–14th & 3rd

Overheard by: TheOneThatGotAway

Teen to friend: Seriously, if I was a guy for a day, all I'd do is piss standing up and masturbate.

–Queens Center Food Court

Guy on cell: Dude, if I didn't jerk off a couple times a day I'm pretty sure I'd be a serial rapist.

–Penn Station

Short nerdy businessman to another: I didn't know I was going out with her when I beat off.

–15th St & 9th St

Overheard by: Spicoli

Blond scruffy short man on headset: Do you really think girls would go for that? You think a girl would, for a chance to win $500, watch me masturbate?

–R Train

Do You Believe Energy Can’t Be Created or Destroyed?

Young physicist: So, dude, are you gonna be around in a few months?
Old physicist: I sure hope so.

–Museum of Natural History

Now Will You Please Pull Back My Skin So I Can Check My Watch?

Old lady: I think we qualify as old farts.
Old hubby: Thank you so much for that kind statement.

–Rubin Museum of Art, 17th St

Overheard by: Princess Dy

Sir, You Have the Right to Remain Moribund

Old woman to cop, looking down at man on sidewalk: Is he dead?
Cop: Yes, ma’am, I’m afraid he is.
Old woman: Good. Arrest him.

–Forest Hills, Queens

Overheard by: Wondering what this woman does at funerals

How Could He Be Responsible from All the Way in Gaza?

Teenage boy, yelling at his iPod: Damn it, damn it, dammit! Damn stupid thing. Dammit!
Old lady passing by: You should be ashamed of yourself. Do you talk like that in front of your mother?
Teenage boy: Don't blame me, blame Jack Bauer. Damn it.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Haley

It Was Either That, or Work the Weekend

Young gay guy, crying: But I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Old gay guy: They why did I catch you with Robert*'s dick in your mouth?
Young gay guy: Well, he is my boss…

–Soho Grand Hotel

He’s Going to Kick It, All Right

Old man: Hey, you just kicked my bag!
Young man: Dude, it was just sitting there. For all I know it has a bomb in it.
Old man: But I’m right here!
Young man: Look, you show me a bag that looks like a bomb and I’m gonna kick it, every time.

–Men’s room, Union Square Regal Cinemas

The Sisters Are Always Getting Estimates from Burly Tradesmen

Old lady #1: The exterminator. He’s an extremely nice man. Isn’t he a nice man?
Old lady #2: Yes, he was very nice.
Old lady #1: We should hire him more often.
Old lady #2: Oh, you’re so bad.

–B61 bus

Overheard by: aspiring old lady

Makes Me Nauseous

Old lady: You spelled “candle” wrong.
Employee: What?
Old lady: You spelled “candle” wrong on one of your signs. Give me a piece of paper and I’ll fix it for you.
Employee: It’s okay.
Old lady (getting extremely angry): No, it is not okay. This is inappropriate and you need to fix it.

–Duane Reade

Overheard by: just buying some shampoo

That’s Not Perspective, It’s Communism

Old hippie chick: You know, my friend was saying that when she’s in a line, even if the line doesn’t move, if people line up behind her, she feels like she’s moving forward…you know? Isn’t that so capitalist?
Old hippie guy: That’s not capitalist, it’s perspective.

–Williamsburg

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